depressing...

just feeling like everything i do is becoming a mess. my life feels like it's on a downhill slide. i am doing everything that i can, but i still feel like i'm not doing enough. what else can i do to keep from completely ruining my life further?

i am back in NYC, and that was supposed to make things better. but, it didn't really. i'm just around family and friends who can now witness my depression and downward spiral.

i can't really use PA or my relationship being too clingy as an excuse.

in a city with so many diversions and attractions and things to get into, i am STILL cooped up in an apartment doing nothing to further myself. i'm just here....existing.

how do i stop imprisoning myself? can anybody help me?

isn't it ironic? don't ya think?

for a good chunk of February, i have been sick: yacking up things unimaginable or long since forgotten, sneezing, coughing and the final straw: i have lost my voice.

i haven't been able to talk to anyone about anything, without using hand signals or getting at least one "whadjya say?" thrown into the conversational mix. I mean, it's about an octave higher than that of Mickey Mouse for Christ's sake.

i just hope it's not bronchitis again. i had it about a year ago this time, and it's horrible! it feels like somebody is sitting on your chest, and there's a cough, an annoying cough.

ANYWAY, let me stop because i could go on and on and on about how bad i feel. . .but i'll spare you the details...it's one of those "ya had to be there" moments anyway.

my relationship however has reached a new level....even though we're engaged to be married and have been since august 2005. and, i thought that we couldn't get any more committed than that. engagement is the top rung of the relationship ladder, ain't it? i was wrong. for some reason that defies any explanation i could rightly give, N and i are closer than ever, "talking" about things we never have before.

since N and I have been engaged, we have had some of our most memorable and loving moments. it has also, however, been peppered with some of the ugliest and most bitter fights we've ever had. it was just about a 10:5 ratio.

for every kind thing we said to each other, there was a snarky, smart-assed comment from me or a thoughtless aloof action from him.

but since Valentine's Day, we've been talking more. the more of my voice i lost, the more we communicated. and finally on sunday, when my voice reached it's lowest point (aka no voice whatsoever), N and i had a breakthrough. i told him things that no one knows about me. i expressed my fears and my frustrations in a way that he totally got. he told me things too. things i had never heard him say aloud. hey, maybe he has said them, but i just wasn't listening? distracted by the sound of my own thoughts. my own feelings and opinions. my voice.

i have been doing a lot more listening now that my physical voice is quieted. because i have no voice, i have to whisper. N has been whispering right along with me, purely out of conditioning i suppose (try talking to someone who is whispering to you....and you'll see what i mean). but on a more tacit level, he has calmed down in his demeanor. he is more thoughtful in the words he is using with me. his actions have purpose. his every move, pregnant with meaning... there's something almost zen about it all.

by some twist of fate (or by working around germy kids all day--you take your pick here), losing my voice helped me to really hear the man i love completely for the first time. it's showing me that i always knew anyway--communicating love to someone resonates more when it's beyond just talk.

clear...sad, but clear.....

so....with the new year, as always, i get revelations on the true nature of this world, and the people in it. yet i, like a do-do, continue to ignore all of the signs.

what do you do when you're in a "situation," and there's really not much you can do about it? i will wait. bide my time, and wait it out.

i have been making some changes so far, for the good. they finally know who i am here in PA. that's a good thing i guess. it'll make my life a little more bearable. i have finally let go of NYC as my home. PA is my home now. why does that make me sad?

i learned that my job is a situation that i don't want to be in. i love teaching, and i miss it so much. i am most happy when i am interacting with the children. the adults, are a bunch of idiots, save for a few guided souls who are living examined lives. thank god for them. i'd go crazy otherwise, you know? you need that person you can turn to and say, "is it just me or....."

my living situation is, well, not. i can't honestly call what i am doing, living. i see life around me, and this ain't it. i have let my life deteriorate since i left nyc. can't blame it on the surroundings...i've had opportunities to live....i just haven't taken them. i've been living someone else's life. my friends here have made numerous attempts at helping me get into the social scene here. and i, stuck in a rut, say, "no, i have to go home." to do what? damn if i know what i've been doing with the last six months of my life.

i have serious weight issues....even more serious than i neurosied about in the past. i am at an all-time-high weight of 235 pounds. That would be cool if i were 6 feet 6 inches....but damn my short parents (they always get blamed, huh?)!!!! I'm only 5'4". Yes, i'm short and quite round. my knees hurt, my back aches, and heartburn is a daily battle for me. i huff and puff when i hit only a few flights of stairs....i'm a veritable beast! i have a year and 4 months to turn it around...hopefully in a healthy way...

so, yeah, things are clear...sad, but clear. things are out of control.

well, at least i made a little progress. i went to the dmv to get my pic taken for my ID today (damn i look like a pudgy mess in that pic!). "you wanna take it again ma'am or you want this pic?," said the wheelchair-bound dmv employee. he was kinder than any dmv folk i ever came across.. but the mortified look on my face would have told him that i wanted neither, even if i hadn't choked out an "it's fine," at the sight of the pic. Ay! that pic! it's akin only to the proverbial "buried neck high in sh*t, with a pail of snot or vice versa..." i couldn't win either way today....

like i said tho, i made a little progress. at least it's done....that's a major accomplishment for a procrastinator like me...