Life is too damned short – I should be enjoying it more! Right now I’m not working: I fell ill working at a stressful job. Being incapacitated like that really made me think! I can no longer bend over backwards for things and people not willing to feed my spirit and energy!
I miss having fun, and now, I fear that I’m in danger of dragging my daughters down with me if I don’t start to enjoy more. Even though my little mamas enjoy every situation as much as possible, we need to get out and have fun a lot more.
Taking this break has afforded me the time and breathing room it takes to look carefully at my life. What am I doing? How am I spending my time? How am I wasting it? What I saw, surprises and saddens me. And, I’ve got work to do. Here are some thoughts:
Be Brave: I’ve spent years being afraid to pursue things and take risks. Why? I’m not sure. Afraid to fail, I suppose. Or, afraid to do well??? It reminds me of Marianne Williamson’s words,
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”
Be You, FOR you: Part of this fear comes from a need to have the approval of others. Meanwhile, these “others” are doing everything and anything they want. Why limit myself? Perhaps that is why the energy around me as of late seems so stale, stagnant…stuck. You really do attract what you exude. So, if I want to attract a different, fresher energy, I must need to be who I really am, without apology.
Bless and Release: A while back, my teaching mentor once said to me, “Sometimes you have to love people and situations from afar. You’ve got to bless them on their journey, and then release them to it.” This is a tough one. I’m not good at letting go.
Maybe it’s because I lost my mom relatively early in life (I was 19 when she died of cancer). Even though I was practically an adult, I still wasn’t ready to let her go when she did. I don’t believe anyone who loses a parent is ever really ready to let them go. Somehow, though, I thought that she’d be here forever. As hard as my mom fought, she didn’t survive. She’s gone. And ever since then, I have been holding everyone and everything close to me literally for dear life, afraid to lose anything else I love. Maybe too close. I have been holding onto so much for the past 22 years, I’m running out of room in these arms of mine. I can embrace anything new, because I’m so busy holding on to old relationships, feelings, ideas, ways of thinking…
It’s time for me to put some shit down.
“Bag Lady, you gon’ hurt your back, draggin’ all them bags like that. I guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold onto, is you, is you…”
-Erykah Badu, "Bag Lady"
What do I really need to be well, to feel well, and to be happy? I need to be able to sit with life and be at peace in that moment without feeling like I’m spinning out of control, running around here like a headless chicken, trying to keep up with it all.
Live simply. This is another tough one. I’m still working out what this might look like in my life. I’ve decided to start with something I love to do: eat. I’m currently on the path of simplicity in my food that I consume. Now, I NEED to let y’all know, I am nowhere near all the way there. I still love sweets and my complex carbs too much to let go just yet. But the intention is there. I’m trying to get better at acting on it.
My living space can maybe be next. Getting rid of clutter is always a monumental task in this house. I am a teacher and the child of a clever pack rat. The hoarding force is strong with me! However, I try in the process of clearing to remember how good it will feel in my space, once I get rid of the clutter. Perhaps that will be the way to go.
So, No, I don’t have it totally figured out by any means. I am making this first step, writing it down with right intentions, so that I can see it someplace, and refer back to it, especially when life gets hairy and I start losing my way in the thick of it.
Wish me luck!
Oh, and I’m leaving this second part of that wonderful Marianne Williamson quote, so that I can feel heartened when I see this again. I hope you enjoy it, too:
“We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
‘Til Next Time,