major developments...

I haven't written on here in so long. Wow. Almost 3 months to the day....

I feel a major upheaval coming...of the spiritual variety. This is a good thing. It's been so long that I've written because my spirit has been clouded by the everyday stuff that goes on. It's too easy sometimes to get sucked into it.

It seems that everyone (myself included) wants everything to be easy, quick and agreeable all of the time. And life isn't like that. Sometimes life is just plain ugly and painful and hard to deal with....

It's like I keep telling my students during math class....it's not always the answer that I am looking for. Sometimes it's how you got there that counts.

So, that makes me think: how am I getting to where I'd like to be in my own life? You know the question we all ask at one point or another---do the ends justify the means?

I've sat by and let things and people rob my spirit. Now that my head is lifted out of it, I wonder how it happened. . . or better yet, how do I get myself out of it?

Enough wonderings for now...

Good news. I am pregnant with my first child in our little Barnes family. Baby will make three. It's true what they say: babies do help you to prioritize what is indeed important in life and what is not. A lot of BS has just fallen to the wayside, and I am sobered to realities in my life or reaffirming the positives that are here right now.

When I saw that first sonogram, I realized what a miracle it is to have a little life inside you, functioning on its own. Baby is kicking (though I can't feel it just yet), swimming, moving around. I swear to you, though, if I didn't see it on the sonogram, I wouldn't believe that it was true!

It's the kind of miracle I need to wake me out of this funk I've been in. I'm fighting it a bit, maybe because it's so new-feeling. . .doesn't even feel like a return to who I was before the last 5 years happened. It feels like I'm evolving into someone new.

To know, I am doing everything now, for two of us in this one body, makes me shake my head in amazement. I'm also watchful of what and who I let in....who I let affect me...what I say yes to, what I say no to...where I go and whose energy I am around....

Much like the wedding, the little everyday conversations I've had are just lessons in of themselves. They're insights into these people that I never really picked up on....my ears are open, and I'm hearing the most interesting things....

Creating and sustaining life is a powerful thing. I have only God to thank for it.