On Reclaiming Jenny....

Deadbeat was not part of the description I had for my life back in the day.

Facebook is fantastic in the way that it helps you connect with people you knew way back when. But, it's also helped me to connect back with parts of myself that I miss. Yep. Something is missing from my life nowadays. I don't know how I got here. But, I want me back! I miss the Jenny I once was.

Since when did I become the aunt, cousin or friend no one could count on hearing from or seeing? That has to change.

It's time for me to reconnect. I smell a move in my near future, and I want these people to know how much I love them...not just by what I say, but what I do.

I have a bad habit of making one thing my life. In essence, of hiding from certain parts of my life. And, that, my friends, is what is stifling me now. Not any one person or event. But hiding is doing it. And, the letting in of anything others throw my way as well. Just accepting what's around is, well, unacceptable!

I still love teaching, and I almost let people and the situations around me take that away from me. I love the start of the school year. I love feeling ready to meet my new class. I love getting to know them and their parents. I love teaching them and telling them about all of the fun things we'll be doing throughout the school year together.

But there are other things I want to do with my life besides teach. It was never my intention to stay stuck in education. It was always to be the backup to whatever I had happening at the forefront. So, my plan has gotten some revising in the last week...to match my true passions and to match the new addition to my life--Alyssa.

Things I Have to Reclaim:
1) Integrity - doing the things I say I will. Sticking by my decisions, the ones that are really mine.

2) Truth - being committed to what the truth of a situation is; stop rationalizing what I want to see, do or have happen.

3) Fun/spirit - i want to reclaim the fun side of me. do the things that feed my spirit, even if it's just a little bit every day

4) My own dreams for myself - some of these i've killed off because of one thing or another that i've let someone say or do to me. i've given others (certain others too much control). time to take it back.

Things to Let Go:
1) Doubt/Fear - of everything and anything that is keeping me from living the life I truly deserve.

2) Anger - especially about things, people and situations I cannot control. this is a big one, and I'll need to pray for guidance and meditate extensively about this one.

3) Other people's expectations of me - I have to do what will initially make me happy, even if others don't understand or approve. I have spent lots of time doing what others think is the best for me, but not what I truly want and my spirit needs. That's why my spirit is suffering the way it is right now.

4) Negativity - this sometimes ends up feeling like ALWAYS taking the moral high ground, but it's more. I used to really stand up for the things I believed in, and in some ways I don't do that any more. I retreated to a corner with some mere scraps of my scruples, like a wounded animal, ready to pounce on anyone trying to take what's left of me.

I also need to learn to let go. No, that's wrong. I know how to let go. I need to pry open my fingers (all of them) and do it, no matter how scary it might seem.