Alone

Raw, aching
yet i feel nothing
maybe i ache because i want to feel
something instead

i am
shut down shut out
and alone
alone to deal with it all
on my own

i hate depending on others
don't know how or what for

always get it wrong somehow
lean when i shouldn't lean
hold back when i should
give freely
my wires are crossed
i don't work like everyone else

so that leaves me alone
alone to hold it
to cry
to scream bloody hell
to vent
to tell my secrets
to the air
to blank muted walls

no one wants to get that deep
stay on the surface where it's safe
and you can stay blind to what's real

don't get too involved
you might actually have to
feel
know
realize

i don't have the luxury of going through life
leaving it untouched, unexamined

i can't turn my head from pain
the ugly bitch forces my mind's eye back
to the truth

i can't
i won't
i will never
simply fit in.

so another one leaves me
alone
alone to feel know and realize
all on my own