...under my ass. That's what I need. In the next month or two, I will be taking some drastic steps to make myself accountable. Yes, sad as it may sound, I need to threaten myself into successes, people. Hell, by hook or by crook, I am determined to get there and not just excuse my way through things.
Be back soon, when I have some substantial news to report.
I have been doing well. It's the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and I made it through to tell about it.
Things are not so much better as they are clearer for me these days.
I have to make a final decision on what it is that I really want. When you have some really special things going for you in life, it makes all the bullshit just fall to the wayside. You clear away all the mess just to get there, you know?
I'm at another stage (finally realizing these things are cyclical) of clearing in my life. It comes in the form of celebration, and symbolically enough on the cusp of 30-dom. Isn't that fitting.
I've come to some realizations. Some things that I have noticed about life.
Somethings I'm Noticing about My Life (and Others)
Life is all about these turning points...at least mine is anyway.
I am about to embark on a whole other stage of my life. But, before I go from this one, I've got some things to finish and clear up.
- Not everything is meant to last forever, friendships included. People's places in your life can change and in some cases even diminish... and if you are realistic, they should. Accept it.
- You are in situations you are in because you need to be there at that time in your life. Subconsciously, we create these situations that we need. There is a point to where you are in life. Only after you realize the lesson, realizing that you've been here before, does leaving a situation come easily.
- Life is cyclical in many ways. Until you learn from certain things, you will repeat those things and feelings and situations until you get it, finally.
- Do it for your own reasons...whatever it is. There is no regret when you conviction is strong and truly your own.
- You can't escape life, and call yourself living it. It is an empty existence. You replace real life with material things, certain kinds of people perhaps even vices to escape what your life is. . .to not deal with those questions life has stirred in you. Stop running. Face those questions. Seek and learn those answers. It's our very purpose in life. Period.
- Once you've left one cycle, it's hard to go back it. You can't will yourself back into a cycle of life you have left already. Sometimes we try to do it to relive old times or to re-connect with a feeling, people or situations that made us feel comfortable...ones with which we are familiar. As time passes, so must we, into things that are meant for us.
That's all for now...
yet i feel nothing
maybe i ache because i want to feel
shut down shut out
alone to deal with it all
on my own
i hate depending on others
don't know how or what for
always get it wrong somehow
lean when i shouldn't lean
hold back when i should
my wires are crossed
i don't work like everyone else
so that leaves me alone
alone to hold it
to scream bloody hell
to tell my secrets
to the air
to blank muted walls
no one wants to get that deep
stay on the surface where it's safe
and you can stay blind to what's real
don't get too involved
you might actually have to
i don't have the luxury of going through life
leaving it untouched, unexamined
i can't turn my head from pain
the ugly bitch forces my mind's eye back
to the truth
i will never
simply fit in.
so another one leaves me
alone to feel know and realize
all on my own
It's been a while.
This school year has been crazy. I am currently looking at all of my options. I realize now (again) what I've known for a long time now. In order for me to thrive, I cannot stay in my current environment. I have expressed it on this blog before, and my feelings are no different. Only thing is, the bitter reality of this school system has jumped up and slapped me in the face, removing any doubts I had about leaving. The urgency of this situation is fast on my heels, keeping me true to my word, whether I like it or not.
I'm also plunging into foreverness with N. I love our relationship. It seems like I've known him for all my life. It helps to know he's got my back, even in the face of all of the drama this school year has brought so far. The dysfunction of my school often leaves me a quivering mess by the end of a school day. But I always know I at least have N to talk to, to complain to, to cry to...he is my refuge from it all.
I've been talking to one of my best friends, and she also has things she wants to do with her life too. So, I set up kind of a mini-support group with her. We will email each other every week, telling each other about the progress we've made towards our goals. I need desperately to keep myself accountable....to trick myself into success if need be, damn it! It feels good to be able to connect with another creative soul like her. I feel better every time I talk to her, and I believe she feels the same about me. She inspires me to do what I have to do....I want to see us live the lives we always dreamed and talked about when we were in college. . .so talking to her is a reminder of that sweeter time in my life...
So, ok. I'm off to fry some chicken and make some string beans, and mashed potatoes, before they get all stank and moldy.
It's almost time for me to go back to school and teach the "chirren," as I like to call them with affection. I have so many thoughts and ideas swirling about in my head over here.
I can't wait to go back to my classroom and take a good look at what's happened since the summertime. Sad as it is to say, some colleagues of mine have sticky fingers and I could have been jacked of some of my stuff. Hopefully not.
I have so much schoolish stuff in my apartment right now. What was I thinking by bringing all of this paper and these books and things home? That I would actually do some schoolwork here at home? Funny! I have tried the same thing (doing school stuff in the house) for two years straight. And guess what? It never works! So, I might as well face that fact and haul all this crap...oops I MEAN, meaningful educational literature, back to my classrooom. Frankly, that's where it always belonged anyway.
I have a little fridge I'm taking with me, too. Just gotta clean it out. I can store my juices and water and lunch in there. Gotta keep that on the DL before folks come at me, trying to abuse my little perk.
Overall, I have to say I'm relieved that the summer is winding down. I look forward to this school year, since it will be the first I will experience without the graduate school courseload greeting me (and beating me down!) in the evenings. I'll be able to focus completely on the practical side of my teaching career. The doing of it--not the study of it--will be the only thing in the professional spotlight now.
But, I suppose it's more than that. Throughout my life this time of year, I always hearken back to returning to school, and everything that went along with it. I mean, of course like any kid, I was sad to see the summer go. But September, October and November always conjured a unique scent of new that hung in the backdrop, in the air throughout the season. Fall always represents this whole feeling of starting fresh, a feeling that you too could change just like the weather around you. . .I don't have to wait for that feeling in just the new year and spring anymore. The crisp autumn morning air and the crunch of brown fallen leaves under my feet....me walking towards the school with my little teacher cart overflowing with books and papers in tow. The faces of my new students...and the aroma (GOD, the aroma!) of the lunch "food" wafting through the first-floor hallways.
I can't wait.
This weekend was another good one. Filled with spontaneous trips out of town, a party, and plenty of good times with loved ones.This was one of those weekends filled with sweet, funny and beautiful moments that will be burned in my memory forever.
I feel empowered to move on with the things I have to do. I finally feel energized and re-powered for the school year ahead of me. I can't wait to get back to school and bond with my class, talk with my colleagues and enthrall myself into my career once again.
As I mentioned, I was given a party this weekend, a housewarming. My dad and my other family did a fantastic job pulling it all together. I am reminded and amazed at how wonderful the people in my family really are. I am so lucky to be surrounded by the love they have for me. I am so lucky to have people like that to love in my life. I've never partied that hard with my family. But I can't wait to do it again. If you have family, tell them you love them. You never know when these beautiful entities in your life will leave...
I also spent a lot of time with my new male friend, N. N was wonderful to me this weekend. I really see our relationship going quite far. As I have told him, there are so many things about him and I that just fit perfectly. So perfectly, it scares me sometimes. But, as much as I thought my love search was over, I realize that now that a man like N was just what I need. I would normally gush and say so much as if you were a long-time sista-friend with ears hungry for these kinds of details. But, what I've found is so special, so precious to me right now, that I don't want to cheapen it by telling my business like that. . .Yeah, this new man is that good, y'all.
Suffice it to say that I am happy, I feel blessed and I feel centered enough for the new schoolyear, because of all of the people and things that the Creator has seen fit to send my way this past summer.
I am on to the next phase of my life now. This one is filled with another set of goals which I am ready to accomplish. And I'll be attacking them with the same tenacity as I've attacked my goals in the past. You'll hear more about them in future posts.
It's me and it's the Monday after another great weekend. The time I've spent over the past three weeks has made a big difference for me. I met someone, and he is great. For the purposes of this blog, let's call him N. As with many other guys I've met, he came to me when I wasn't expecting anyone. Now, unlike any other guy I've met, the energy feels very right to me, people. It's almost frightening to think about in any depth.
I enjoyed our time together, as did he...
I am getting ready for the school year, revisiting lots of paperwork and my own philosophies about how I want my classroom to be this year. I have a list of things to get for my classroom this year. It's nowhere near as large as my lists from the past. I can see that I'll have a good year this year. There are, as always, changes to the curriculum and school policies. But somehow I feel like those changes aren't anything I can't handle. I feel more grounded than the past two years. Going into this new school year, I have high hopes and dreams for my class to come.
This fall I also plan to finish filing for my permanent certification in New York City. However, I know now that New York City is not the only place where my heart lies. It is finally time for me to move on from living in New York. I have to admit (and if you're reading this blog, you know, too) this realization is something that I came to a long time ago. I should know by now that my life thrives in change. It really is the only constant in my life.
But, I've been thinking about it, and I long for other constants in my life. The other parts of my life that lay dormant until now need attention. Instincts that I didn't realize I had inside me are awakened now, and demanding that I fulfill them. And, I might just be headed in the right direction with regard to this as well.
So, as I've mentioned before, I want my time in New York to be limited to a couple of years at the most. That's just enough time to get my own act together. . .I want to be ready professionally, emotionally and financially for the next stages of my life. . .
I just love how change can happen in your life, as uncomfortable as it can be. Only this time, the changes just reassure me that I'm heading in the right direction.
Sometimes when you put out into the universe the things that you want and need....they come. Just...do those things come when you feel you need 'em?
I have been acting on a lot of the things that I wanted to take care of this summer. That hasn't been too bad.
Did I mention that I love having all this time off? It's helping to clear my head about lots of things. The things that I need in my life are quite simple. I feel like perhaps I shouldn't overcomplicate my life with too much at once.
Most of the basics, I have. . .and another one is just now developing out of nowhere (maybe more on this later).
Summer is almost over, so that means it's time to begin some more new things that have been waiting for me to take advantage of them. I'm working like hell to drop the fears and just do.
Inspirations and admonitions are coming from everywhere, steering every move I make. Some new things that I never saw coming are developing, just when I thought I made the final decision on them. Why do things always happen this way for me. Just when I think I have reached a final decision on something, in no time, a new opportunity presents itself? Is this some kind of test? Are these the kinds of things I need to face to develop a life of integrity?
So again, the only consistency I feel in my life is inconsistency....change. How will I roll with it this time?
Well, it's time to clean the cat's litter box....
Just went to see Bilal with friends tonight. However, we only saw the last five minutes of the show....
Better still, the vibe out there tonight was...right. It was familiar...lots of good feeling and conscious-minded folk all in one place...it brought me back to when i was like that...when i enjoyed life and my friends so much. what a welcome change to what i've been feeling and going through lately.
I feel as though I'm still waking back up....like i'm peeling layers off self off to discover what's been underneath there for a long, long time...the real me.
I mean, I feel like I'm picking up where i left off about 6 years ago. The last six years or so have been very tumultuous ones...and a lot of escaping happening. My feet are finally slowing down in the race away. I'm turning slowly to face what I've been running from...
the right direction.
I'm finally coming out of this funk. I've been home officially for about two weeks and, I have done all the sitting around that I can do.
I mean, even my buddies who are always online 24/7 are like, "Wow, you got A LOT of time on your hands, huh?"
That's just the kind of fuel I need to get off of my ass.
Well, that and the fact that there is still a lot of stuff still undone in my apartment.
Next year, I am actually considering summer school. I'd have fridays off and I'd only work a half day....
I hope to have my apartment finished by then, too. So, that won't be an issue next summer...
That's all for now.
I'm taking a break from "dating". I need time to recuperate. I just want to find someone who is serious about a relationship, honest, funny, financially responsible to financially comfortable, working towards a goal in his life, kind, cares about something, ANYthing beyond his own existence.
Romance? Eh. I can do without romance because it's so fleeting, phony, and cookie-cutterish at best.
But I want someone who really wants to get into someone else with his eyes and heart wide open.
It sounds like a tall order. . .but I feel I deserve it. Until that comes to me, I'm at relationship rest right now.
I don't know what to feel today. I just got a call from my most recent ex (from DR) and I don't know what to feel.
He basically let me know that he still loves me but that he thinks I love money more than him. He says he hopes I'm happy with my money.
Here's my question: WHAT MONEY???? If I were a rich girl (nananananananananana...LOL) I wouldn't seem like I love money more than him. Jeez! Tell a guy that you can't afford the relationship with him, and he thinks you'd rather have money.
Well, if that means that I don't want to be in the poor house or (since there hasn't been a poor house since the days of Jane Addams) homeless, then yeah, I'd rather have money, I guess.
I mean, I feel weird enough breaking up with someone mainly because of money. But the more I think about it, I realize that it is more than that. I suppose in his estimation I should be willing to part with my money more easily because I love him. I should also be willing to support him for god-knows-how-long until he finds a job if he were to come here to live. I don't think he understands that there are people HERE with all their papers (aka citizenship) who can't find jobs.
I should also have been willing to give him money not for a sound system for his car, a sony playstation for his 2 year old son, and outfits for him.
But I just wasn't willing to do those things. Instead I was willing to call racking up bills upwards of 100+ dollars every month. I was willing to visit him, sometimes at the cost of 1000 per trip.
What I got in return was a lot of promises, fake romance, hmmm's and haws about him coming to see me.
I could do a lot better without the stress.
I suppose I should feel relieved. I should feel thankful that I ended it now before any more cash outlay happened, before I got any more emotionally involved.
I guess the startling part for me is that it is possible to break up with someone over money. It's especially easy to do that when one person has it, and one does not and expects you to pay for everything.
I never thought I would be one of those people who would concentrate on the material like that. But, I guess it is possible. Not so much possible, but necessary.
So, that's what's up with that last relationship. I was trying to hang in there and be a support to him and the relationship. But, I realized I was the only one that was giving support.
I have more to add to this, and you'll see it soon. For now, I'll take a break.
Events in my life keep showing me one way, and I keep going the other. What's my deal? Am I trying to escape the inevitable?
I am seeing very clearly some new (and not so new)issues and ideas.
Now that the summer is here, I am able to really concentrate on what it is that I want and don't want. This is the time to perfect my "game plan," so to speak.
I love that I have the summer off to think about these things. It really recharges me and helps me to center myself again. Working in the public school system, especially at a school like mine is really disorienting at times. Trying to survive in the midst of such dysfunction is really a damn shame. But it's very necessary if I'm going to make it at all.
People always ask, "those kids got you going, huh?" And I always answer, "the kids are the part that I love. It's the adults I could give or take, even on a good day!"
Sadly, we are all in this ailing, dinosaur of a system, which I hope is nearing its extinction. It's too big and cumbersome, and most times it seems as if nothing works.
So, most teachers (myself included) are trying to create order out of disorder, peace out of systemic chaos. And still, there are those who are just there for a paycheck. They are there to fulfill something they didn't have, to find something they lost or never got in their own childhood.
Teachers are most consistently ordinary everyday human beings. However, we are one of the only professions to be charged with such extraordinary responsibilities. We shape lives and the future leaders of this country (and quite possibly the world) with what we do ordinarily and every day.
I just wish all adults would respond rightly to the importance and urgency that is our children the way we must every day.
I'm done with my Masters of Science in Teaching! Hurrah! Remember the Science Portfolio/Thesis? I got an A! Oh yeah!
School is done for the year! I am now in teacher shutdown mode. Soon, perhaps in a week or so, I'll enter vacation mode as well.
Sadly, my relationship with the boyf didn't last. I had to end it. I'm kind of depressed about it...but at the same time I know that it had to be done. If one was to refer to this blog for answers as to why the relationship ended, s/he might be utterly confused. Suffice it to say, there were many things about which the truth was not told. Ugh. More on this later.
I moved into my new apartment, and it's great! I still have stuff to unpack, but it's fine. I'll get to that this summer
Thinking of beginning my own business. I'm itching for a new project right now, and I have several prospects brewing. . .
That is it for now. I'm sure I will be back here with some more news as these things develop.
I'll try to keep this short and sweet. I am running around like a maniac as usual. Here's a quick update on some of the things that have kept me from bloggin'.
I'm almost done with my Masters in Teaching. I've got a big honkin' science methods portfolio to complete (I guess it's our school's equivalent to a thesis).
My students are getting a little "extra" because it's May and we're doing the project/field trip thing...more later about this.
I'm closing the deal on renting an apartment, which I will move into in June...definitely more about this one later!!! And, I'm not the only family member whose itching for some new quarters!
Last, but not least--I'm still with the man, despite wavering in my opinions about the relationship. Going to see him in July, though not for as long as I once planned.
WHEW! Okay, now back to the portfolio...
Hey, it's been too long.
Just like all of my other buddies, I've been neglecting you, too, dear blogheads.
I guess in some twisted way, you should feel a sense of belonging to my inner circle?
Anyways, It is now April, a full 3 months since my last post on here. Of course, as per usual, a lot of stuff is going on. All at once mind you!!!
I committed the big chop. I cut of all my hair. It had to be done. Everybody asks me (in varying degrees of excitement and disappointment), "WHY!!!"
Simply put, the hair was too bloody heavy. I weighed it, and it came close to three pounds of hair. Yep, three whole pounds of weight on my head. Instead of the regal array of tresses I had hoped for, I had endless headaches, dizziness and stiffness of the neck and back (my neck...my back...)... It got to the point where I would take Excedrin and it seemed like the pain would just scoff at my attempts at alleviation and just intensify for good measure.
So, on this past frigid St. Valentine's Day morning, I cut it all off. I could feel the pain leave my head and neck as soon as I did it. If you know me, you know there was some other metaphysical stuff going on as well. This chop has been a long time coming...about three months to be exact. I just felt the urge to be free of it.
What was more interesting was people's reactions to my new short 'do. Some were surprised. Some were disappointed. Some were even traumatized. I had a parent of one of my former students come in and tell me that I traumatized her son, "Ben" (fictitious name to protect the underage). Ben's mother said, "When he came home from school that day, he didn't even say 'hello mommy.' The first thing he screamed was, 'Miss K cut off all her hair!!!'"
But, other than that, people have been just fine about it. The boyfriend, who has not laid eyes on my baby fro, says, "I love you, hair or no hair. Tu eres todavia mi querida mujer." But I will see what his reaction is for sure when I go back to DR to visit in July. LOL this will be interesting!
Since we're talking about mi novio, I can report to you that I am still with B. Many people are marveling at the fact that this long-distance thing hasn't totally killed the relationship yet. We'll be approaching the one year mark this summer, and we're still going fine. However, I would be una mentirosa if I told you that this journey with B was without its "moments" (for lack of desire for a pejorative term to describe it).
The distance has been hard for the both of us. With only the phone really to keep us in touch with each other, it's hard to communicate how you feel, be it good or not so good. But, perhaps that is part of what is keeping us together? The simplicity of our conversations with each other doesn't lend itself to too much conflict. Whether that is a good thing or bad remains to be seen in the long haul of it all.
CHING-CHING! (subject change with lack of proper segue)
Teaching is great, and a great pain in the ass sometimes. But hey, what profession isn't? I am still here, still teaching and still loving my work with the students. The administration and adults in the mix, I could take or leave, even on a good day. In the midst of this spring break, I've been able to really reflect on what it is that I need to do for my teaching career. Trying to answer questions like, "do I wanna do this for the rest of my life?" "where will I teach after New York City?" "how does starting a family figure into this equation?"
And that's only part of what's going on in this curly-headed little brain of mine.
But, I'll end here, sated with the fact that I have blown off sufficient steam and updated you in the process....
A Happy New Year to all who follow my little blog here!
My holidays were....well...wonderful.
So many things are happening right now. As you might be able to tell from my calmness and lack of cuss words, I am still on vacation. I start back on Monday.
For the holidays, I went to visit my then-friend-and-now-boyfriend B in DR. Yes, he is my boyfriend now. I love it. I love him. I spent Christmas with him and his family and his friends, doing things in the "Dominican way" as he likes to say. I ate sancocho, drank El Presidente cerveza, danced the bachata, lounged on la playa.
I got all of my assignments done for school just in time to leave on my vacation. I am really pleased with the way things were going when I left my students on Friday, December 19th. I'm hoping I'll still be pleased when I walk back into work on Monday.
And, just like all of us, I am starting this year with some renewed energy. I feel like all things are possible with God and love on my side. I am hopeful about so much. There is (as usual) so much that I want to do in 2004. And the new development with B just fuels the fire I have inside me. I love meeting people like him. He actually inspires me to be more of me. I don't have to "become" someone else to be with him, not in any different way. Just be more of me. And I know that he is amazed by and happy with that. I satisfy him.
Every year, I write new resolutions. Not just one, but a whole plan I devise to carry out my resolutions for the year. This year is no different. Only, I broke things down into categories: emotional, spiritual, financial to name a few. Also, I have decided not to be so hard on myself, as I've been in the past. Other years, I've spent time making these impossible resolutions that felt more like punishments than anything else. So, since I don't wanna do that again, I've decided to be more loving with myself and the things I choose to do.
I also enter into my thirtieth year on this earth. I am so thankful to God that I've made it this far. I can only ask for years more to do what I gotta do. So, much of what I set out to do is crucial.
Spring semester begins at the end of this month. This will be my last semester before I graduate from grad school. I will have my Masters in Teaching when all is said and done. May 25th, here I come!
I can foresee things getting serious between me and B. He's a good man, who comes from good people. And sadly we know how hard truly good people are to find. But, I feel that I have lucked up and found someone really special in DR.
(Jenny heaves a contented sigh)
Be back soon. Prolly after my classes start.