a brief examination...

my mood has brightened a bit since the last post. i am, as usual, in the middle of all types of things happening right now in my life....

Chris and I are moving on December 1. We have decided to take the apartment downstairs from where we are now. It's bigger. What will we do with all that space you say? Well, we are officially "trying" if you know what I mean. We are actively trying to have children. The notion both excites and frightens the hell out of me at the same time. Nonetheless, I am doing my best to stay in the moment of this change.

The apartment is really nice, 3 bedrooms and 1 1/2 baths...finding a rent-stabilized space like that in New York Gentrified City these days is a miracle. This was an opportunity we couldn't pass up. I look forward to decorating the space as well.

Things are pretty good on the career end. As always, my work with the students keeps me very busy....the difference is that I only have 2 extra jobs this time...not three like last year. My school is up for its quality review in a little less than a week, and that has everybody, right up to the top, on edge. I can't wait until things begin to return to normal again.

Looking further down the horizon, I'd like to return to school for my administrative license as well. A wise colleague told me that I should go for it, even if I know I don't want to be a principal or an assistant principal (their hours frighten me). I know that I want to eventually be out of the classroom, and that licensure will allow me to do that with ease.

My writing (as is evident from my sporadic postings on here) is on the back burner right now. In the busy-ness of life, I just don't get to it the way that I used to. Lately, I haven't been feeling inspired either. Perhaps I'll come back to it someday when the mood strikes.

My spirit has taken a beating as of late. I have been feeling extremely disinterested and unmotivated in my life. I don't know why that is. My energy is drained by some very personal things I'm choosing not to share in this setting. And, that has to stop. My life has become a depressing lump and I had become a lump along with it.

I am hoping that by writing and putting a little love into you, dear blog, my spirit will lift to some degree. I already feel a bit lighter.

I just don't want to give my energy to something or someone which is breaking my spirit the way things have as of late. I have a habit of letting almost anything in, interacting with every single entity that comes along, and it's killing me emotionally.

There are things in my life which are tearing at my soul...a veritable tug of war between those things which deserve my attention and those which do not. With what little energy I have, I am tired of being pulled this way and that. I need peace of mind. That totally sounds cliche, but it is so dead-on for me in my current mental and emotional state.

I wish I had to secret to finally being able to let go and letting the fabric of life prevail. I haven't mastered that yet, but at least I feel like I am trying...

So as I often do with a little time off (today is Veteran's day), I will spend time meditating on what that secret might be.

My question is, simply: What is important to Jenny's well-being now?



today i feel nothing. nothing at all. there is no one to talk to, and nothing i can do about it right now. . .

as i sometimes tell my students to do, i am writing about nothing in the hopes that something, anything will come along and inspire me.

perhaps i'll have a more cheery update when i'm feeling that way....but right now, there is nothing.


breathing: a lost art

well, here i am, 80 days away from my wedding, in the spring of the elementary school year with my fourth grade class, holding down my 3 part-time jobs during the school day.

and oh, yeah, i'm still here. u can't imagine my excitement and stress level right now. as usual, life isn't even having the decency to slow down and happen one thing at a time for little old me. so, i'm juggling it all, like the rest of us all, taking it as it comes.

i am reminded about what my teaching mentor told me in my first year of school - don't take on so much. in the past months, it's been necessary to pick up this thing for the school, add this trip to this place for the wedding, tack on this task right after i'm done with that other thing for afterschool.

problem is, i forgot to put some of this stuff down! i'm carrying too much at once.
so, guess what? i'm off for a week, during which i plan to unload some of the billion things i'm taking on all at once.

it's funny how one can forget to breathe...that simple involuntary task is one that i've been taking for granted lately. i mean, of course i'm heaving air in and out to simply exist in the physiological sense. but, i can't remember the last time i let some fresh air and space into my mind and my life. like still water, my life has been stagnant and stink with the stench of monotony. yet, weirdly enough, everything that's been done is moving us ever closer to July 12, 2008, the day N's life and my life changes forever.

wish me luck in the next five days, as i plunk down some of my burdens and worries on the side of the road and clean mental house.