New Things

I have been doing well. It's the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and I made it through to tell about it.

Things are not so much better as they are clearer for me these days.

I have to make a final decision on what it is that I really want. When you have some really special things going for you in life, it makes all the bullshit just fall to the wayside. You clear away all the mess just to get there, you know?

I'm at another stage (finally realizing these things are cyclical) of clearing in my life. It comes in the form of celebration, and symbolically enough on the cusp of 30-dom. Isn't that fitting.

I've come to some realizations. Some things that I have noticed about life.

Somethings I'm Noticing about My Life (and Others)

Life is all about these turning points...at least mine is anyway.
I am about to embark on a whole other stage of my life. But, before I go from this one, I've got some things to finish and clear up.

  • Not everything is meant to last forever, friendships included. People's places in your life can change and in some cases even diminish... and if you are realistic, they should. Accept it.

  • You are in situations you are in because you need to be there at that time in your life. Subconsciously, we create these situations that we need. There is a point to where you are in life. Only after you realize the lesson, realizing that you've been here before, does leaving a situation come easily.

  • Life is cyclical in many ways. Until you learn from certain things, you will repeat those things and feelings and situations until you get it, finally.

  • Do it for your own reasons...whatever it is. There is no regret when you conviction is strong and truly your own.

  • You can't escape life, and call yourself living it. It is an empty existence. You replace real life with material things, certain kinds of people perhaps even vices to escape what your life is. . .to not deal with those questions life has stirred in you. Stop running. Face those questions. Seek and learn those answers. It's our very purpose in life. Period.

  • Once you've left one cycle, it's hard to go back it. You can't will yourself back into a cycle of life you have left already. Sometimes we try to do it to relive old times or to re-connect with a feeling, people or situations that made us feel comfortable...ones with which we are familiar. As time passes, so must we, into things that are meant for us.

That's all for now...





Raw, aching
yet i feel nothing
maybe i ache because i want to feel
something instead

i am
shut down shut out
and alone
alone to deal with it all
on my own

i hate depending on others
don't know how or what for

always get it wrong somehow
lean when i shouldn't lean
hold back when i should
give freely
my wires are crossed
i don't work like everyone else

so that leaves me alone
alone to hold it
to cry
to scream bloody hell
to vent
to tell my secrets
to the air
to blank muted walls

no one wants to get that deep
stay on the surface where it's safe
and you can stay blind to what's real

don't get too involved
you might actually have to

i don't have the luxury of going through life
leaving it untouched, unexamined

i can't turn my head from pain
the ugly bitch forces my mind's eye back
to the truth

i can't
i won't
i will never
simply fit in.

so another one leaves me
alone to feel know and realize
all on my own