On Reclaiming Jenny....
Deadbeat was not part of the description I had for my life back in the day.
Facebook is fantastic in the way that it helps you connect with people you knew way back when. But, it's also helped me to connect back with parts of myself that I miss. Yep. Something is missing from my life nowadays. I don't know how I got here. But, I want me back! I miss the Jenny I once was.
Since when did I become the aunt, cousin or friend no one could count on hearing from or seeing? That has to change.
It's time for me to reconnect. I smell a move in my near future, and I want these people to know how much I love them...not just by what I say, but what I do.
I have a bad habit of making one thing my life. In essence, of hiding from certain parts of my life. And, that, my friends, is what is stifling me now. Not any one person or event. But hiding is doing it. And, the letting in of anything others throw my way as well. Just accepting what's around is, well, unacceptable!
I still love teaching, and I almost let people and the situations around me take that away from me. I love the start of the school year. I love feeling ready to meet my new class. I love getting to know them and their parents. I love teaching them and telling them about all of the fun things we'll be doing throughout the school year together.
But there are other things I want to do with my life besides teach. It was never my intention to stay stuck in education. It was always to be the backup to whatever I had happening at the forefront. So, my plan has gotten some revising in the last week...to match my true passions and to match the new addition to my life--Alyssa.
Things I Have to Reclaim:
1) Integrity - doing the things I say I will. Sticking by my decisions, the ones that are really mine.
2) Truth - being committed to what the truth of a situation is; stop rationalizing what I want to see, do or have happen.
3) Fun/spirit - i want to reclaim the fun side of me. do the things that feed my spirit, even if it's just a little bit every day
4) My own dreams for myself - some of these i've killed off because of one thing or another that i've let someone say or do to me. i've given others (certain others too much control). time to take it back.
Things to Let Go:
1) Doubt/Fear - of everything and anything that is keeping me from living the life I truly deserve.
2) Anger - especially about things, people and situations I cannot control. this is a big one, and I'll need to pray for guidance and meditate extensively about this one.
3) Other people's expectations of me - I have to do what will initially make me happy, even if others don't understand or approve. I have spent lots of time doing what others think is the best for me, but not what I truly want and my spirit needs. That's why my spirit is suffering the way it is right now.
4) Negativity - this sometimes ends up feeling like ALWAYS taking the moral high ground, but it's more. I used to really stand up for the things I believed in, and in some ways I don't do that any more. I retreated to a corner with some mere scraps of my scruples, like a wounded animal, ready to pounce on anyone trying to take what's left of me.
I also need to learn to let go. No, that's wrong. I know how to let go. I need to pry open my fingers (all of them) and do it, no matter how scary it might seem.
8.29.2009
8.03.2009
The Art of Doing
Hello blogheads! It's been ages as usual. The following post is one I dug up recently as I was updating my teaching portfolio. It's interesting that many of the things I wrote about then are just as relevant 7 years later.
It's one of the cornerstones of why I teach....enjoy!
Losing the Art of Doing
Has our fast-food/microwave society robbed us of the steps to gratefulness?
Written May 27, 2002
By Jenny Kinscy
No one knows how to do anything anymore. Heaven forbid we have a technology meltdown, what will we do then??? Who will survive?
Make no mistake: technology is an important component to many aspects of our lives. The advances in technology have replaced the need for many of the processes that would take us time to complete. We can talk to people through our computers instead of writing letters. We can buy our clothes, food and entertainment ready-made without the fuss of doing anything ourselves. Some of us can even hire other people to do the “tedious work” like laundry, cleaning, tending to our children to avoid doing it ourselves. This, I believe is bringing us to lopsided lives, in which we are no longer really involved. We don’t bring anything to our lives anymore. Many of us sit and wait for life to come to us as a result. We as a society have worked to obliterate the processes that involve us in life. We have wiped out the steps we follow to do things to make life more expedient. But in doing so, we lose a great deal of purpose and appreciation for what we obtain. Our lives are imbalanced.
Today most people want everything “right now,” without putting any work into getting the things they want. If there is an easier shortcut to doing something or attaining something, most people will take it.
As a result—and as with many things-- our children are following our lead. Pop culture is churning out fame at an instantaneous speed. Celebrities, advertisements, images of public figures and stories we hear all associate fast with good, while dangerously sloughing over taking any steps to get to that fame. So, our society is producing people, adults and children, who are more focused on the destination than the journey in getting there.
My father and I sat in his living room one night, digging out old family relics from the storage room. He and I reminisced over pictures of aunts, grandma, and other relatives. We laughed and refreshed each others memories while dusting off my old grade school report cards, awards, and even some third grade art work.
After more searching through our storage bins, I found an old JC Penney catalog, from 1976. Amazed that we still had it, I began thumbing through the catalog. I flipped past so many pages filled with dress patterns, young girls knitting, and other craft supplies. For a moment I thought about how different the contents were compared to the catalogs we get now. As my father and I talked, I realized that kids today are not focused on these kinds of crafts or the skills they help build.
But my ideal is about more than learning a trade or hobby. The “Art of Doing” is in direct relation to the “Art of Truly Being” in my opinion. Are we just sitting here, following some script of things we’re supposed to do before we die? How boring! There has to be more to life than that. How many of us can or do really look at ourselves outside of our roles in life to see what's there? Is there anything? Shouldn't there be? We as miraculous creations of a Higher Power owe it to ourselves to explore what that something else is. And I believe that we can find that, just in the simple art of doing...of completing a process.
The World Trade Center disaster was a major indicator for many that time waits for no one. Our days are not promised to us. I know we've all experienced a newfound gratefulness, but what are we really doing with our lives? It is my hope that as I have, you are examining this very idea, questioning the true value of the things in your life.
Have you ever heard of assembly line workers or data entry operators who love what they do and wondered how in the world could they? That, to me, is the Art of Doing at work. The act of doing something that has steps to follow can be very freeing. Our personalities, our own individual humanness is the variable that shines when observed against the structure of a process.
My dad enjoys gardening. He told me the other day "You know I love this. It relaxes me so." I have no doubt about that. His home is draped in sprays of living greenery on every floor and in every room. Every now and then I catch glimpses of my father, happily tending to each plant, digging his hands into moist soil to plant new seeds, and watering his "babies," a term of endearment for his plants. I sense wholeness in him, one which I doubt he could get from having someone else tend the garden for him.
Easy Come, Easy Go
When the process of doing things yourself is eliminated, we miss out on being grateful for the end product. In a way it feels as though we haven't done anything to get to our goals. So why then, should we expect to appreciate it fully and strive or fight to keep it?
I've heard it said that successful living lies not within arriving at our destinations, but the experiences, good and bad, along the way.
Many of us dismiss and forget those experiences, running at breakneck speed towards our goals. That is a mistake. Life and destiny implore us again and again to stop and take notice, meditate and think deeply about our paths, how we got here, where we are, what we are doing and who we experience as we strive to get there. It is the decisions we make and the reactions we choose to enact along the way that define us.
We all need to become people of character and not material possession. This doesn't mean, sell all your belongings and wander through the thick of the woods or desert. Things come and go, and anyone can attain those baubles and trinkets that temporarily tickle those you wish to impress. But your character lasts far longer in hearts and minds. Look at Jesus Christ. Look at Buddha. Look at Muhammad (PBTH). Look at Martin Luther King. Look at Malcolm X. Look at our countless other heroes. The human race holds all of these people in an esteem that is virtually iconic. But in reality, they possessed humanity just like we do. We are all capable of these great things, of being brave, of being people of character. We all affect people in ways we will always have yet to realize.
The people I have mentioned all went through some kind of process to attain what they knew was truly good. Most didn't live to even see the lasting influence of their efforts. So surely they couldn't count on just the destination as inspiration. But, as many of you know, billions of people across this planet continue to live by those defining moments in their lives, being in awe of their dedication to the art of the long, arduous, unpopular, and ultimately rewarding process.
Ask yourself: What are you doing to get “there”? When all is said and done, whose lives will be impacted by your defining moments?
Hello blogheads! It's been ages as usual. The following post is one I dug up recently as I was updating my teaching portfolio. It's interesting that many of the things I wrote about then are just as relevant 7 years later.
It's one of the cornerstones of why I teach....enjoy!
Losing the Art of Doing
Has our fast-food/microwave society robbed us of the steps to gratefulness?
Written May 27, 2002
By Jenny Kinscy
No one knows how to do anything anymore. Heaven forbid we have a technology meltdown, what will we do then??? Who will survive?
Make no mistake: technology is an important component to many aspects of our lives. The advances in technology have replaced the need for many of the processes that would take us time to complete. We can talk to people through our computers instead of writing letters. We can buy our clothes, food and entertainment ready-made without the fuss of doing anything ourselves. Some of us can even hire other people to do the “tedious work” like laundry, cleaning, tending to our children to avoid doing it ourselves. This, I believe is bringing us to lopsided lives, in which we are no longer really involved. We don’t bring anything to our lives anymore. Many of us sit and wait for life to come to us as a result. We as a society have worked to obliterate the processes that involve us in life. We have wiped out the steps we follow to do things to make life more expedient. But in doing so, we lose a great deal of purpose and appreciation for what we obtain. Our lives are imbalanced.
Today most people want everything “right now,” without putting any work into getting the things they want. If there is an easier shortcut to doing something or attaining something, most people will take it.
As a result—and as with many things-- our children are following our lead. Pop culture is churning out fame at an instantaneous speed. Celebrities, advertisements, images of public figures and stories we hear all associate fast with good, while dangerously sloughing over taking any steps to get to that fame. So, our society is producing people, adults and children, who are more focused on the destination than the journey in getting there.
My father and I sat in his living room one night, digging out old family relics from the storage room. He and I reminisced over pictures of aunts, grandma, and other relatives. We laughed and refreshed each others memories while dusting off my old grade school report cards, awards, and even some third grade art work.
After more searching through our storage bins, I found an old JC Penney catalog, from 1976. Amazed that we still had it, I began thumbing through the catalog. I flipped past so many pages filled with dress patterns, young girls knitting, and other craft supplies. For a moment I thought about how different the contents were compared to the catalogs we get now. As my father and I talked, I realized that kids today are not focused on these kinds of crafts or the skills they help build.
But my ideal is about more than learning a trade or hobby. The “Art of Doing” is in direct relation to the “Art of Truly Being” in my opinion. Are we just sitting here, following some script of things we’re supposed to do before we die? How boring! There has to be more to life than that. How many of us can or do really look at ourselves outside of our roles in life to see what's there? Is there anything? Shouldn't there be? We as miraculous creations of a Higher Power owe it to ourselves to explore what that something else is. And I believe that we can find that, just in the simple art of doing...of completing a process.
The World Trade Center disaster was a major indicator for many that time waits for no one. Our days are not promised to us. I know we've all experienced a newfound gratefulness, but what are we really doing with our lives? It is my hope that as I have, you are examining this very idea, questioning the true value of the things in your life.
Have you ever heard of assembly line workers or data entry operators who love what they do and wondered how in the world could they? That, to me, is the Art of Doing at work. The act of doing something that has steps to follow can be very freeing. Our personalities, our own individual humanness is the variable that shines when observed against the structure of a process.
My dad enjoys gardening. He told me the other day "You know I love this. It relaxes me so." I have no doubt about that. His home is draped in sprays of living greenery on every floor and in every room. Every now and then I catch glimpses of my father, happily tending to each plant, digging his hands into moist soil to plant new seeds, and watering his "babies," a term of endearment for his plants. I sense wholeness in him, one which I doubt he could get from having someone else tend the garden for him.
Easy Come, Easy Go
When the process of doing things yourself is eliminated, we miss out on being grateful for the end product. In a way it feels as though we haven't done anything to get to our goals. So why then, should we expect to appreciate it fully and strive or fight to keep it?
I've heard it said that successful living lies not within arriving at our destinations, but the experiences, good and bad, along the way.
Many of us dismiss and forget those experiences, running at breakneck speed towards our goals. That is a mistake. Life and destiny implore us again and again to stop and take notice, meditate and think deeply about our paths, how we got here, where we are, what we are doing and who we experience as we strive to get there. It is the decisions we make and the reactions we choose to enact along the way that define us.
We all need to become people of character and not material possession. This doesn't mean, sell all your belongings and wander through the thick of the woods or desert. Things come and go, and anyone can attain those baubles and trinkets that temporarily tickle those you wish to impress. But your character lasts far longer in hearts and minds. Look at Jesus Christ. Look at Buddha. Look at Muhammad (PBTH). Look at Martin Luther King. Look at Malcolm X. Look at our countless other heroes. The human race holds all of these people in an esteem that is virtually iconic. But in reality, they possessed humanity just like we do. We are all capable of these great things, of being brave, of being people of character. We all affect people in ways we will always have yet to realize.
The people I have mentioned all went through some kind of process to attain what they knew was truly good. Most didn't live to even see the lasting influence of their efforts. So surely they couldn't count on just the destination as inspiration. But, as many of you know, billions of people across this planet continue to live by those defining moments in their lives, being in awe of their dedication to the art of the long, arduous, unpopular, and ultimately rewarding process.
Ask yourself: What are you doing to get “there”? When all is said and done, whose lives will be impacted by your defining moments?
5.25.2009
it's hard...
It's hard when you realize that the things you once loved are no longer the same...that they've just changed forever....and worse yet---that you have to get rid of them, and let. them. go.
letting go is extremely hard:
when your heart has been so into it
when you did everything in your power to nuture it, and it still doesn't work
when you know that you can't overcome the wrong turns
when life--just being itself--doesn't give you the answers you were looking for
when you realize that it (whatever "it" is) is just out of your control. there is nothing you can do about what is about to happen
when you can't forget how good things once were, but at the same time, you can't ignore all of the big, glaring red flags that say that "things have changed" and "the situation is no longer good for you"
when you realize this thing you loved is no longer good for you, yet you wonder how it got to this point
letting go is just so fucking hard
It's hard when you realize that the things you once loved are no longer the same...that they've just changed forever....and worse yet---that you have to get rid of them, and let. them. go.
letting go is extremely hard:
when your heart has been so into it
when you did everything in your power to nuture it, and it still doesn't work
when you know that you can't overcome the wrong turns
when life--just being itself--doesn't give you the answers you were looking for
when you realize that it (whatever "it" is) is just out of your control. there is nothing you can do about what is about to happen
when you can't forget how good things once were, but at the same time, you can't ignore all of the big, glaring red flags that say that "things have changed" and "the situation is no longer good for you"
when you realize this thing you loved is no longer good for you, yet you wonder how it got to this point
letting go is just so fucking hard
5.03.2009
big things....
well, well, well....It's the very next month...heck it's the next week! And I'm back.
just touching base:
Enjoying my pregnancy right now. Baby Barnes is the size of an avocado, and I'm approaching my 4th month. I can't knock the symptom- (and Aunt Flo) free trimester I'm in. I find that if I eat smaller meals and graze as opposed to a big sit-down meal, I can avoid morning sickness altogether.
Last night, I discovered the very foreign experience of going to an "open bar" function without indulging in any myself. Hubby was kind enough to make me some virgin pina coladas, which were dee-lish. As I sipped my smooth and thick mocktail, I learned a few things. It's fascinating to see folks ossified when you aren't. This is one of the first times I've experienced something like this en masse. People say the funniest and most truthful things when they are drunk off their asses. Sometimes it's poignant, sometimes it's...well, not. And for some, there's always that weird drunken apology assigning blame to the festivities (a la Jamie's recent song about "ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-alcohol"). For others, there is the hysterical and potentially violent puffing of the chest, to stand, albeit not steadily, by one's proclamation of truthfulness. Let's just say I heard the phrase "Yeah! I said it!" tossed around more than once or twice last night.
What a revelation to see this from the sober perspective....how funny, silly, crazy, horny, truthful and genuine we all become post-consumption. I have to wonder if this is what it's looked like all these years that I was getting my own drink on? I would cringe at the thought of some of the things I did and said. But, I guess the drink has sufficiently burned away my memory of much of my naughty deeds from my personal heyday.
So instead, I suppose I can laugh soberly about it all. Moreover, I'm getting the concept that it's my turn to look out for those who always looked out for me back in my days of saucing it up. :) That's one way to think about it....
well, well, well....It's the very next month...heck it's the next week! And I'm back.
just touching base:
Enjoying my pregnancy right now. Baby Barnes is the size of an avocado, and I'm approaching my 4th month. I can't knock the symptom- (and Aunt Flo) free trimester I'm in. I find that if I eat smaller meals and graze as opposed to a big sit-down meal, I can avoid morning sickness altogether.
Last night, I discovered the very foreign experience of going to an "open bar" function without indulging in any myself. Hubby was kind enough to make me some virgin pina coladas, which were dee-lish. As I sipped my smooth and thick mocktail, I learned a few things. It's fascinating to see folks ossified when you aren't. This is one of the first times I've experienced something like this en masse. People say the funniest and most truthful things when they are drunk off their asses. Sometimes it's poignant, sometimes it's...well, not. And for some, there's always that weird drunken apology assigning blame to the festivities (a la Jamie's recent song about "ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-alcohol"). For others, there is the hysterical and potentially violent puffing of the chest, to stand, albeit not steadily, by one's proclamation of truthfulness. Let's just say I heard the phrase "Yeah! I said it!" tossed around more than once or twice last night.
What a revelation to see this from the sober perspective....how funny, silly, crazy, horny, truthful and genuine we all become post-consumption. I have to wonder if this is what it's looked like all these years that I was getting my own drink on? I would cringe at the thought of some of the things I did and said. But, I guess the drink has sufficiently burned away my memory of much of my naughty deeds from my personal heyday.
So instead, I suppose I can laugh soberly about it all. Moreover, I'm getting the concept that it's my turn to look out for those who always looked out for me back in my days of saucing it up. :) That's one way to think about it....
4.28.2009
major developments...
I haven't written on here in so long. Wow. Almost 3 months to the day....
I feel a major upheaval coming...of the spiritual variety. This is a good thing. It's been so long that I've written because my spirit has been clouded by the everyday stuff that goes on. It's too easy sometimes to get sucked into it.
It seems that everyone (myself included) wants everything to be easy, quick and agreeable all of the time. And life isn't like that. Sometimes life is just plain ugly and painful and hard to deal with....
It's like I keep telling my students during math class....it's not always the answer that I am looking for. Sometimes it's how you got there that counts.
So, that makes me think: how am I getting to where I'd like to be in my own life? You know the question we all ask at one point or another---do the ends justify the means?
I've sat by and let things and people rob my spirit. Now that my head is lifted out of it, I wonder how it happened. . . or better yet, how do I get myself out of it?
Enough wonderings for now...
Good news. I am pregnant with my first child in our little Barnes family. Baby will make three. It's true what they say: babies do help you to prioritize what is indeed important in life and what is not. A lot of BS has just fallen to the wayside, and I am sobered to realities in my life or reaffirming the positives that are here right now.
When I saw that first sonogram, I realized what a miracle it is to have a little life inside you, functioning on its own. Baby is kicking (though I can't feel it just yet), swimming, moving around. I swear to you, though, if I didn't see it on the sonogram, I wouldn't believe that it was true!
It's the kind of miracle I need to wake me out of this funk I've been in. I'm fighting it a bit, maybe because it's so new-feeling. . .doesn't even feel like a return to who I was before the last 5 years happened. It feels like I'm evolving into someone new.
To know, I am doing everything now, for two of us in this one body, makes me shake my head in amazement. I'm also watchful of what and who I let in....who I let affect me...what I say yes to, what I say no to...where I go and whose energy I am around....
Much like the wedding, the little everyday conversations I've had are just lessons in of themselves. They're insights into these people that I never really picked up on....my ears are open, and I'm hearing the most interesting things....
Creating and sustaining life is a powerful thing. I have only God to thank for it.
I haven't written on here in so long. Wow. Almost 3 months to the day....
I feel a major upheaval coming...of the spiritual variety. This is a good thing. It's been so long that I've written because my spirit has been clouded by the everyday stuff that goes on. It's too easy sometimes to get sucked into it.
It seems that everyone (myself included) wants everything to be easy, quick and agreeable all of the time. And life isn't like that. Sometimes life is just plain ugly and painful and hard to deal with....
It's like I keep telling my students during math class....it's not always the answer that I am looking for. Sometimes it's how you got there that counts.
So, that makes me think: how am I getting to where I'd like to be in my own life? You know the question we all ask at one point or another---do the ends justify the means?
I've sat by and let things and people rob my spirit. Now that my head is lifted out of it, I wonder how it happened. . . or better yet, how do I get myself out of it?
Enough wonderings for now...
Good news. I am pregnant with my first child in our little Barnes family. Baby will make three. It's true what they say: babies do help you to prioritize what is indeed important in life and what is not. A lot of BS has just fallen to the wayside, and I am sobered to realities in my life or reaffirming the positives that are here right now.
When I saw that first sonogram, I realized what a miracle it is to have a little life inside you, functioning on its own. Baby is kicking (though I can't feel it just yet), swimming, moving around. I swear to you, though, if I didn't see it on the sonogram, I wouldn't believe that it was true!
It's the kind of miracle I need to wake me out of this funk I've been in. I'm fighting it a bit, maybe because it's so new-feeling. . .doesn't even feel like a return to who I was before the last 5 years happened. It feels like I'm evolving into someone new.
To know, I am doing everything now, for two of us in this one body, makes me shake my head in amazement. I'm also watchful of what and who I let in....who I let affect me...what I say yes to, what I say no to...where I go and whose energy I am around....
Much like the wedding, the little everyday conversations I've had are just lessons in of themselves. They're insights into these people that I never really picked up on....my ears are open, and I'm hearing the most interesting things....
Creating and sustaining life is a powerful thing. I have only God to thank for it.
1.30.2009
Okay, I took this from Facebook-- a site that is frighteningly addictive. So, I figure I'll get some mileage out of this piece and update the blog at the same time. Perhaps I'll have more to say soon. Until then though, here are:
1. I now live in Brooklyn, after bouncing back and forth from PA to Brooklyn. So far I've lived in PA twice in my lifetime.
2. As a little girl, I once got my head stuck in an iron fence on Utica Avenue here in Brooklyn...an experience that surprisingly had a more profound lesson learned (take your time and try to calm down in crisis situations)
3. I have the most vivid dreams of anyone I know and a journal where I have written most of them down (contact me sometime, I'll tell you about them).
4. I once had 5 piercings. I have since let 3 of them close up.
5. In high school, I went on a youth pilgrimage to Poland. I lived in a youth hostel, ate roadside grilled kielbasa (still the BEST I've ever tasted), and stood in the gas chambers of Auschwitz during my visit. Powerful.
6. I didn't catch the chicken pox until I was sixteen and in high school. I was supposed to star in a musical, but my poor friend had to fill in for me instead (sorry Lisa!)
7. I got to meet Mos Def at a youth rally in Brooklyn, before he became large
8. I once got booted off a stage by Ed Lover & Bill Bellamy.
9. In my next lifetime, I'd like to be a radio DJ again as "The Mackstress"
10. I absolutely love reading good books, especially science fiction and horror.
11. I once took bellydancing classes and I plan to go back for more.
12. I never learned to swim. Still need to get the whole "don't try to breath in water" part down.
13. In the past, a person I was dating showed up at my home with two of the strangest gifts: a plaster, full-color mask of his face (life-sized), and hershey's kisses with the little papers pulled out and replaced with even smaller papers which each said "Jenny" printed in frighteningly meticulous fashion. All of this in a shoe box. Dude.
14. My friends and I have walked out on a restaurant bill because there was a potato in the sangria. They never even missed us!
15. My husband and I both have aunts who were named Juanita Johnson (at some point in their lives) and who were widowed by husbands named Uncle Eddie.
16. My colleague and I have gone to the Christmas Party, slept (more like passed out) at our boss's house, and gone right back to work with the same clothes on.
17. I remember bits and pieces of my own birth. I am lucky enough to have verified the details with the only other person who was there at the time--my mother.
18. I was once a Eucharistic Minister.
19. I once played hooky in sixth grade, and my mother called the cops. Needless to say, I got it that day (old schoolers you know what's up)
20. When I was much younger, I used to sleep on my sister's back. And she let me (now that's love).
21. I miss writing terribly. Writing has taught me to choose my use of words carefully to make a powerful impact. Here are four that should only be used if you really mean it: promise (i agree Vaish), love, yes and friend.
22. Like my brother in law Steve, I love going to the movies alone.
23. I am an avid foodie and I love trying new things. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie just because I love the food they prepare in it. Yet, the series "Man vs. Food" periodically grosses me out.
24. I have had every black woman's hairstyle in existence excepting only the Jheri curl (and its greasy descendants) and the weaves that need to be sewn in.
25. I love my family, both the one I was born into, and the new fam I have gained through marriage.
25 Random Things About Jenny
1. I now live in Brooklyn, after bouncing back and forth from PA to Brooklyn. So far I've lived in PA twice in my lifetime.
2. As a little girl, I once got my head stuck in an iron fence on Utica Avenue here in Brooklyn...an experience that surprisingly had a more profound lesson learned (take your time and try to calm down in crisis situations)
3. I have the most vivid dreams of anyone I know and a journal where I have written most of them down (contact me sometime, I'll tell you about them).
4. I once had 5 piercings. I have since let 3 of them close up.
5. In high school, I went on a youth pilgrimage to Poland. I lived in a youth hostel, ate roadside grilled kielbasa (still the BEST I've ever tasted), and stood in the gas chambers of Auschwitz during my visit. Powerful.
6. I didn't catch the chicken pox until I was sixteen and in high school. I was supposed to star in a musical, but my poor friend had to fill in for me instead (sorry Lisa!)
7. I got to meet Mos Def at a youth rally in Brooklyn, before he became large
8. I once got booted off a stage by Ed Lover & Bill Bellamy.
9. In my next lifetime, I'd like to be a radio DJ again as "The Mackstress"
10. I absolutely love reading good books, especially science fiction and horror.
11. I once took bellydancing classes and I plan to go back for more.
12. I never learned to swim. Still need to get the whole "don't try to breath in water" part down.
13. In the past, a person I was dating showed up at my home with two of the strangest gifts: a plaster, full-color mask of his face (life-sized), and hershey's kisses with the little papers pulled out and replaced with even smaller papers which each said "Jenny" printed in frighteningly meticulous fashion. All of this in a shoe box. Dude.
14. My friends and I have walked out on a restaurant bill because there was a potato in the sangria. They never even missed us!
15. My husband and I both have aunts who were named Juanita Johnson (at some point in their lives) and who were widowed by husbands named Uncle Eddie.
16. My colleague and I have gone to the Christmas Party, slept (more like passed out) at our boss's house, and gone right back to work with the same clothes on.
17. I remember bits and pieces of my own birth. I am lucky enough to have verified the details with the only other person who was there at the time--my mother.
18. I was once a Eucharistic Minister.
19. I once played hooky in sixth grade, and my mother called the cops. Needless to say, I got it that day (old schoolers you know what's up)
20. When I was much younger, I used to sleep on my sister's back. And she let me (now that's love).
21. I miss writing terribly. Writing has taught me to choose my use of words carefully to make a powerful impact. Here are four that should only be used if you really mean it: promise (i agree Vaish), love, yes and friend.
22. Like my brother in law Steve, I love going to the movies alone.
23. I am an avid foodie and I love trying new things. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie just because I love the food they prepare in it. Yet, the series "Man vs. Food" periodically grosses me out.
24. I have had every black woman's hairstyle in existence excepting only the Jheri curl (and its greasy descendants) and the weaves that need to be sewn in.
25. I love my family, both the one I was born into, and the new fam I have gained through marriage.
11.11.2008
a brief examination...
my mood has brightened a bit since the last post. i am, as usual, in the middle of all types of things happening right now in my life....
home
Chris and I are moving on December 1. We have decided to take the apartment downstairs from where we are now. It's bigger. What will we do with all that space you say? Well, we are officially "trying" if you know what I mean. We are actively trying to have children. The notion both excites and frightens the hell out of me at the same time. Nonetheless, I am doing my best to stay in the moment of this change.
The apartment is really nice, 3 bedrooms and 1 1/2 baths...finding a rent-stabilized space like that in New York Gentrified City these days is a miracle. This was an opportunity we couldn't pass up. I look forward to decorating the space as well.
career
Things are pretty good on the career end. As always, my work with the students keeps me very busy....the difference is that I only have 2 extra jobs this time...not three like last year. My school is up for its quality review in a little less than a week, and that has everybody, right up to the top, on edge. I can't wait until things begin to return to normal again.
Looking further down the horizon, I'd like to return to school for my administrative license as well. A wise colleague told me that I should go for it, even if I know I don't want to be a principal or an assistant principal (their hours frighten me). I know that I want to eventually be out of the classroom, and that licensure will allow me to do that with ease.
My writing (as is evident from my sporadic postings on here) is on the back burner right now. In the busy-ness of life, I just don't get to it the way that I used to. Lately, I haven't been feeling inspired either. Perhaps I'll come back to it someday when the mood strikes.
spirit
My spirit has taken a beating as of late. I have been feeling extremely disinterested and unmotivated in my life. I don't know why that is. My energy is drained by some very personal things I'm choosing not to share in this setting. And, that has to stop. My life has become a depressing lump and I had become a lump along with it.
I am hoping that by writing and putting a little love into you, dear blog, my spirit will lift to some degree. I already feel a bit lighter.
I just don't want to give my energy to something or someone which is breaking my spirit the way things have as of late. I have a habit of letting almost anything in, interacting with every single entity that comes along, and it's killing me emotionally.
There are things in my life which are tearing at my soul...a veritable tug of war between those things which deserve my attention and those which do not. With what little energy I have, I am tired of being pulled this way and that. I need peace of mind. That totally sounds cliche, but it is so dead-on for me in my current mental and emotional state.
I wish I had to secret to finally being able to let go and letting the fabric of life prevail. I haven't mastered that yet, but at least I feel like I am trying...
So as I often do with a little time off (today is Veteran's day), I will spend time meditating on what that secret might be.
My question is, simply: What is important to Jenny's well-being now?
my mood has brightened a bit since the last post. i am, as usual, in the middle of all types of things happening right now in my life....
home
Chris and I are moving on December 1. We have decided to take the apartment downstairs from where we are now. It's bigger. What will we do with all that space you say? Well, we are officially "trying" if you know what I mean. We are actively trying to have children. The notion both excites and frightens the hell out of me at the same time. Nonetheless, I am doing my best to stay in the moment of this change.
The apartment is really nice, 3 bedrooms and 1 1/2 baths...finding a rent-stabilized space like that in New York Gentrified City these days is a miracle. This was an opportunity we couldn't pass up. I look forward to decorating the space as well.
career
Things are pretty good on the career end. As always, my work with the students keeps me very busy....the difference is that I only have 2 extra jobs this time...not three like last year. My school is up for its quality review in a little less than a week, and that has everybody, right up to the top, on edge. I can't wait until things begin to return to normal again.
Looking further down the horizon, I'd like to return to school for my administrative license as well. A wise colleague told me that I should go for it, even if I know I don't want to be a principal or an assistant principal (their hours frighten me). I know that I want to eventually be out of the classroom, and that licensure will allow me to do that with ease.
My writing (as is evident from my sporadic postings on here) is on the back burner right now. In the busy-ness of life, I just don't get to it the way that I used to. Lately, I haven't been feeling inspired either. Perhaps I'll come back to it someday when the mood strikes.
spirit
My spirit has taken a beating as of late. I have been feeling extremely disinterested and unmotivated in my life. I don't know why that is. My energy is drained by some very personal things I'm choosing not to share in this setting. And, that has to stop. My life has become a depressing lump and I had become a lump along with it.
I am hoping that by writing and putting a little love into you, dear blog, my spirit will lift to some degree. I already feel a bit lighter.
I just don't want to give my energy to something or someone which is breaking my spirit the way things have as of late. I have a habit of letting almost anything in, interacting with every single entity that comes along, and it's killing me emotionally.
There are things in my life which are tearing at my soul...a veritable tug of war between those things which deserve my attention and those which do not. With what little energy I have, I am tired of being pulled this way and that. I need peace of mind. That totally sounds cliche, but it is so dead-on for me in my current mental and emotional state.
I wish I had to secret to finally being able to let go and letting the fabric of life prevail. I haven't mastered that yet, but at least I feel like I am trying...
So as I often do with a little time off (today is Veteran's day), I will spend time meditating on what that secret might be.
My question is, simply: What is important to Jenny's well-being now?
10.21.2008
nothing....
today i feel nothing. nothing at all. there is no one to talk to, and nothing i can do about it right now. . .
as i sometimes tell my students to do, i am writing about nothing in the hopes that something, anything will come along and inspire me.
perhaps i'll have a more cheery update when i'm feeling that way....but right now, there is nothing.
today i feel nothing. nothing at all. there is no one to talk to, and nothing i can do about it right now. . .
as i sometimes tell my students to do, i am writing about nothing in the hopes that something, anything will come along and inspire me.
perhaps i'll have a more cheery update when i'm feeling that way....but right now, there is nothing.
4.21.2008
breathing: a lost art
well, here i am, 80 days away from my wedding, in the spring of the elementary school year with my fourth grade class, holding down my 3 part-time jobs during the school day.
and oh, yeah, i'm still here. u can't imagine my excitement and stress level right now. as usual, life isn't even having the decency to slow down and happen one thing at a time for little old me. so, i'm juggling it all, like the rest of us all, taking it as it comes.
i am reminded about what my teaching mentor told me in my first year of school - don't take on so much. in the past months, it's been necessary to pick up this thing for the school, add this trip to this place for the wedding, tack on this task right after i'm done with that other thing for afterschool.
problem is, i forgot to put some of this stuff down! i'm carrying too much at once.
so, guess what? i'm off for a week, during which i plan to unload some of the billion things i'm taking on all at once.
it's funny how one can forget to breathe...that simple involuntary task is one that i've been taking for granted lately. i mean, of course i'm heaving air in and out to simply exist in the physiological sense. but, i can't remember the last time i let some fresh air and space into my mind and my life. like still water, my life has been stagnant and stink with the stench of monotony. yet, weirdly enough, everything that's been done is moving us ever closer to July 12, 2008, the day N's life and my life changes forever.
wish me luck in the next five days, as i plunk down some of my burdens and worries on the side of the road and clean mental house.
well, here i am, 80 days away from my wedding, in the spring of the elementary school year with my fourth grade class, holding down my 3 part-time jobs during the school day.
and oh, yeah, i'm still here. u can't imagine my excitement and stress level right now. as usual, life isn't even having the decency to slow down and happen one thing at a time for little old me. so, i'm juggling it all, like the rest of us all, taking it as it comes.
i am reminded about what my teaching mentor told me in my first year of school - don't take on so much. in the past months, it's been necessary to pick up this thing for the school, add this trip to this place for the wedding, tack on this task right after i'm done with that other thing for afterschool.
problem is, i forgot to put some of this stuff down! i'm carrying too much at once.
so, guess what? i'm off for a week, during which i plan to unload some of the billion things i'm taking on all at once.
it's funny how one can forget to breathe...that simple involuntary task is one that i've been taking for granted lately. i mean, of course i'm heaving air in and out to simply exist in the physiological sense. but, i can't remember the last time i let some fresh air and space into my mind and my life. like still water, my life has been stagnant and stink with the stench of monotony. yet, weirdly enough, everything that's been done is moving us ever closer to July 12, 2008, the day N's life and my life changes forever.
wish me luck in the next five days, as i plunk down some of my burdens and worries on the side of the road and clean mental house.
11.25.2007
the update...
well, it (once again) has been quite a grip since i've posted on here. . .
Life right now, is, well, wonderful. With all of the things I have going on (and there's always a lot), I can say that I am truly thankful to have a life so full of love, family and meaning. I realize that there are many who just don't have that. Where do I begin???
...the wedding
planning is going well for the wedding. i mean, damn. we have had 2 years and some change to get all of the details together, haven't we? we are just finishing the process of securing all of the services (except the limousines, flowers and the honeymoon)...all of the rest at this point is feeling like gravy by comparison. i just didn't realize how expensive our little wedding would be! it's hard to remember all of the details, even for a thorough planner like me. who can remember auntie this one and that one or cousin so-and-so and what's-his-face from work for the invitation purposes. so, N and I are deftly straddling that etiquette fence between doing what's expected of all brides and grooms and doing things our way. but, even with all of the costs and the endless array of things to remember and plan for, I am still incredibly jazzed about our big day. we are party people, so you can imagine that this wedding is going to be some shindig!
...the gym
i've been going to the gym with N y'all! it has been great for us to join the Y together. did you know city employees get a discount? i pay 40 bucks/month for myself and N!!! anywho, our Y is a state-of-the-art exercise and activity complex, and there are lots of things to do. with the help of a trainer (free), we do cardiovascular and strength training workouts. i love that the members come in all shapes and sizes....the meat market musclefest element is not there at the Y. everyone is there, honestly trying to achieve some level of fitness...after the wedding i'd like to look into the swimming classes (yeah, i'm one of those city kids who never learned!)....i have been so much more energized since i started going....i have to get my butt in gear and drag it in there, especially after the big Thanksgorging holiday!!!
...the teaching
teaching is wonderful! of course, with any teaching gig, comes the usual causes of my weekly headaches: the shiftless co-worker who's there for a paycheck, that undiagnosed AD/HD kid who just won't sit still during the mini-lesson, and the million and one things to do in one school day. however, this is one time when i can say that they admins are allllllright. i never thought i'd be in a situation like this, but i thank the Creator that i am. one admin is a former co-worker from my first school, and like everything she does, she is no joke at her job. that's one of the main reasons why i wanted to teach at her school--she knows her shit, folks. and, because of that, there are many forces at work in our school. many of my co-workers are threatened by her gender or her race or even her age (she's on the younger side), and that manifests itself in many different ways on our staff. i can't believe the time some folks take in trying to sabotage her for these reasons. if these co-workers spent the time it takes to try and get her in trouble on their own pedagogy, we'd have an all-star cast of teachers. they hate the fact that she really is there for the kids first and foremost. teachers keeping the school from putting the children first---sounds backward, doesn't it? well, the lesson I've learned in education if nothing else, is that you can't make the truths of public education up, however sad and unbelievable they might be...
On another note, I'm fortunate enough to have met some wonderful fellow educators here as well. It also doesn't hurt that my class is relatively small (14 kids!)... I've also been fortunate to have a few extra per-session jobs to help out financially with the wedding...N is being so supportive about it all...he cooks dinner on the nights I come home late, does his and my share of the housework when he knows I'm exhausted. He is already being what I consider a wonderful husband!!!
...the life with N
my life with N is great. i can't imagine where i'd be without him. i have grown so much as a person since we met. we have argued and fought about zillions of things, but there's a strong foundation underneath all of it...and that's what I come back to each time. I recently shared this concept with a girlfriend of mine who is now living with her man. She'd having a hard time adjusting to sharing her space. She finds herself arguing with him about the smallest, though not insignificant things. I shared with her that we argue from time to time, too. However, the difference is that instead of just throwing in the towel, that foundation of love that we have for each other brings me back to a place of sticking with it and making it work. The "fights" are always in some way about us wanting to make happiness possible in every way. We both are continually learning how to communicate better with each other as a result. This love we have has found a home inside both of us, and neither one of us ever wants to let that go...so I'm incredibly happy to be with him.
For now, that's all there is...but it's enough. I have some ideas for the future, but until then, I'm still working, teaching, and loving hard...and enjoying it...
Blessings,
J
well, it (once again) has been quite a grip since i've posted on here. . .
Life right now, is, well, wonderful. With all of the things I have going on (and there's always a lot), I can say that I am truly thankful to have a life so full of love, family and meaning. I realize that there are many who just don't have that. Where do I begin???
...the wedding
planning is going well for the wedding. i mean, damn. we have had 2 years and some change to get all of the details together, haven't we? we are just finishing the process of securing all of the services (except the limousines, flowers and the honeymoon)...all of the rest at this point is feeling like gravy by comparison. i just didn't realize how expensive our little wedding would be! it's hard to remember all of the details, even for a thorough planner like me. who can remember auntie this one and that one or cousin so-and-so and what's-his-face from work for the invitation purposes. so, N and I are deftly straddling that etiquette fence between doing what's expected of all brides and grooms and doing things our way. but, even with all of the costs and the endless array of things to remember and plan for, I am still incredibly jazzed about our big day. we are party people, so you can imagine that this wedding is going to be some shindig!
...the gym
i've been going to the gym with N y'all! it has been great for us to join the Y together. did you know city employees get a discount? i pay 40 bucks/month for myself and N!!! anywho, our Y is a state-of-the-art exercise and activity complex, and there are lots of things to do. with the help of a trainer (free), we do cardiovascular and strength training workouts. i love that the members come in all shapes and sizes....the meat market musclefest element is not there at the Y. everyone is there, honestly trying to achieve some level of fitness...after the wedding i'd like to look into the swimming classes (yeah, i'm one of those city kids who never learned!)....i have been so much more energized since i started going....i have to get my butt in gear and drag it in there, especially after the big Thanksgorging holiday!!!
...the teaching
teaching is wonderful! of course, with any teaching gig, comes the usual causes of my weekly headaches: the shiftless co-worker who's there for a paycheck, that undiagnosed AD/HD kid who just won't sit still during the mini-lesson, and the million and one things to do in one school day. however, this is one time when i can say that they admins are allllllright. i never thought i'd be in a situation like this, but i thank the Creator that i am. one admin is a former co-worker from my first school, and like everything she does, she is no joke at her job. that's one of the main reasons why i wanted to teach at her school--she knows her shit, folks. and, because of that, there are many forces at work in our school. many of my co-workers are threatened by her gender or her race or even her age (she's on the younger side), and that manifests itself in many different ways on our staff. i can't believe the time some folks take in trying to sabotage her for these reasons. if these co-workers spent the time it takes to try and get her in trouble on their own pedagogy, we'd have an all-star cast of teachers. they hate the fact that she really is there for the kids first and foremost. teachers keeping the school from putting the children first---sounds backward, doesn't it? well, the lesson I've learned in education if nothing else, is that you can't make the truths of public education up, however sad and unbelievable they might be...
On another note, I'm fortunate enough to have met some wonderful fellow educators here as well. It also doesn't hurt that my class is relatively small (14 kids!)... I've also been fortunate to have a few extra per-session jobs to help out financially with the wedding...N is being so supportive about it all...he cooks dinner on the nights I come home late, does his and my share of the housework when he knows I'm exhausted. He is already being what I consider a wonderful husband!!!
...the life with N
my life with N is great. i can't imagine where i'd be without him. i have grown so much as a person since we met. we have argued and fought about zillions of things, but there's a strong foundation underneath all of it...and that's what I come back to each time. I recently shared this concept with a girlfriend of mine who is now living with her man. She'd having a hard time adjusting to sharing her space. She finds herself arguing with him about the smallest, though not insignificant things. I shared with her that we argue from time to time, too. However, the difference is that instead of just throwing in the towel, that foundation of love that we have for each other brings me back to a place of sticking with it and making it work. The "fights" are always in some way about us wanting to make happiness possible in every way. We both are continually learning how to communicate better with each other as a result. This love we have has found a home inside both of us, and neither one of us ever wants to let that go...so I'm incredibly happy to be with him.
For now, that's all there is...but it's enough. I have some ideas for the future, but until then, I'm still working, teaching, and loving hard...and enjoying it...
Blessings,
J
9.22.2007
new school year, same stuff...
i just wanted to quickly update my blog. here's the newest information:
i just wanted to quickly update my blog. here's the newest information:
- still engaged to be married getting all of the initial details out of the way this fall (bridal party meets each other, what businesses will be performing what services during the wedding, etc.)
- just started a new school year i'm in brooklyn teaching 4th grade, and i'm working at a friend's school...this is an interesting dynamic which i will report more on later...
- not much else... well, there is...but i'll say more when i can.
6.30.2007
good, but something's missing. . . .
So, i went to the New Edition concert yesterday at the Beacon Theatre here in New York City. KC and JoJo opened for them and everything, y'all!
The concert was good, but there was no Ralph Tresvant and (not surprisingly) no Bobby Brown. As a true NE fan, I have to admit I was saddened to see this. It took me a while to come back around at that concert, people!
Nevertheless, the remaining four (Ronny, Ricky, Mike and Johnny) really gave it their all. Even they were worried about performing with out all of the members, specifically Ralph. But after the crowd cheered them on, they were feeling good about performing. "Damn, y'all making us feel like Ralph and Bobby are here with us!!!" remarked one of the NE members in between sets.
N didn't understand how I felt about the frontman being absent. I mean, every girl who was about 8 or 10 years old when NE hit the scene should know how I feel. I had a little bit of NE Heartbreak for a minute! Aside from that, I paid a hefty price for the tickets and the seats were wonderful! I could make out their faces for once. To not have all of them there made me feel a little jipped!
But, their individual group and solo songs were the smelling salts I needed. I mean, how can a girl not feel better when you've got BBD singing "Tell me when will I see you smile again/'Cause I know I messed up baaayyyybay/And I know you're fed up sugahhh." Johnny came and did his thing with a few of his solo hits as well. I'd never turn down "My, My, My, My, My, My, Myyyyyy/You sure look goood tonight...."
Throw in a little impromptu mini-tribute to Gerald Levert, and you've got a pretty good show.
So, on the morning after, I feel good about having seen one of my favorite groups ever. I hope I can see them altogether again. They're coming out with an album, they said. Maybe I'll get to see them when they go on tour....
So, i went to the New Edition concert yesterday at the Beacon Theatre here in New York City. KC and JoJo opened for them and everything, y'all!
The concert was good, but there was no Ralph Tresvant and (not surprisingly) no Bobby Brown. As a true NE fan, I have to admit I was saddened to see this. It took me a while to come back around at that concert, people!
Nevertheless, the remaining four (Ronny, Ricky, Mike and Johnny) really gave it their all. Even they were worried about performing with out all of the members, specifically Ralph. But after the crowd cheered them on, they were feeling good about performing. "Damn, y'all making us feel like Ralph and Bobby are here with us!!!" remarked one of the NE members in between sets.
N didn't understand how I felt about the frontman being absent. I mean, every girl who was about 8 or 10 years old when NE hit the scene should know how I feel. I had a little bit of NE Heartbreak for a minute! Aside from that, I paid a hefty price for the tickets and the seats were wonderful! I could make out their faces for once. To not have all of them there made me feel a little jipped!
But, their individual group and solo songs were the smelling salts I needed. I mean, how can a girl not feel better when you've got BBD singing "Tell me when will I see you smile again/'Cause I know I messed up baaayyyybay/And I know you're fed up sugahhh." Johnny came and did his thing with a few of his solo hits as well. I'd never turn down "My, My, My, My, My, My, Myyyyyy/You sure look goood tonight...."
Throw in a little impromptu mini-tribute to Gerald Levert, and you've got a pretty good show.
So, on the morning after, I feel good about having seen one of my favorite groups ever. I hope I can see them altogether again. They're coming out with an album, they said. Maybe I'll get to see them when they go on tour....
6.23.2007
a good time was had by all....
So, a lot has happened in two weeks.
My surgery went well, I am happy to report. I have spent the last two weeks recovering. No weird side effects. My follow-up appointment is this Monday, and I expect that he will tell me that everything has healed nicely. The real test will be when my cycle comes around. The pain (or lack thereof) will tell the true tale.
Actually, I have been pushing myself a little bit more physically in these last two weeks. Both N and I have been really active the last few weekends, what with Father's Day, the Jill Scott/Musiq concert, the Cassandra Wilson Central Park Summerstage concert under the stars (awesome because I have a friend who has V.I.P. access), and our regular end-of-the-week "date nights."
This has also been the last two weeks of school, which at my current school means TONS of trips. We've gone to a picnic in the park, a trip to the Museum of Natural History (read: walking, walking, and more walking!). We went to Club Getaway, where we (both students and I) bungee jumped, did the zip line swing between trees, rock climbed and then had the nerve to have a dance party! I finally "chicken noodle souped" for my kids. They lost it!!! :) I honestly think that they think we teachers sleep in the closets at work at the end of the day and come back out in the morning only to teach them.
The graduation and prom were both yesterday as well. It was a wonderful day. There is nothing like having the graduating class at a school. So far, I have helped to orchestrate numerous graduations as a veteran teacher of seniormost students in schools. When I finally saw my kids all together in their caps and gowns, I felt that familiar June tug at my heart. It finally hit me--They're graduates. I have to let my babies go! In fact, my 6th grade is the first class to have started from Kindergarten at the charter school where I work. So, in essence, they really were the first graduating class at the school. And, fittingly enough, to end the graduation, they sang "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now" by McFadden & Whitehead.
So now that it's all over, I sit here in my jammies and my kerchief, thinking about my own fate this summer. I will hopefully be teaching in Brooklyn next year, and I won't be making many trips to Harlem after this week save for my great braid stylist at Turning Heads Salon. As has been the case several years in a row before now, my life and my career will take a new turn when I say goodbye to my colleagues at my current school. Like my graduates, there "ain't no stoppin'" me either from this point on.
I'll keep you updated on my summer as it unfolds....
So, a lot has happened in two weeks.
My surgery went well, I am happy to report. I have spent the last two weeks recovering. No weird side effects. My follow-up appointment is this Monday, and I expect that he will tell me that everything has healed nicely. The real test will be when my cycle comes around. The pain (or lack thereof) will tell the true tale.
Actually, I have been pushing myself a little bit more physically in these last two weeks. Both N and I have been really active the last few weekends, what with Father's Day, the Jill Scott/Musiq concert, the Cassandra Wilson Central Park Summerstage concert under the stars (awesome because I have a friend who has V.I.P. access), and our regular end-of-the-week "date nights."
This has also been the last two weeks of school, which at my current school means TONS of trips. We've gone to a picnic in the park, a trip to the Museum of Natural History (read: walking, walking, and more walking!). We went to Club Getaway, where we (both students and I) bungee jumped, did the zip line swing between trees, rock climbed and then had the nerve to have a dance party! I finally "chicken noodle souped" for my kids. They lost it!!! :) I honestly think that they think we teachers sleep in the closets at work at the end of the day and come back out in the morning only to teach them.
The graduation and prom were both yesterday as well. It was a wonderful day. There is nothing like having the graduating class at a school. So far, I have helped to orchestrate numerous graduations as a veteran teacher of seniormost students in schools. When I finally saw my kids all together in their caps and gowns, I felt that familiar June tug at my heart. It finally hit me--They're graduates. I have to let my babies go! In fact, my 6th grade is the first class to have started from Kindergarten at the charter school where I work. So, in essence, they really were the first graduating class at the school. And, fittingly enough, to end the graduation, they sang "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now" by McFadden & Whitehead.
So now that it's all over, I sit here in my jammies and my kerchief, thinking about my own fate this summer. I will hopefully be teaching in Brooklyn next year, and I won't be making many trips to Harlem after this week save for my great braid stylist at Turning Heads Salon. As has been the case several years in a row before now, my life and my career will take a new turn when I say goodbye to my colleagues at my current school. Like my graduates, there "ain't no stoppin'" me either from this point on.
I'll keep you updated on my summer as it unfolds....
6.07.2007
Here's The Day. . .
Today is the day of my surgery. I am a little nervous, but I know it has to be done. I am thankful that I will have my fiance N (remember him? :) ) at my side all day. I also have my dad coming to pick us up from the hospital later on today. I have a feeling that despite the recovery and "stepping down" time (where they give you juice, a cookie, and ask, "Are you okaaaaaay?"), I will still be a little woozy.
All of this talk of uterine health hearkens my thoughts to my overall health. In presurgical testing, they weigh you, take your blood, your height and ask you all types of questions. A whole litany of questions... Do you smoke, do you drink, do drugs, etc? Any heart conditions, arthritis, cancer, asthma? ... to name a few.
Wow I thought. I don't even have half of these things wrong with me. Aside from a little heartburn and the ongoing saga that is my battle with weight gain, I'm okay. I guess I can at least be thankful that there aren't more health issues to contend with.
N has been a rock throughout the whole thing. He has been there to console me when I've cried (and I've cried a lot about this in these last few weeks), and to reassure me that everything will be fine.
Yet, still in those dark waking hours, when I am awake by myself, the thoughts and fears about today come back. And, I have been able to "talk myself down" from the ledge of the deep end. I've realized over the years that it's in my nature to take everything to the Nth degree, always imagining that worst-case scenario. Having someone very close to me, saying "it'll be okay" helps. Being aware of the behavior and identifying it doesn't hurt either.
It's 7:47 a.m.
4 hours and 13 minutes to go until I go under the knife. I'll be back tomorrow to report the details.
Chill Till Next Time,
J
Today is the day of my surgery. I am a little nervous, but I know it has to be done. I am thankful that I will have my fiance N (remember him? :) ) at my side all day. I also have my dad coming to pick us up from the hospital later on today. I have a feeling that despite the recovery and "stepping down" time (where they give you juice, a cookie, and ask, "Are you okaaaaaay?"), I will still be a little woozy.
All of this talk of uterine health hearkens my thoughts to my overall health. In presurgical testing, they weigh you, take your blood, your height and ask you all types of questions. A whole litany of questions... Do you smoke, do you drink, do drugs, etc? Any heart conditions, arthritis, cancer, asthma? ... to name a few.
Wow I thought. I don't even have half of these things wrong with me. Aside from a little heartburn and the ongoing saga that is my battle with weight gain, I'm okay. I guess I can at least be thankful that there aren't more health issues to contend with.
N has been a rock throughout the whole thing. He has been there to console me when I've cried (and I've cried a lot about this in these last few weeks), and to reassure me that everything will be fine.
Yet, still in those dark waking hours, when I am awake by myself, the thoughts and fears about today come back. And, I have been able to "talk myself down" from the ledge of the deep end. I've realized over the years that it's in my nature to take everything to the Nth degree, always imagining that worst-case scenario. Having someone very close to me, saying "it'll be okay" helps. Being aware of the behavior and identifying it doesn't hurt either.
It's 7:47 a.m.
4 hours and 13 minutes to go until I go under the knife. I'll be back tomorrow to report the details.
Chill Till Next Time,
J
5.15.2007
I'm here...
I am back in New York. I am teaching again. I am about to begin planning my wedding which has been pushed to May 2008. I am in my new apartment which is almost furnished again.
I'm worried that I won't be able to have kids. I went to the doctor, and he found "polyps" in my uterus....I'm worried that if I can't have children, I can kiss my relationship goodbye....it is one of the main reasons we'd like to get married. I don't think not having kids with this man is an option....
Moreover, given the history with my mother (she died of ovarian cancer), I'm worried that this is the start of my journey down the same damned road.
I'm scared...I just wish someone would understand that. If I don't talk to someone about this fast....I feel like I'm going to explode!!!
I am back in New York. I am teaching again. I am about to begin planning my wedding which has been pushed to May 2008. I am in my new apartment which is almost furnished again.
I'm worried that I won't be able to have kids. I went to the doctor, and he found "polyps" in my uterus....I'm worried that if I can't have children, I can kiss my relationship goodbye....it is one of the main reasons we'd like to get married. I don't think not having kids with this man is an option....
Moreover, given the history with my mother (she died of ovarian cancer), I'm worried that this is the start of my journey down the same damned road.
I'm scared...I just wish someone would understand that. If I don't talk to someone about this fast....I feel like I'm going to explode!!!
8.06.2006
depressing...
just feeling like everything i do is becoming a mess. my life feels like it's on a downhill slide. i am doing everything that i can, but i still feel like i'm not doing enough. what else can i do to keep from completely ruining my life further?
i am back in NYC, and that was supposed to make things better. but, it didn't really. i'm just around family and friends who can now witness my depression and downward spiral.
i can't really use PA or my relationship being too clingy as an excuse.
in a city with so many diversions and attractions and things to get into, i am STILL cooped up in an apartment doing nothing to further myself. i'm just here....existing.
how do i stop imprisoning myself? can anybody help me?
just feeling like everything i do is becoming a mess. my life feels like it's on a downhill slide. i am doing everything that i can, but i still feel like i'm not doing enough. what else can i do to keep from completely ruining my life further?
i am back in NYC, and that was supposed to make things better. but, it didn't really. i'm just around family and friends who can now witness my depression and downward spiral.
i can't really use PA or my relationship being too clingy as an excuse.
in a city with so many diversions and attractions and things to get into, i am STILL cooped up in an apartment doing nothing to further myself. i'm just here....existing.
how do i stop imprisoning myself? can anybody help me?
2.28.2006
isn't it ironic? don't ya think?
for a good chunk of February, i have been sick: yacking up things unimaginable or long since forgotten, sneezing, coughing and the final straw: i have lost my voice.
i haven't been able to talk to anyone about anything, without using hand signals or getting at least one "whadjya say?" thrown into the conversational mix. I mean, it's about an octave higher than that of Mickey Mouse for Christ's sake.
i just hope it's not bronchitis again. i had it about a year ago this time, and it's horrible! it feels like somebody is sitting on your chest, and there's a cough, an annoying cough.
ANYWAY, let me stop because i could go on and on and on about how bad i feel. . .but i'll spare you the details...it's one of those "ya had to be there" moments anyway.
my relationship however has reached a new level....even though we're engaged to be married and have been since august 2005. and, i thought that we couldn't get any more committed than that. engagement is the top rung of the relationship ladder, ain't it? i was wrong. for some reason that defies any explanation i could rightly give, N and i are closer than ever, "talking" about things we never have before.
since N and I have been engaged, we have had some of our most memorable and loving moments. it has also, however, been peppered with some of the ugliest and most bitter fights we've ever had. it was just about a 10:5 ratio.
for every kind thing we said to each other, there was a snarky, smart-assed comment from me or a thoughtless aloof action from him.
but since Valentine's Day, we've been talking more. the more of my voice i lost, the more we communicated. and finally on sunday, when my voice reached it's lowest point (aka no voice whatsoever), N and i had a breakthrough. i told him things that no one knows about me. i expressed my fears and my frustrations in a way that he totally got. he told me things too. things i had never heard him say aloud. hey, maybe he has said them, but i just wasn't listening? distracted by the sound of my own thoughts. my own feelings and opinions. my voice.
by some twist of fate (or by working around germy kids all day--you take your pick here), losing my voice helped me to really hear the man i love completely for the first time. it's showing me that i always knew anyway--communicating love to someone resonates more when it's beyond just talk.
for a good chunk of February, i have been sick: yacking up things unimaginable or long since forgotten, sneezing, coughing and the final straw: i have lost my voice.
i haven't been able to talk to anyone about anything, without using hand signals or getting at least one "whadjya say?" thrown into the conversational mix. I mean, it's about an octave higher than that of Mickey Mouse for Christ's sake.
i just hope it's not bronchitis again. i had it about a year ago this time, and it's horrible! it feels like somebody is sitting on your chest, and there's a cough, an annoying cough.
ANYWAY, let me stop because i could go on and on and on about how bad i feel. . .but i'll spare you the details...it's one of those "ya had to be there" moments anyway.
my relationship however has reached a new level....even though we're engaged to be married and have been since august 2005. and, i thought that we couldn't get any more committed than that. engagement is the top rung of the relationship ladder, ain't it? i was wrong. for some reason that defies any explanation i could rightly give, N and i are closer than ever, "talking" about things we never have before.
since N and I have been engaged, we have had some of our most memorable and loving moments. it has also, however, been peppered with some of the ugliest and most bitter fights we've ever had. it was just about a 10:5 ratio.
for every kind thing we said to each other, there was a snarky, smart-assed comment from me or a thoughtless aloof action from him.
but since Valentine's Day, we've been talking more. the more of my voice i lost, the more we communicated. and finally on sunday, when my voice reached it's lowest point (aka no voice whatsoever), N and i had a breakthrough. i told him things that no one knows about me. i expressed my fears and my frustrations in a way that he totally got. he told me things too. things i had never heard him say aloud. hey, maybe he has said them, but i just wasn't listening? distracted by the sound of my own thoughts. my own feelings and opinions. my voice.
i have been doing a lot more listening now that my physical voice is quieted. because i have no voice, i have to whisper. N has been whispering right along with me, purely out of conditioning i suppose (try talking to someone who is whispering to you....and you'll see what i mean). but on a more tacit level, he has calmed down in his demeanor. he is more thoughtful in the words he is using with me. his actions have purpose. his every move, pregnant with meaning... there's something almost zen about it all.
by some twist of fate (or by working around germy kids all day--you take your pick here), losing my voice helped me to really hear the man i love completely for the first time. it's showing me that i always knew anyway--communicating love to someone resonates more when it's beyond just talk.
1.20.2006
clear...sad, but clear.....
so....with the new year, as always, i get revelations on the true nature of this world, and the people in it. yet i, like a do-do, continue to ignore all of the signs.
what do you do when you're in a "situation," and there's really not much you can do about it? i will wait. bide my time, and wait it out.
i have been making some changes so far, for the good. they finally know who i am here in PA. that's a good thing i guess. it'll make my life a little more bearable. i have finally let go of NYC as my home. PA is my home now. why does that make me sad?
i learned that my job is a situation that i don't want to be in. i love teaching, and i miss it so much. i am most happy when i am interacting with the children. the adults, are a bunch of idiots, save for a few guided souls who are living examined lives. thank god for them. i'd go crazy otherwise, you know? you need that person you can turn to and say, "is it just me or....."
my living situation is, well, not. i can't honestly call what i am doing, living. i see life around me, and this ain't it. i have let my life deteriorate since i left nyc. can't blame it on the surroundings...i've had opportunities to live....i just haven't taken them. i've been living someone else's life. my friends here have made numerous attempts at helping me get into the social scene here. and i, stuck in a rut, say, "no, i have to go home." to do what? damn if i know what i've been doing with the last six months of my life.
i have serious weight issues....even more serious than i neurosied about in the past. i am at an all-time-high weight of 235 pounds. That would be cool if i were 6 feet 6 inches....but damn my short parents (they always get blamed, huh?)!!!! I'm only 5'4". Yes, i'm short and quite round. my knees hurt, my back aches, and heartburn is a daily battle for me. i huff and puff when i hit only a few flights of stairs....i'm a veritable beast! i have a year and 4 months to turn it around...hopefully in a healthy way...
so, yeah, things are clear...sad, but clear. things are out of control.
well, at least i made a little progress. i went to the dmv to get my pic taken for my ID today (damn i look like a pudgy mess in that pic!). "you wanna take it again ma'am or you want this pic?," said the wheelchair-bound dmv employee. he was kinder than any dmv folk i ever came across.. but the mortified look on my face would have told him that i wanted neither, even if i hadn't choked out an "it's fine," at the sight of the pic. Ay! that pic! it's akin only to the proverbial "buried neck high in sh*t, with a pail of snot or vice versa..." i couldn't win either way today....
like i said tho, i made a little progress. at least it's done....that's a major accomplishment for a procrastinator like me...
so....with the new year, as always, i get revelations on the true nature of this world, and the people in it. yet i, like a do-do, continue to ignore all of the signs.
what do you do when you're in a "situation," and there's really not much you can do about it? i will wait. bide my time, and wait it out.
i have been making some changes so far, for the good. they finally know who i am here in PA. that's a good thing i guess. it'll make my life a little more bearable. i have finally let go of NYC as my home. PA is my home now. why does that make me sad?
i learned that my job is a situation that i don't want to be in. i love teaching, and i miss it so much. i am most happy when i am interacting with the children. the adults, are a bunch of idiots, save for a few guided souls who are living examined lives. thank god for them. i'd go crazy otherwise, you know? you need that person you can turn to and say, "is it just me or....."
my living situation is, well, not. i can't honestly call what i am doing, living. i see life around me, and this ain't it. i have let my life deteriorate since i left nyc. can't blame it on the surroundings...i've had opportunities to live....i just haven't taken them. i've been living someone else's life. my friends here have made numerous attempts at helping me get into the social scene here. and i, stuck in a rut, say, "no, i have to go home." to do what? damn if i know what i've been doing with the last six months of my life.
i have serious weight issues....even more serious than i neurosied about in the past. i am at an all-time-high weight of 235 pounds. That would be cool if i were 6 feet 6 inches....but damn my short parents (they always get blamed, huh?)!!!! I'm only 5'4". Yes, i'm short and quite round. my knees hurt, my back aches, and heartburn is a daily battle for me. i huff and puff when i hit only a few flights of stairs....i'm a veritable beast! i have a year and 4 months to turn it around...hopefully in a healthy way...
so, yeah, things are clear...sad, but clear. things are out of control.
well, at least i made a little progress. i went to the dmv to get my pic taken for my ID today (damn i look like a pudgy mess in that pic!). "you wanna take it again ma'am or you want this pic?," said the wheelchair-bound dmv employee. he was kinder than any dmv folk i ever came across.. but the mortified look on my face would have told him that i wanted neither, even if i hadn't choked out an "it's fine," at the sight of the pic. Ay! that pic! it's akin only to the proverbial "buried neck high in sh*t, with a pail of snot or vice versa..." i couldn't win either way today....
like i said tho, i made a little progress. at least it's done....that's a major accomplishment for a procrastinator like me...
12.22.2005
12.15.2005
so, i says, "mabel..."
i get a call from my dad the other day to tell me that he has an announcement to make at his girlfriend's "holiday" party this Saturday.
i wish i could lie and say i wonder what it will be. i think he's going to marry her. but why am i pissed? shouldn't i be happy like i've been saying all along about their relationship? there i go being human again, because damn if i didn't feel betrayed, crying into my fiance's arms. what's my problem?
is she trying to be my mother? no. but i still feel like he's casting her aside for this, this "woman." it's confusing. i can remember being happy that they were together....i want daddy to be happy. but...i don't like her.
did i even give her a chance? ever? really?
i'll find out on Saturday. yeah, i started not to go because i didn't want to hear it. but that's childish, and i know it. i can be a big girl and withstand some holiday cheer for a few hours in Cherry Hill. ugh.
Creator help me!
i get a call from my dad the other day to tell me that he has an announcement to make at his girlfriend's "holiday" party this Saturday.
i wish i could lie and say i wonder what it will be. i think he's going to marry her. but why am i pissed? shouldn't i be happy like i've been saying all along about their relationship? there i go being human again, because damn if i didn't feel betrayed, crying into my fiance's arms. what's my problem?
is she trying to be my mother? no. but i still feel like he's casting her aside for this, this "woman." it's confusing. i can remember being happy that they were together....i want daddy to be happy. but...i don't like her.
did i even give her a chance? ever? really?
i'll find out on Saturday. yeah, i started not to go because i didn't want to hear it. but that's childish, and i know it. i can be a big girl and withstand some holiday cheer for a few hours in Cherry Hill. ugh.
Creator help me!
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