Change of Vibe...

Just went to see Bilal with friends tonight. However, we only saw the last five minutes of the show....

Better still, the vibe out there tonight was...right. It was familiar...lots of good feeling and conscious-minded folk all in one place...it brought me back to when i was like that...when i enjoyed life and my friends so much. what a welcome change to what i've been feeling and going through lately.

I feel as though I'm still waking back up....like i'm peeling layers off self off to discover what's been underneath there for a long, long time...the real me.

I mean, I feel like I'm picking up where i left off about 6 years ago. The last six years or so have been very tumultuous ones...and a lot of escaping happening. My feet are finally slowing down in the race away. I'm turning slowly to face what I've been running from...
the right direction.

End Stasis

I'm finally coming out of this funk. I've been home officially for about two weeks and, I have done all the sitting around that I can do.

I mean, even my buddies who are always online 24/7 are like, "Wow, you got A LOT of time on your hands, huh?"

That's just the kind of fuel I need to get off of my ass.

Well, that and the fact that there is still a lot of stuff still undone in my apartment.

Next year, I am actually considering summer school. I'd have fridays off and I'd only work a half day....

I hope to have my apartment finished by then, too. So, that won't be an issue next summer...

That's all for now.

Blessings,

J

Status: Resting

I'm taking a break from "dating". I need time to recuperate. I just want to find someone who is serious about a relationship, honest, funny, financially responsible to financially comfortable, working towards a goal in his life, kind, cares about something, ANYthing beyond his own existence.

Romance? Eh. I can do without romance because it's so fleeting, phony, and cookie-cutterish at best.

But I want someone who really wants to get into someone else with his eyes and heart wide open.

It sounds like a tall order. . .but I feel I deserve it. Until that comes to me, I'm at relationship rest right now.

J

Still Here...

I don't know what to feel today. I just got a call from my most recent ex (from DR) and I don't know what to feel.

He basically let me know that he still loves me but that he thinks I love money more than him. He says he hopes I'm happy with my money.

Here's my question: WHAT MONEY???? If I were a rich girl (nananananananananana...LOL) I wouldn't seem like I love money more than him. Jeez! Tell a guy that you can't afford the relationship with him, and he thinks you'd rather have money.

Well, if that means that I don't want to be in the poor house or (since there hasn't been a poor house since the days of Jane Addams) homeless, then yeah, I'd rather have money, I guess.

I mean, I feel weird enough breaking up with someone mainly because of money. But the more I think about it, I realize that it is more than that. I suppose in his estimation I should be willing to part with my money more easily because I love him. I should also be willing to support him for god-knows-how-long until he finds a job if he were to come here to live. I don't think he understands that there are people HERE with all their papers (aka citizenship) who can't find jobs.
I should also have been willing to give him money not for a sound system for his car, a sony playstation for his 2 year old son, and outfits for him.

But I just wasn't willing to do those things. Instead I was willing to call racking up bills upwards of 100+ dollars every month. I was willing to visit him, sometimes at the cost of 1000 per trip.

What I got in return was a lot of promises, fake romance, hmmm's and haws about him coming to see me.

I could do a lot better without the stress.

I suppose I should feel relieved. I should feel thankful that I ended it now before any more cash outlay happened, before I got any more emotionally involved.

I guess the startling part for me is that it is possible to break up with someone over money. It's especially easy to do that when one person has it, and one does not and expects you to pay for everything.

I never thought I would be one of those people who would concentrate on the material like that. But, I guess it is possible. Not so much possible, but necessary.

So, that's what's up with that last relationship. I was trying to hang in there and be a support to him and the relationship. But, I realized I was the only one that was giving support.

Summer Activities

I want to stay in teaching for another 3 years.

I would like to find a way to merge technology and teaching into one career if possible.

I want my own business, one that will allow me to help more people get to where they want to be.

I'd like to finish outfitting my apartment with furniture.

I want to really be ready to teach the fifth grade next year.

I would love it if I could get myself really as organized as possible, so that when the disorganization comes around, I will at least be sane!

I want to put my website back up so that I have a place to start my business and practice my web development skills.

I have more to add to this, and you'll see it soon. For now, I'll take a break.

Someone's Trying To Tell Me Something...

Events in my life keep showing me one way, and I keep going the other. What's my deal? Am I trying to escape the inevitable?

I am seeing very clearly some new (and not so new)issues and ideas.

Now that the summer is here, I am able to really concentrate on what it is that I want and don't want. This is the time to perfect my "game plan," so to speak.

I love that I have the summer off to think about these things. It really recharges me and helps me to center myself again. Working in the public school system, especially at a school like mine is really disorienting at times. Trying to survive in the midst of such dysfunction is really a damn shame. But it's very necessary if I'm going to make it at all.

People always ask, "those kids got you going, huh?" And I always answer, "the kids are the part that I love. It's the adults I could give or take, even on a good day!"

Sadly, we are all in this ailing, dinosaur of a system, which I hope is nearing its extinction. It's too big and cumbersome, and most times it seems as if nothing works.

So, most teachers (myself included) are trying to create order out of disorder, peace out of systemic chaos. And still, there are those who are just there for a paycheck. They are there to fulfill something they didn't have, to find something they lost or never got in their own childhood.

Teachers are most consistently ordinary everyday human beings. However, we are one of the only professions to be charged with such extraordinary responsibilities. We shape lives and the future leaders of this country (and quite possibly the world) with what we do ordinarily and every day.

I just wish all adults would respond rightly to the importance and urgency that is our children the way we must every day.