it's hard...

It's hard when you realize that the things you once loved are no longer the same...that they've just changed forever....and worse yet---that you have to get rid of them, and let. them. go.

letting go is extremely hard:
when your heart has been so into it

when you did everything in your power to nuture it, and it still doesn't work

when you know that you can't overcome the wrong turns

when life--just being itself--doesn't give you the answers you were looking for

when you realize that it (whatever "it" is) is just out of your control. there is nothing you can do about what is about to happen

when you can't forget how good things once were, but at the same time, you can't ignore all of the big, glaring red flags that say that "things have changed" and "the situation is no longer good for you"

when you realize this thing you loved is no longer good for you, yet you wonder how it got to this point

letting go is just so fucking hard


big things....

well, well, well....It's the very next month...heck it's the next week! And I'm back.

just touching base:

Enjoying my pregnancy right now. Baby Barnes is the size of an avocado, and I'm approaching my 4th month. I can't knock the symptom- (and Aunt Flo) free trimester I'm in. I find that if I eat smaller meals and graze as opposed to a big sit-down meal, I can avoid morning sickness altogether.

Last night, I discovered the very foreign experience of going to an "open bar" function without indulging in any myself. Hubby was kind enough to make me some virgin pina coladas, which were dee-lish. As I sipped my smooth and thick mocktail, I learned a few things. It's fascinating to see folks ossified when you aren't. This is one of the first times I've experienced something like this en masse. People say the funniest and most truthful things when they are drunk off their asses. Sometimes it's poignant, sometimes it's...well, not. And for some, there's always that weird drunken apology assigning blame to the festivities (a la Jamie's recent song about "ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-alcohol"). For others, there is the hysterical and potentially violent puffing of the chest, to stand, albeit not steadily, by one's proclamation of truthfulness. Let's just say I heard the phrase "Yeah! I said it!" tossed around more than once or twice last night.

What a revelation to see this from the sober perspective....how funny, silly, crazy, horny, truthful and genuine we all become post-consumption. I have to wonder if this is what it's looked like all these years that I was getting my own drink on? I would cringe at the thought of some of the things I did and said. But, I guess the drink has sufficiently burned away my memory of much of my naughty deeds from my personal heyday.

So instead, I suppose I can laugh soberly about it all. Moreover, I'm getting the concept that it's my turn to look out for those who always looked out for me back in my days of saucing it up. :) That's one way to think about it....