1.20.2006

clear...sad, but clear.....

so....with the new year, as always, i get revelations on the true nature of this world, and the people in it. yet i, like a do-do, continue to ignore all of the signs.

what do you do when you're in a "situation," and there's really not much you can do about it? i will wait. bide my time, and wait it out.

i have been making some changes so far, for the good. they finally know who i am here in PA. that's a good thing i guess. it'll make my life a little more bearable. i have finally let go of NYC as my home. PA is my home now. why does that make me sad?

i learned that my job is a situation that i don't want to be in. i love teaching, and i miss it so much. i am most happy when i am interacting with the children. the adults, are a bunch of idiots, save for a few guided souls who are living examined lives. thank god for them. i'd go crazy otherwise, you know? you need that person you can turn to and say, "is it just me or....."

my living situation is, well, not. i can't honestly call what i am doing, living. i see life around me, and this ain't it. i have let my life deteriorate since i left nyc. can't blame it on the surroundings...i've had opportunities to live....i just haven't taken them. i've been living someone else's life. my friends here have made numerous attempts at helping me get into the social scene here. and i, stuck in a rut, say, "no, i have to go home." to do what? damn if i know what i've been doing with the last six months of my life.

i have serious weight issues....even more serious than i neurosied about in the past. i am at an all-time-high weight of 235 pounds. That would be cool if i were 6 feet 6 inches....but damn my short parents (they always get blamed, huh?)!!!! I'm only 5'4". Yes, i'm short and quite round. my knees hurt, my back aches, and heartburn is a daily battle for me. i huff and puff when i hit only a few flights of stairs....i'm a veritable beast! i have a year and 4 months to turn it around...hopefully in a healthy way...

so, yeah, things are clear...sad, but clear. things are out of control.

well, at least i made a little progress. i went to the dmv to get my pic taken for my ID today (damn i look like a pudgy mess in that pic!). "you wanna take it again ma'am or you want this pic?," said the wheelchair-bound dmv employee. he was kinder than any dmv folk i ever came across.. but the mortified look on my face would have told him that i wanted neither, even if i hadn't choked out an "it's fine," at the sight of the pic. Ay! that pic! it's akin only to the proverbial "buried neck high in sh*t, with a pail of snot or vice versa..." i couldn't win either way today....

like i said tho, i made a little progress. at least it's done....that's a major accomplishment for a procrastinator like me...