Whoa. Four Years.
It has been so long, and so much has happened.
New material will be coming soon.
2.13.2017
Turning the Corner
I’ve decided:
Life is too damned short – I should be enjoying it
more! Right now I’m not working: I fell ill working at a stressful job. Being
incapacitated like that really made me think! I can no longer bend over
backwards for things and people not willing to feed my spirit and energy!
I miss having fun, and now, I fear that I’m in
danger of dragging my daughters down with me if I don’t start to enjoy more.
Even though my little mamas enjoy every situation as much as possible, we need
to get out and have fun a lot more.
Taking this break has afforded me the time and
breathing room it takes to look carefully at my life. What am I doing? How am I
spending my time? How am I wasting it? What I saw, surprises and saddens me.
And, I’ve got work to do. Here are some thoughts:
Be Brave: I’ve spent years being afraid to pursue things and take risks. Why? I’m not sure. Afraid to fail, I suppose. Or, afraid to do well??? It reminds me of Marianne Williamson’s words,
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”
Be You, FOR you: Part of this fear comes from a need to have the approval of others. Meanwhile, these “others” are doing everything and anything they want. Why limit myself? Perhaps that is why the energy around me as of late seems so stale, stagnant…stuck. You really do attract what you exude. So, if I want to attract a different, fresher energy, I must need to be who I really am, without apology.
Bless and Release: A while back, my teaching mentor once said to me, “Sometimes you have to love people and situations from afar. You’ve got to bless them on their journey, and then release them to it.” This is a tough one. I’m not good at letting go.
Maybe it’s because I lost my mom
relatively early in life (I was 19 when she died of cancer). Even though I was
practically an adult, I still wasn’t ready to let her go when she did. I don’t
believe anyone who loses a parent is ever really
ready to let them go. Somehow, though, I thought that she’d be here forever. As
hard as my mom fought, she didn’t survive. She’s gone. And ever since then, I
have been holding everyone and everything close to me literally for dear life, afraid to lose anything else I love. Maybe
too close. I have been holding onto so much for the past 22 years, I’m running
out of room in these arms of mine. I can embrace anything new, because I’m so
busy holding on to old relationships, feelings, ideas, ways of thinking…
It’s
time for me to put some shit down.
“Bag Lady, you gon’ hurt your back, draggin’ all them bags like that. I guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold onto, is you, is you…”
-Erykah Badu, "Bag Lady"
What
do I really need to be well, to feel well, and to be happy? I need to be able
to sit with life and be at peace in that moment without feeling like I’m
spinning out of control, running around here like a headless chicken, trying to
keep up with it all.
Live simply. This is another tough one. I’m still working out what this might look like in my life. I’ve decided to start with something I love to do: eat. I’m currently on the path of simplicity in my food that I consume. Now, I NEED to let y’all know, I am nowhere near all the way there. I still love sweets and my complex carbs too much to let go just yet. But the intention is there. I’m trying to get better at acting on it.
My living space can maybe
be next. Getting rid of clutter is always a monumental task in this house. I am
a teacher and the child of a clever pack rat. The hoarding force is strong with
me! However, I try in the process of clearing to remember how good it will feel
in my space, once I get rid of the clutter. Perhaps that will be the way to go.
So, No, I don’t have it totally figured out by any
means. I am making this first step, writing it down with right intentions, so
that I can see it someplace, and refer back to it, especially when life gets
hairy and I start losing my way in the thick of it.
Wish me luck!
Oh, and I’m leaving this second part
of that wonderful Marianne Williamson quote, so that I can feel heartened when
I see this again. I hope you enjoy it, too:
“We
ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child
of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around
you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in
everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence
automatically liberates others.”
‘Til Next Time,
Jaye
2.10.2017
Ditching the Boxes
It's been too, too, too long, folks. Almost five years to be exact. Why?
Life. That's why. Stuff happens: adulting, working, raising kids, Facebooking, Tweeting, Pinterest, etc.
However, now that I have the time to do it, I can update. Every day.
As always, this is going to be VERY therapeutic for me. Writing always has been my passion, my joy, my release, even though I've been treating it like a red-headed stepchild lately.
Straight Zombie Mode
Facebook and Twitter are addicting and too much fun, I can't lie. It's hard to resist the endless supply of immediate titillation.
However, real writers know: Writing in within boxes and character limits is confining in more ways than one. I catch myself trying to be clever, witty and succinct all within the teeny-weeny space and character limits supplied. I struggle daily to say something that will get a reaction (happy, sad, angry, wow, haha is all we get to feel according to Facebook) from one of your bazillion friends' fleeting and ever-dwindling attention span. We're all on there, flailing through the muck, as we scroll through soupy liquid of bells, whistles, giphys, listicles, memes, videos, goofy quizzes....
All of this stuff is supposedly what I want to see and hear, at least according to my click-through habits. It's creepy the way they know I was eyeing that monster-sized box of Cheez-Its for my daughters' lunch boxes or the gorgeous A-line, custom-tailored dress on eShakti....
Very 1984ish, indeed.
With ALL of this time I have on my hands (I'll get to that a little later here), I have been on Facebook every single day...checking on my friends and my "friends" lives (y'all know there's a difference), trying to interact electronically from my home office, laughing, cussing, guffawing out loud in my otherwise quiet home. Now that I think about it, in this whole scene I must really look happy, sad, angry, wow, haha all at once.
Regardless of the optics, I feel innately compelled to express more. More than the blips, blinks, "LOLs," "ICYMIs" of communication...I need to stretch, and relieve that cramp to my never-ending stream of thought-to-written consciousness.
I need to be free!
I have more to say, and "Accurate," "Yup", and fire emoji isn't cutting it for me anymore.
That freedom breaking out in other areas too.
Career: A Shift
I'm taking a break from teaching for now. It is time for me to finally admit that teaching, full-time, is not something that is meant for me anymore. I will always be a teacher. However, I've got to explore different ways to teach now, different settings. It can't be my main gig. Teaching demands SO MUCH TIME and ENERGY. I have colleagues and friends who do it, and I love them for it and it for them for that matter. I have though, arrived at the realization, that I'm just not cut from that cloth.
At my last assignment, I was working anywhere 12 to 16 hours a day, with only 8 of those spent with students teaching. The remaining 4 to 8 hours were spent writing and editing lessons, organizing (and re-organizing) the classroom, hanging work up, taking work down, calling parents with great and no-so-great news, cleaning, meetings with supervisors and colleagues that couldn't take place in our lightning-speed school day, grading and a myriad of other duties and responsibilities.
After several months of this, I was burning out, folks! I expressed this to my dean and principal, only to be told that I should be doing even more. How? When? With a husband, father of a certain older age, and two daughters in primary (Grades Kindergarten and 2), WTF are they talking about?
"Make work your refuge from home." they said.
No, thanks. HOME is my refuge. And it always will be. When it comes to "otherness" and my family, the latter will always come first.
No One-Trick Pony
My whole approach to a career needs to look different. I can't just do one thing. It seems like a waste. I need the freedom to move around, not being bound my one all-encompassing elephant-in-the-tiny-ass-room job.
What I do is not WHO I am. It can never be, and if you know me, you know that's not how I rock.
I cannot be bound to only one thing for long. I need to be free, having a constant stream or flow of information, things, people, and ideas. I crave the ability to float from place to place, in and out, always moving to what I need to fully support who I am. Why limit my life's work to one particular way?
I am a mom of two of the greatest little girls I know.
I am a wife of N (remember him?) for 8 years now.
I am a daughter to a great man who is in the winter of his life right now.
I am and I always will be a teacher. But I am also a writer, a skill and passion I have been neglecting.
Thankfully, like great friendships, I can pick up where I left off, and it feels in part the same way I remember it.
As I make room, I hope to post more often, and I hope you'll join me....
'Til Next Time,
J
Life. That's why. Stuff happens: adulting, working, raising kids, Facebooking, Tweeting, Pinterest, etc.
However, now that I have the time to do it, I can update. Every day.
As always, this is going to be VERY therapeutic for me. Writing always has been my passion, my joy, my release, even though I've been treating it like a red-headed stepchild lately.
Straight Zombie Mode
Facebook and Twitter are addicting and too much fun, I can't lie. It's hard to resist the endless supply of immediate titillation.
However, real writers know: Writing in within boxes and character limits is confining in more ways than one. I catch myself trying to be clever, witty and succinct all within the teeny-weeny space and character limits supplied. I struggle daily to say something that will get a reaction (happy, sad, angry, wow, haha is all we get to feel according to Facebook) from one of your bazillion friends' fleeting and ever-dwindling attention span. We're all on there, flailing through the muck, as we scroll through soupy liquid of bells, whistles, giphys, listicles, memes, videos, goofy quizzes....
All of this stuff is supposedly what I want to see and hear, at least according to my click-through habits. It's creepy the way they know I was eyeing that monster-sized box of Cheez-Its for my daughters' lunch boxes or the gorgeous A-line, custom-tailored dress on eShakti....
Very 1984ish, indeed.
With ALL of this time I have on my hands (I'll get to that a little later here), I have been on Facebook every single day...checking on my friends and my "friends" lives (y'all know there's a difference), trying to interact electronically from my home office, laughing, cussing, guffawing out loud in my otherwise quiet home. Now that I think about it, in this whole scene I must really look happy, sad, angry, wow, haha all at once.
Regardless of the optics, I feel innately compelled to express more. More than the blips, blinks, "LOLs," "ICYMIs" of communication...I need to stretch, and relieve that cramp to my never-ending stream of thought-to-written consciousness.
I need to be free!
I have more to say, and "Accurate," "Yup", and fire emoji isn't cutting it for me anymore.
That freedom breaking out in other areas too.
Career: A Shift
I'm taking a break from teaching for now. It is time for me to finally admit that teaching, full-time, is not something that is meant for me anymore. I will always be a teacher. However, I've got to explore different ways to teach now, different settings. It can't be my main gig. Teaching demands SO MUCH TIME and ENERGY. I have colleagues and friends who do it, and I love them for it and it for them for that matter. I have though, arrived at the realization, that I'm just not cut from that cloth.
At my last assignment, I was working anywhere 12 to 16 hours a day, with only 8 of those spent with students teaching. The remaining 4 to 8 hours were spent writing and editing lessons, organizing (and re-organizing) the classroom, hanging work up, taking work down, calling parents with great and no-so-great news, cleaning, meetings with supervisors and colleagues that couldn't take place in our lightning-speed school day, grading and a myriad of other duties and responsibilities.
After several months of this, I was burning out, folks! I expressed this to my dean and principal, only to be told that I should be doing even more. How? When? With a husband, father of a certain older age, and two daughters in primary (Grades Kindergarten and 2), WTF are they talking about?
"Make work your refuge from home." they said.
No, thanks. HOME is my refuge. And it always will be. When it comes to "otherness" and my family, the latter will always come first.
No One-Trick Pony
My whole approach to a career needs to look different. I can't just do one thing. It seems like a waste. I need the freedom to move around, not being bound my one all-encompassing elephant-in-the-tiny-ass-room job.
What I do is not WHO I am. It can never be, and if you know me, you know that's not how I rock.
I cannot be bound to only one thing for long. I need to be free, having a constant stream or flow of information, things, people, and ideas. I crave the ability to float from place to place, in and out, always moving to what I need to fully support who I am. Why limit my life's work to one particular way?
I am a mom of two of the greatest little girls I know.
I am a wife of N (remember him?) for 8 years now.
I am a daughter to a great man who is in the winter of his life right now.
I am and I always will be a teacher. But I am also a writer, a skill and passion I have been neglecting.
Thankfully, like great friendships, I can pick up where I left off, and it feels in part the same way I remember it.
As I make room, I hope to post more often, and I hope you'll join me....
'Til Next Time,
J
4.12.2012
Remember Me?
I have been so incredibly busy that I have not posted on here in a long, long time.
My life has been occupied by two of the most adorable little girls I could ever wish for. I have also been searching for a new job.
I am at the point where I am closing certain chapters of my life, and opening new ones.
1) I am done having kids. I love my little munchkins so much. However, I'm 37. The baby factory is now shutting down for good. My hubby and I have decided not to have any more. And, I couldn't ask for more than I have in them right now. They are wonderful! They are all the kids I need in life.
2) I am ready to move up in my career. I have spent the last year not working, due in part to the birth of my second daughter. The other half of that was that the school where I worked decided to change my position into something else, so they (and I) determined that it would no longer be "a good fit". So, I have had lots of time to consider that age-old question (especially in my life): What's Next?
3) To go forward, I have to go back. Sounds strange, but it is perfect for me. I have to get back to the good and positive things I was involved in and associated with. As with many wives and mommies, I am drowning in my roles as such. There is no Jenny from before. I am ready to be Jenny, 2.0. I need to upgrade every aspect of my life from random chick to a grown-ass woman making grown-ass choices and decisions. This is the biggie. This is the one I have been spending much of my time on as of late. It's important. I need the upheaval that will come with this.
4) Knowing my role, and yours too. Not everyone is meant to come with you on every step of your journey in life. I am still, still, still learning this one. I have had a couple of close friends die, recently. I have killed off a couple of so-called friendships. But most importantly, I see that some relationships are meant to just ebb and flow, wafting in and out of your life as the need arises. That is my role for some. I have decided to just pick and choose who I want as the mainstays. And, conversely, who can just....go.
So, now that I've gotten that off my chest, expect to be blogging more and more in the coming weeks and months. I miss the catharsis that writing brings. . .
Til Next Time,
J
I have been so incredibly busy that I have not posted on here in a long, long time.My life has been occupied by two of the most adorable little girls I could ever wish for. I have also been searching for a new job.
I am at the point where I am closing certain chapters of my life, and opening new ones.
1) I am done having kids. I love my little munchkins so much. However, I'm 37. The baby factory is now shutting down for good. My hubby and I have decided not to have any more. And, I couldn't ask for more than I have in them right now. They are wonderful! They are all the kids I need in life.
2) I am ready to move up in my career. I have spent the last year not working, due in part to the birth of my second daughter. The other half of that was that the school where I worked decided to change my position into something else, so they (and I) determined that it would no longer be "a good fit". So, I have had lots of time to consider that age-old question (especially in my life): What's Next?
3) To go forward, I have to go back. Sounds strange, but it is perfect for me. I have to get back to the good and positive things I was involved in and associated with. As with many wives and mommies, I am drowning in my roles as such. There is no Jenny from before. I am ready to be Jenny, 2.0. I need to upgrade every aspect of my life from random chick to a grown-ass woman making grown-ass choices and decisions. This is the biggie. This is the one I have been spending much of my time on as of late. It's important. I need the upheaval that will come with this.
4) Knowing my role, and yours too. Not everyone is meant to come with you on every step of your journey in life. I am still, still, still learning this one. I have had a couple of close friends die, recently. I have killed off a couple of so-called friendships. But most importantly, I see that some relationships are meant to just ebb and flow, wafting in and out of your life as the need arises. That is my role for some. I have decided to just pick and choose who I want as the mainstays. And, conversely, who can just....go.
So, now that I've gotten that off my chest, expect to be blogging more and more in the coming weeks and months. I miss the catharsis that writing brings. . .
Til Next Time,
J
8.29.2009
On Reclaiming Jenny....
Deadbeat was not part of the description I had for my life back in the day.
Facebook is fantastic in the way that it helps you connect with people you knew way back when. But, it's also helped me to connect back with parts of myself that I miss. Yep. Something is missing from my life nowadays. I don't know how I got here. But, I want me back! I miss the Jenny I once was.
Since when did I become the aunt, cousin or friend no one could count on hearing from or seeing? That has to change.
It's time for me to reconnect. I smell a move in my near future, and I want these people to know how much I love them...not just by what I say, but what I do.
I have a bad habit of making one thing my life. In essence, of hiding from certain parts of my life. And, that, my friends, is what is stifling me now. Not any one person or event. But hiding is doing it. And, the letting in of anything others throw my way as well. Just accepting what's around is, well, unacceptable!
I still love teaching, and I almost let people and the situations around me take that away from me. I love the start of the school year. I love feeling ready to meet my new class. I love getting to know them and their parents. I love teaching them and telling them about all of the fun things we'll be doing throughout the school year together.
But there are other things I want to do with my life besides teach. It was never my intention to stay stuck in education. It was always to be the backup to whatever I had happening at the forefront. So, my plan has gotten some revising in the last week...to match my true passions and to match the new addition to my life--Alyssa.
Things I Have to Reclaim:
1) Integrity - doing the things I say I will. Sticking by my decisions, the ones that are really mine.
2) Truth - being committed to what the truth of a situation is; stop rationalizing what I want to see, do or have happen.
3) Fun/spirit - i want to reclaim the fun side of me. do the things that feed my spirit, even if it's just a little bit every day
4) My own dreams for myself - some of these i've killed off because of one thing or another that i've let someone say or do to me. i've given others (certain others too much control). time to take it back.
Things to Let Go:
1) Doubt/Fear - of everything and anything that is keeping me from living the life I truly deserve.
2) Anger - especially about things, people and situations I cannot control. this is a big one, and I'll need to pray for guidance and meditate extensively about this one.
3) Other people's expectations of me - I have to do what will initially make me happy, even if others don't understand or approve. I have spent lots of time doing what others think is the best for me, but not what I truly want and my spirit needs. That's why my spirit is suffering the way it is right now.
4) Negativity - this sometimes ends up feeling like ALWAYS taking the moral high ground, but it's more. I used to really stand up for the things I believed in, and in some ways I don't do that any more. I retreated to a corner with some mere scraps of my scruples, like a wounded animal, ready to pounce on anyone trying to take what's left of me.
I also need to learn to let go. No, that's wrong. I know how to let go. I need to pry open my fingers (all of them) and do it, no matter how scary it might seem.
Deadbeat was not part of the description I had for my life back in the day.
Facebook is fantastic in the way that it helps you connect with people you knew way back when. But, it's also helped me to connect back with parts of myself that I miss. Yep. Something is missing from my life nowadays. I don't know how I got here. But, I want me back! I miss the Jenny I once was.
Since when did I become the aunt, cousin or friend no one could count on hearing from or seeing? That has to change.
It's time for me to reconnect. I smell a move in my near future, and I want these people to know how much I love them...not just by what I say, but what I do.
I have a bad habit of making one thing my life. In essence, of hiding from certain parts of my life. And, that, my friends, is what is stifling me now. Not any one person or event. But hiding is doing it. And, the letting in of anything others throw my way as well. Just accepting what's around is, well, unacceptable!
I still love teaching, and I almost let people and the situations around me take that away from me. I love the start of the school year. I love feeling ready to meet my new class. I love getting to know them and their parents. I love teaching them and telling them about all of the fun things we'll be doing throughout the school year together.
But there are other things I want to do with my life besides teach. It was never my intention to stay stuck in education. It was always to be the backup to whatever I had happening at the forefront. So, my plan has gotten some revising in the last week...to match my true passions and to match the new addition to my life--Alyssa.
Things I Have to Reclaim:
1) Integrity - doing the things I say I will. Sticking by my decisions, the ones that are really mine.
2) Truth - being committed to what the truth of a situation is; stop rationalizing what I want to see, do or have happen.
3) Fun/spirit - i want to reclaim the fun side of me. do the things that feed my spirit, even if it's just a little bit every day
4) My own dreams for myself - some of these i've killed off because of one thing or another that i've let someone say or do to me. i've given others (certain others too much control). time to take it back.
Things to Let Go:
1) Doubt/Fear - of everything and anything that is keeping me from living the life I truly deserve.
2) Anger - especially about things, people and situations I cannot control. this is a big one, and I'll need to pray for guidance and meditate extensively about this one.
3) Other people's expectations of me - I have to do what will initially make me happy, even if others don't understand or approve. I have spent lots of time doing what others think is the best for me, but not what I truly want and my spirit needs. That's why my spirit is suffering the way it is right now.
4) Negativity - this sometimes ends up feeling like ALWAYS taking the moral high ground, but it's more. I used to really stand up for the things I believed in, and in some ways I don't do that any more. I retreated to a corner with some mere scraps of my scruples, like a wounded animal, ready to pounce on anyone trying to take what's left of me.
I also need to learn to let go. No, that's wrong. I know how to let go. I need to pry open my fingers (all of them) and do it, no matter how scary it might seem.
8.03.2009
The Art of Doing
Hello blogheads! It's been ages as usual. The following post is one I dug up recently as I was updating my teaching portfolio. It's interesting that many of the things I wrote about then are just as relevant 7 years later.
It's one of the cornerstones of why I teach....enjoy!
Losing the Art of Doing
Has our fast-food/microwave society robbed us of the steps to gratefulness?
Written May 27, 2002
By Jenny Kinscy
No one knows how to do anything anymore. Heaven forbid we have a technology meltdown, what will we do then??? Who will survive?
Make no mistake: technology is an important component to many aspects of our lives. The advances in technology have replaced the need for many of the processes that would take us time to complete. We can talk to people through our computers instead of writing letters. We can buy our clothes, food and entertainment ready-made without the fuss of doing anything ourselves. Some of us can even hire other people to do the “tedious work” like laundry, cleaning, tending to our children to avoid doing it ourselves. This, I believe is bringing us to lopsided lives, in which we are no longer really involved. We don’t bring anything to our lives anymore. Many of us sit and wait for life to come to us as a result. We as a society have worked to obliterate the processes that involve us in life. We have wiped out the steps we follow to do things to make life more expedient. But in doing so, we lose a great deal of purpose and appreciation for what we obtain. Our lives are imbalanced.
Today most people want everything “right now,” without putting any work into getting the things they want. If there is an easier shortcut to doing something or attaining something, most people will take it.
As a result—and as with many things-- our children are following our lead. Pop culture is churning out fame at an instantaneous speed. Celebrities, advertisements, images of public figures and stories we hear all associate fast with good, while dangerously sloughing over taking any steps to get to that fame. So, our society is producing people, adults and children, who are more focused on the destination than the journey in getting there.
My father and I sat in his living room one night, digging out old family relics from the storage room. He and I reminisced over pictures of aunts, grandma, and other relatives. We laughed and refreshed each others memories while dusting off my old grade school report cards, awards, and even some third grade art work.
After more searching through our storage bins, I found an old JC Penney catalog, from 1976. Amazed that we still had it, I began thumbing through the catalog. I flipped past so many pages filled with dress patterns, young girls knitting, and other craft supplies. For a moment I thought about how different the contents were compared to the catalogs we get now. As my father and I talked, I realized that kids today are not focused on these kinds of crafts or the skills they help build.
But my ideal is about more than learning a trade or hobby. The “Art of Doing” is in direct relation to the “Art of Truly Being” in my opinion. Are we just sitting here, following some script of things we’re supposed to do before we die? How boring! There has to be more to life than that. How many of us can or do really look at ourselves outside of our roles in life to see what's there? Is there anything? Shouldn't there be? We as miraculous creations of a Higher Power owe it to ourselves to explore what that something else is. And I believe that we can find that, just in the simple art of doing...of completing a process.
The World Trade Center disaster was a major indicator for many that time waits for no one. Our days are not promised to us. I know we've all experienced a newfound gratefulness, but what are we really doing with our lives? It is my hope that as I have, you are examining this very idea, questioning the true value of the things in your life.
Have you ever heard of assembly line workers or data entry operators who love what they do and wondered how in the world could they? That, to me, is the Art of Doing at work. The act of doing something that has steps to follow can be very freeing. Our personalities, our own individual humanness is the variable that shines when observed against the structure of a process.
My dad enjoys gardening. He told me the other day "You know I love this. It relaxes me so." I have no doubt about that. His home is draped in sprays of living greenery on every floor and in every room. Every now and then I catch glimpses of my father, happily tending to each plant, digging his hands into moist soil to plant new seeds, and watering his "babies," a term of endearment for his plants. I sense wholeness in him, one which I doubt he could get from having someone else tend the garden for him.
Easy Come, Easy Go
When the process of doing things yourself is eliminated, we miss out on being grateful for the end product. In a way it feels as though we haven't done anything to get to our goals. So why then, should we expect to appreciate it fully and strive or fight to keep it?
I've heard it said that successful living lies not within arriving at our destinations, but the experiences, good and bad, along the way.
Many of us dismiss and forget those experiences, running at breakneck speed towards our goals. That is a mistake. Life and destiny implore us again and again to stop and take notice, meditate and think deeply about our paths, how we got here, where we are, what we are doing and who we experience as we strive to get there. It is the decisions we make and the reactions we choose to enact along the way that define us.
We all need to become people of character and not material possession. This doesn't mean, sell all your belongings and wander through the thick of the woods or desert. Things come and go, and anyone can attain those baubles and trinkets that temporarily tickle those you wish to impress. But your character lasts far longer in hearts and minds. Look at Jesus Christ. Look at Buddha. Look at Muhammad (PBTH). Look at Martin Luther King. Look at Malcolm X. Look at our countless other heroes. The human race holds all of these people in an esteem that is virtually iconic. But in reality, they possessed humanity just like we do. We are all capable of these great things, of being brave, of being people of character. We all affect people in ways we will always have yet to realize.
The people I have mentioned all went through some kind of process to attain what they knew was truly good. Most didn't live to even see the lasting influence of their efforts. So surely they couldn't count on just the destination as inspiration. But, as many of you know, billions of people across this planet continue to live by those defining moments in their lives, being in awe of their dedication to the art of the long, arduous, unpopular, and ultimately rewarding process.
Ask yourself: What are you doing to get “there”? When all is said and done, whose lives will be impacted by your defining moments?
Hello blogheads! It's been ages as usual. The following post is one I dug up recently as I was updating my teaching portfolio. It's interesting that many of the things I wrote about then are just as relevant 7 years later.
It's one of the cornerstones of why I teach....enjoy!
Losing the Art of Doing
Has our fast-food/microwave society robbed us of the steps to gratefulness?
Written May 27, 2002
By Jenny Kinscy
No one knows how to do anything anymore. Heaven forbid we have a technology meltdown, what will we do then??? Who will survive?
Make no mistake: technology is an important component to many aspects of our lives. The advances in technology have replaced the need for many of the processes that would take us time to complete. We can talk to people through our computers instead of writing letters. We can buy our clothes, food and entertainment ready-made without the fuss of doing anything ourselves. Some of us can even hire other people to do the “tedious work” like laundry, cleaning, tending to our children to avoid doing it ourselves. This, I believe is bringing us to lopsided lives, in which we are no longer really involved. We don’t bring anything to our lives anymore. Many of us sit and wait for life to come to us as a result. We as a society have worked to obliterate the processes that involve us in life. We have wiped out the steps we follow to do things to make life more expedient. But in doing so, we lose a great deal of purpose and appreciation for what we obtain. Our lives are imbalanced.
Today most people want everything “right now,” without putting any work into getting the things they want. If there is an easier shortcut to doing something or attaining something, most people will take it.
As a result—and as with many things-- our children are following our lead. Pop culture is churning out fame at an instantaneous speed. Celebrities, advertisements, images of public figures and stories we hear all associate fast with good, while dangerously sloughing over taking any steps to get to that fame. So, our society is producing people, adults and children, who are more focused on the destination than the journey in getting there.
My father and I sat in his living room one night, digging out old family relics from the storage room. He and I reminisced over pictures of aunts, grandma, and other relatives. We laughed and refreshed each others memories while dusting off my old grade school report cards, awards, and even some third grade art work.
After more searching through our storage bins, I found an old JC Penney catalog, from 1976. Amazed that we still had it, I began thumbing through the catalog. I flipped past so many pages filled with dress patterns, young girls knitting, and other craft supplies. For a moment I thought about how different the contents were compared to the catalogs we get now. As my father and I talked, I realized that kids today are not focused on these kinds of crafts or the skills they help build.
But my ideal is about more than learning a trade or hobby. The “Art of Doing” is in direct relation to the “Art of Truly Being” in my opinion. Are we just sitting here, following some script of things we’re supposed to do before we die? How boring! There has to be more to life than that. How many of us can or do really look at ourselves outside of our roles in life to see what's there? Is there anything? Shouldn't there be? We as miraculous creations of a Higher Power owe it to ourselves to explore what that something else is. And I believe that we can find that, just in the simple art of doing...of completing a process.
The World Trade Center disaster was a major indicator for many that time waits for no one. Our days are not promised to us. I know we've all experienced a newfound gratefulness, but what are we really doing with our lives? It is my hope that as I have, you are examining this very idea, questioning the true value of the things in your life.
Have you ever heard of assembly line workers or data entry operators who love what they do and wondered how in the world could they? That, to me, is the Art of Doing at work. The act of doing something that has steps to follow can be very freeing. Our personalities, our own individual humanness is the variable that shines when observed against the structure of a process.
My dad enjoys gardening. He told me the other day "You know I love this. It relaxes me so." I have no doubt about that. His home is draped in sprays of living greenery on every floor and in every room. Every now and then I catch glimpses of my father, happily tending to each plant, digging his hands into moist soil to plant new seeds, and watering his "babies," a term of endearment for his plants. I sense wholeness in him, one which I doubt he could get from having someone else tend the garden for him.
Easy Come, Easy Go
When the process of doing things yourself is eliminated, we miss out on being grateful for the end product. In a way it feels as though we haven't done anything to get to our goals. So why then, should we expect to appreciate it fully and strive or fight to keep it?
I've heard it said that successful living lies not within arriving at our destinations, but the experiences, good and bad, along the way.
Many of us dismiss and forget those experiences, running at breakneck speed towards our goals. That is a mistake. Life and destiny implore us again and again to stop and take notice, meditate and think deeply about our paths, how we got here, where we are, what we are doing and who we experience as we strive to get there. It is the decisions we make and the reactions we choose to enact along the way that define us.
We all need to become people of character and not material possession. This doesn't mean, sell all your belongings and wander through the thick of the woods or desert. Things come and go, and anyone can attain those baubles and trinkets that temporarily tickle those you wish to impress. But your character lasts far longer in hearts and minds. Look at Jesus Christ. Look at Buddha. Look at Muhammad (PBTH). Look at Martin Luther King. Look at Malcolm X. Look at our countless other heroes. The human race holds all of these people in an esteem that is virtually iconic. But in reality, they possessed humanity just like we do. We are all capable of these great things, of being brave, of being people of character. We all affect people in ways we will always have yet to realize.
The people I have mentioned all went through some kind of process to attain what they knew was truly good. Most didn't live to even see the lasting influence of their efforts. So surely they couldn't count on just the destination as inspiration. But, as many of you know, billions of people across this planet continue to live by those defining moments in their lives, being in awe of their dedication to the art of the long, arduous, unpopular, and ultimately rewarding process.
Ask yourself: What are you doing to get “there”? When all is said and done, whose lives will be impacted by your defining moments?
5.25.2009
it's hard...
It's hard when you realize that the things you once loved are no longer the same...that they've just changed forever....and worse yet---that you have to get rid of them, and let. them. go.
letting go is extremely hard:
when your heart has been so into it
when you did everything in your power to nuture it, and it still doesn't work
when you know that you can't overcome the wrong turns
when life--just being itself--doesn't give you the answers you were looking for
when you realize that it (whatever "it" is) is just out of your control. there is nothing you can do about what is about to happen
when you can't forget how good things once were, but at the same time, you can't ignore all of the big, glaring red flags that say that "things have changed" and "the situation is no longer good for you"
when you realize this thing you loved is no longer good for you, yet you wonder how it got to this point
letting go is just so fucking hard
It's hard when you realize that the things you once loved are no longer the same...that they've just changed forever....and worse yet---that you have to get rid of them, and let. them. go.
letting go is extremely hard:
when your heart has been so into it
when you did everything in your power to nuture it, and it still doesn't work
when you know that you can't overcome the wrong turns
when life--just being itself--doesn't give you the answers you were looking for
when you realize that it (whatever "it" is) is just out of your control. there is nothing you can do about what is about to happen
when you can't forget how good things once were, but at the same time, you can't ignore all of the big, glaring red flags that say that "things have changed" and "the situation is no longer good for you"
when you realize this thing you loved is no longer good for you, yet you wonder how it got to this point
letting go is just so fucking hard
5.03.2009
big things....
well, well, well....It's the very next month...heck it's the next week! And I'm back.
just touching base:
Enjoying my pregnancy right now. Baby Barnes is the size of an avocado, and I'm approaching my 4th month. I can't knock the symptom- (and Aunt Flo) free trimester I'm in. I find that if I eat smaller meals and graze as opposed to a big sit-down meal, I can avoid morning sickness altogether.
Last night, I discovered the very foreign experience of going to an "open bar" function without indulging in any myself. Hubby was kind enough to make me some virgin pina coladas, which were dee-lish. As I sipped my smooth and thick mocktail, I learned a few things. It's fascinating to see folks ossified when you aren't. This is one of the first times I've experienced something like this en masse. People say the funniest and most truthful things when they are drunk off their asses. Sometimes it's poignant, sometimes it's...well, not. And for some, there's always that weird drunken apology assigning blame to the festivities (a la Jamie's recent song about "ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-alcohol"). For others, there is the hysterical and potentially violent puffing of the chest, to stand, albeit not steadily, by one's proclamation of truthfulness. Let's just say I heard the phrase "Yeah! I said it!" tossed around more than once or twice last night.
What a revelation to see this from the sober perspective....how funny, silly, crazy, horny, truthful and genuine we all become post-consumption. I have to wonder if this is what it's looked like all these years that I was getting my own drink on? I would cringe at the thought of some of the things I did and said. But, I guess the drink has sufficiently burned away my memory of much of my naughty deeds from my personal heyday.
So instead, I suppose I can laugh soberly about it all. Moreover, I'm getting the concept that it's my turn to look out for those who always looked out for me back in my days of saucing it up. :) That's one way to think about it....
well, well, well....It's the very next month...heck it's the next week! And I'm back.
just touching base:
Enjoying my pregnancy right now. Baby Barnes is the size of an avocado, and I'm approaching my 4th month. I can't knock the symptom- (and Aunt Flo) free trimester I'm in. I find that if I eat smaller meals and graze as opposed to a big sit-down meal, I can avoid morning sickness altogether.
Last night, I discovered the very foreign experience of going to an "open bar" function without indulging in any myself. Hubby was kind enough to make me some virgin pina coladas, which were dee-lish. As I sipped my smooth and thick mocktail, I learned a few things. It's fascinating to see folks ossified when you aren't. This is one of the first times I've experienced something like this en masse. People say the funniest and most truthful things when they are drunk off their asses. Sometimes it's poignant, sometimes it's...well, not. And for some, there's always that weird drunken apology assigning blame to the festivities (a la Jamie's recent song about "ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-alcohol"). For others, there is the hysterical and potentially violent puffing of the chest, to stand, albeit not steadily, by one's proclamation of truthfulness. Let's just say I heard the phrase "Yeah! I said it!" tossed around more than once or twice last night.
What a revelation to see this from the sober perspective....how funny, silly, crazy, horny, truthful and genuine we all become post-consumption. I have to wonder if this is what it's looked like all these years that I was getting my own drink on? I would cringe at the thought of some of the things I did and said. But, I guess the drink has sufficiently burned away my memory of much of my naughty deeds from my personal heyday.
So instead, I suppose I can laugh soberly about it all. Moreover, I'm getting the concept that it's my turn to look out for those who always looked out for me back in my days of saucing it up. :) That's one way to think about it....
4.28.2009
major developments...
I haven't written on here in so long. Wow. Almost 3 months to the day....
I feel a major upheaval coming...of the spiritual variety. This is a good thing. It's been so long that I've written because my spirit has been clouded by the everyday stuff that goes on. It's too easy sometimes to get sucked into it.
It seems that everyone (myself included) wants everything to be easy, quick and agreeable all of the time. And life isn't like that. Sometimes life is just plain ugly and painful and hard to deal with....
It's like I keep telling my students during math class....it's not always the answer that I am looking for. Sometimes it's how you got there that counts.
So, that makes me think: how am I getting to where I'd like to be in my own life? You know the question we all ask at one point or another---do the ends justify the means?
I've sat by and let things and people rob my spirit. Now that my head is lifted out of it, I wonder how it happened. . . or better yet, how do I get myself out of it?
Enough wonderings for now...
Good news. I am pregnant with my first child in our little Barnes family. Baby will make three. It's true what they say: babies do help you to prioritize what is indeed important in life and what is not. A lot of BS has just fallen to the wayside, and I am sobered to realities in my life or reaffirming the positives that are here right now.
When I saw that first sonogram, I realized what a miracle it is to have a little life inside you, functioning on its own. Baby is kicking (though I can't feel it just yet), swimming, moving around. I swear to you, though, if I didn't see it on the sonogram, I wouldn't believe that it was true!
It's the kind of miracle I need to wake me out of this funk I've been in. I'm fighting it a bit, maybe because it's so new-feeling. . .doesn't even feel like a return to who I was before the last 5 years happened. It feels like I'm evolving into someone new.
To know, I am doing everything now, for two of us in this one body, makes me shake my head in amazement. I'm also watchful of what and who I let in....who I let affect me...what I say yes to, what I say no to...where I go and whose energy I am around....
Much like the wedding, the little everyday conversations I've had are just lessons in of themselves. They're insights into these people that I never really picked up on....my ears are open, and I'm hearing the most interesting things....
Creating and sustaining life is a powerful thing. I have only God to thank for it.
I haven't written on here in so long. Wow. Almost 3 months to the day....
I feel a major upheaval coming...of the spiritual variety. This is a good thing. It's been so long that I've written because my spirit has been clouded by the everyday stuff that goes on. It's too easy sometimes to get sucked into it.
It seems that everyone (myself included) wants everything to be easy, quick and agreeable all of the time. And life isn't like that. Sometimes life is just plain ugly and painful and hard to deal with....
It's like I keep telling my students during math class....it's not always the answer that I am looking for. Sometimes it's how you got there that counts.
So, that makes me think: how am I getting to where I'd like to be in my own life? You know the question we all ask at one point or another---do the ends justify the means?
I've sat by and let things and people rob my spirit. Now that my head is lifted out of it, I wonder how it happened. . . or better yet, how do I get myself out of it?
Enough wonderings for now...
Good news. I am pregnant with my first child in our little Barnes family. Baby will make three. It's true what they say: babies do help you to prioritize what is indeed important in life and what is not. A lot of BS has just fallen to the wayside, and I am sobered to realities in my life or reaffirming the positives that are here right now.
When I saw that first sonogram, I realized what a miracle it is to have a little life inside you, functioning on its own. Baby is kicking (though I can't feel it just yet), swimming, moving around. I swear to you, though, if I didn't see it on the sonogram, I wouldn't believe that it was true!
It's the kind of miracle I need to wake me out of this funk I've been in. I'm fighting it a bit, maybe because it's so new-feeling. . .doesn't even feel like a return to who I was before the last 5 years happened. It feels like I'm evolving into someone new.
To know, I am doing everything now, for two of us in this one body, makes me shake my head in amazement. I'm also watchful of what and who I let in....who I let affect me...what I say yes to, what I say no to...where I go and whose energy I am around....
Much like the wedding, the little everyday conversations I've had are just lessons in of themselves. They're insights into these people that I never really picked up on....my ears are open, and I'm hearing the most interesting things....
Creating and sustaining life is a powerful thing. I have only God to thank for it.
1.30.2009
Okay, I took this from Facebook-- a site that is frighteningly addictive. So, I figure I'll get some mileage out of this piece and update the blog at the same time. Perhaps I'll have more to say soon. Until then though, here are:
1. I now live in Brooklyn, after bouncing back and forth from PA to Brooklyn. So far I've lived in PA twice in my lifetime.
2. As a little girl, I once got my head stuck in an iron fence on Utica Avenue here in Brooklyn...an experience that surprisingly had a more profound lesson learned (take your time and try to calm down in crisis situations)
3. I have the most vivid dreams of anyone I know and a journal where I have written most of them down (contact me sometime, I'll tell you about them).
4. I once had 5 piercings. I have since let 3 of them close up.
5. In high school, I went on a youth pilgrimage to Poland. I lived in a youth hostel, ate roadside grilled kielbasa (still the BEST I've ever tasted), and stood in the gas chambers of Auschwitz during my visit. Powerful.
6. I didn't catch the chicken pox until I was sixteen and in high school. I was supposed to star in a musical, but my poor friend had to fill in for me instead (sorry Lisa!)
7. I got to meet Mos Def at a youth rally in Brooklyn, before he became large
8. I once got booted off a stage by Ed Lover & Bill Bellamy.
9. In my next lifetime, I'd like to be a radio DJ again as "The Mackstress"
10. I absolutely love reading good books, especially science fiction and horror.
11. I once took bellydancing classes and I plan to go back for more.
12. I never learned to swim. Still need to get the whole "don't try to breath in water" part down.
13. In the past, a person I was dating showed up at my home with two of the strangest gifts: a plaster, full-color mask of his face (life-sized), and hershey's kisses with the little papers pulled out and replaced with even smaller papers which each said "Jenny" printed in frighteningly meticulous fashion. All of this in a shoe box. Dude.
14. My friends and I have walked out on a restaurant bill because there was a potato in the sangria. They never even missed us!
15. My husband and I both have aunts who were named Juanita Johnson (at some point in their lives) and who were widowed by husbands named Uncle Eddie.
16. My colleague and I have gone to the Christmas Party, slept (more like passed out) at our boss's house, and gone right back to work with the same clothes on.
17. I remember bits and pieces of my own birth. I am lucky enough to have verified the details with the only other person who was there at the time--my mother.
18. I was once a Eucharistic Minister.
19. I once played hooky in sixth grade, and my mother called the cops. Needless to say, I got it that day (old schoolers you know what's up)
20. When I was much younger, I used to sleep on my sister's back. And she let me (now that's love).
21. I miss writing terribly. Writing has taught me to choose my use of words carefully to make a powerful impact. Here are four that should only be used if you really mean it: promise (i agree Vaish), love, yes and friend.
22. Like my brother in law Steve, I love going to the movies alone.
23. I am an avid foodie and I love trying new things. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie just because I love the food they prepare in it. Yet, the series "Man vs. Food" periodically grosses me out.
24. I have had every black woman's hairstyle in existence excepting only the Jheri curl (and its greasy descendants) and the weaves that need to be sewn in.
25. I love my family, both the one I was born into, and the new fam I have gained through marriage.
25 Random Things About Jenny
1. I now live in Brooklyn, after bouncing back and forth from PA to Brooklyn. So far I've lived in PA twice in my lifetime.
2. As a little girl, I once got my head stuck in an iron fence on Utica Avenue here in Brooklyn...an experience that surprisingly had a more profound lesson learned (take your time and try to calm down in crisis situations)
3. I have the most vivid dreams of anyone I know and a journal where I have written most of them down (contact me sometime, I'll tell you about them).
4. I once had 5 piercings. I have since let 3 of them close up.
5. In high school, I went on a youth pilgrimage to Poland. I lived in a youth hostel, ate roadside grilled kielbasa (still the BEST I've ever tasted), and stood in the gas chambers of Auschwitz during my visit. Powerful.
6. I didn't catch the chicken pox until I was sixteen and in high school. I was supposed to star in a musical, but my poor friend had to fill in for me instead (sorry Lisa!)
7. I got to meet Mos Def at a youth rally in Brooklyn, before he became large
8. I once got booted off a stage by Ed Lover & Bill Bellamy.
9. In my next lifetime, I'd like to be a radio DJ again as "The Mackstress"
10. I absolutely love reading good books, especially science fiction and horror.
11. I once took bellydancing classes and I plan to go back for more.
12. I never learned to swim. Still need to get the whole "don't try to breath in water" part down.
13. In the past, a person I was dating showed up at my home with two of the strangest gifts: a plaster, full-color mask of his face (life-sized), and hershey's kisses with the little papers pulled out and replaced with even smaller papers which each said "Jenny" printed in frighteningly meticulous fashion. All of this in a shoe box. Dude.
14. My friends and I have walked out on a restaurant bill because there was a potato in the sangria. They never even missed us!
15. My husband and I both have aunts who were named Juanita Johnson (at some point in their lives) and who were widowed by husbands named Uncle Eddie.
16. My colleague and I have gone to the Christmas Party, slept (more like passed out) at our boss's house, and gone right back to work with the same clothes on.
17. I remember bits and pieces of my own birth. I am lucky enough to have verified the details with the only other person who was there at the time--my mother.
18. I was once a Eucharistic Minister.
19. I once played hooky in sixth grade, and my mother called the cops. Needless to say, I got it that day (old schoolers you know what's up)
20. When I was much younger, I used to sleep on my sister's back. And she let me (now that's love).
21. I miss writing terribly. Writing has taught me to choose my use of words carefully to make a powerful impact. Here are four that should only be used if you really mean it: promise (i agree Vaish), love, yes and friend.
22. Like my brother in law Steve, I love going to the movies alone.
23. I am an avid foodie and I love trying new things. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie just because I love the food they prepare in it. Yet, the series "Man vs. Food" periodically grosses me out.
24. I have had every black woman's hairstyle in existence excepting only the Jheri curl (and its greasy descendants) and the weaves that need to be sewn in.
25. I love my family, both the one I was born into, and the new fam I have gained through marriage.
11.11.2008
a brief examination...
my mood has brightened a bit since the last post. i am, as usual, in the middle of all types of things happening right now in my life....
home
Chris and I are moving on December 1. We have decided to take the apartment downstairs from where we are now. It's bigger. What will we do with all that space you say? Well, we are officially "trying" if you know what I mean. We are actively trying to have children. The notion both excites and frightens the hell out of me at the same time. Nonetheless, I am doing my best to stay in the moment of this change.
The apartment is really nice, 3 bedrooms and 1 1/2 baths...finding a rent-stabilized space like that in New York Gentrified City these days is a miracle. This was an opportunity we couldn't pass up. I look forward to decorating the space as well.
career
Things are pretty good on the career end. As always, my work with the students keeps me very busy....the difference is that I only have 2 extra jobs this time...not three like last year. My school is up for its quality review in a little less than a week, and that has everybody, right up to the top, on edge. I can't wait until things begin to return to normal again.
Looking further down the horizon, I'd like to return to school for my administrative license as well. A wise colleague told me that I should go for it, even if I know I don't want to be a principal or an assistant principal (their hours frighten me). I know that I want to eventually be out of the classroom, and that licensure will allow me to do that with ease.
My writing (as is evident from my sporadic postings on here) is on the back burner right now. In the busy-ness of life, I just don't get to it the way that I used to. Lately, I haven't been feeling inspired either. Perhaps I'll come back to it someday when the mood strikes.
spirit
My spirit has taken a beating as of late. I have been feeling extremely disinterested and unmotivated in my life. I don't know why that is. My energy is drained by some very personal things I'm choosing not to share in this setting. And, that has to stop. My life has become a depressing lump and I had become a lump along with it.
I am hoping that by writing and putting a little love into you, dear blog, my spirit will lift to some degree. I already feel a bit lighter.
I just don't want to give my energy to something or someone which is breaking my spirit the way things have as of late. I have a habit of letting almost anything in, interacting with every single entity that comes along, and it's killing me emotionally.
There are things in my life which are tearing at my soul...a veritable tug of war between those things which deserve my attention and those which do not. With what little energy I have, I am tired of being pulled this way and that. I need peace of mind. That totally sounds cliche, but it is so dead-on for me in my current mental and emotional state.
I wish I had to secret to finally being able to let go and letting the fabric of life prevail. I haven't mastered that yet, but at least I feel like I am trying...
So as I often do with a little time off (today is Veteran's day), I will spend time meditating on what that secret might be.
My question is, simply: What is important to Jenny's well-being now?
my mood has brightened a bit since the last post. i am, as usual, in the middle of all types of things happening right now in my life....
home
Chris and I are moving on December 1. We have decided to take the apartment downstairs from where we are now. It's bigger. What will we do with all that space you say? Well, we are officially "trying" if you know what I mean. We are actively trying to have children. The notion both excites and frightens the hell out of me at the same time. Nonetheless, I am doing my best to stay in the moment of this change.
The apartment is really nice, 3 bedrooms and 1 1/2 baths...finding a rent-stabilized space like that in New York Gentrified City these days is a miracle. This was an opportunity we couldn't pass up. I look forward to decorating the space as well.
career
Things are pretty good on the career end. As always, my work with the students keeps me very busy....the difference is that I only have 2 extra jobs this time...not three like last year. My school is up for its quality review in a little less than a week, and that has everybody, right up to the top, on edge. I can't wait until things begin to return to normal again.
Looking further down the horizon, I'd like to return to school for my administrative license as well. A wise colleague told me that I should go for it, even if I know I don't want to be a principal or an assistant principal (their hours frighten me). I know that I want to eventually be out of the classroom, and that licensure will allow me to do that with ease.
My writing (as is evident from my sporadic postings on here) is on the back burner right now. In the busy-ness of life, I just don't get to it the way that I used to. Lately, I haven't been feeling inspired either. Perhaps I'll come back to it someday when the mood strikes.
spirit
My spirit has taken a beating as of late. I have been feeling extremely disinterested and unmotivated in my life. I don't know why that is. My energy is drained by some very personal things I'm choosing not to share in this setting. And, that has to stop. My life has become a depressing lump and I had become a lump along with it.
I am hoping that by writing and putting a little love into you, dear blog, my spirit will lift to some degree. I already feel a bit lighter.
I just don't want to give my energy to something or someone which is breaking my spirit the way things have as of late. I have a habit of letting almost anything in, interacting with every single entity that comes along, and it's killing me emotionally.
There are things in my life which are tearing at my soul...a veritable tug of war between those things which deserve my attention and those which do not. With what little energy I have, I am tired of being pulled this way and that. I need peace of mind. That totally sounds cliche, but it is so dead-on for me in my current mental and emotional state.
I wish I had to secret to finally being able to let go and letting the fabric of life prevail. I haven't mastered that yet, but at least I feel like I am trying...
So as I often do with a little time off (today is Veteran's day), I will spend time meditating on what that secret might be.
My question is, simply: What is important to Jenny's well-being now?
10.21.2008
nothing....
today i feel nothing. nothing at all. there is no one to talk to, and nothing i can do about it right now. . .
as i sometimes tell my students to do, i am writing about nothing in the hopes that something, anything will come along and inspire me.
perhaps i'll have a more cheery update when i'm feeling that way....but right now, there is nothing.
today i feel nothing. nothing at all. there is no one to talk to, and nothing i can do about it right now. . .
as i sometimes tell my students to do, i am writing about nothing in the hopes that something, anything will come along and inspire me.
perhaps i'll have a more cheery update when i'm feeling that way....but right now, there is nothing.
4.21.2008
breathing: a lost art
well, here i am, 80 days away from my wedding, in the spring of the elementary school year with my fourth grade class, holding down my 3 part-time jobs during the school day.
and oh, yeah, i'm still here. u can't imagine my excitement and stress level right now. as usual, life isn't even having the decency to slow down and happen one thing at a time for little old me. so, i'm juggling it all, like the rest of us all, taking it as it comes.
i am reminded about what my teaching mentor told me in my first year of school - don't take on so much. in the past months, it's been necessary to pick up this thing for the school, add this trip to this place for the wedding, tack on this task right after i'm done with that other thing for afterschool.
problem is, i forgot to put some of this stuff down! i'm carrying too much at once.
so, guess what? i'm off for a week, during which i plan to unload some of the billion things i'm taking on all at once.
it's funny how one can forget to breathe...that simple involuntary task is one that i've been taking for granted lately. i mean, of course i'm heaving air in and out to simply exist in the physiological sense. but, i can't remember the last time i let some fresh air and space into my mind and my life. like still water, my life has been stagnant and stink with the stench of monotony. yet, weirdly enough, everything that's been done is moving us ever closer to July 12, 2008, the day N's life and my life changes forever.
wish me luck in the next five days, as i plunk down some of my burdens and worries on the side of the road and clean mental house.
well, here i am, 80 days away from my wedding, in the spring of the elementary school year with my fourth grade class, holding down my 3 part-time jobs during the school day.
and oh, yeah, i'm still here. u can't imagine my excitement and stress level right now. as usual, life isn't even having the decency to slow down and happen one thing at a time for little old me. so, i'm juggling it all, like the rest of us all, taking it as it comes.
i am reminded about what my teaching mentor told me in my first year of school - don't take on so much. in the past months, it's been necessary to pick up this thing for the school, add this trip to this place for the wedding, tack on this task right after i'm done with that other thing for afterschool.
problem is, i forgot to put some of this stuff down! i'm carrying too much at once.
so, guess what? i'm off for a week, during which i plan to unload some of the billion things i'm taking on all at once.
it's funny how one can forget to breathe...that simple involuntary task is one that i've been taking for granted lately. i mean, of course i'm heaving air in and out to simply exist in the physiological sense. but, i can't remember the last time i let some fresh air and space into my mind and my life. like still water, my life has been stagnant and stink with the stench of monotony. yet, weirdly enough, everything that's been done is moving us ever closer to July 12, 2008, the day N's life and my life changes forever.
wish me luck in the next five days, as i plunk down some of my burdens and worries on the side of the road and clean mental house.
11.25.2007
the update...
well, it (once again) has been quite a grip since i've posted on here. . .
Life right now, is, well, wonderful. With all of the things I have going on (and there's always a lot), I can say that I am truly thankful to have a life so full of love, family and meaning. I realize that there are many who just don't have that. Where do I begin???
...the wedding
planning is going well for the wedding. i mean, damn. we have had 2 years and some change to get all of the details together, haven't we? we are just finishing the process of securing all of the services (except the limousines, flowers and the honeymoon)...all of the rest at this point is feeling like gravy by comparison. i just didn't realize how expensive our little wedding would be! it's hard to remember all of the details, even for a thorough planner like me. who can remember auntie this one and that one or cousin so-and-so and what's-his-face from work for the invitation purposes. so, N and I are deftly straddling that etiquette fence between doing what's expected of all brides and grooms and doing things our way. but, even with all of the costs and the endless array of things to remember and plan for, I am still incredibly jazzed about our big day. we are party people, so you can imagine that this wedding is going to be some shindig!
...the gym
i've been going to the gym with N y'all! it has been great for us to join the Y together. did you know city employees get a discount? i pay 40 bucks/month for myself and N!!! anywho, our Y is a state-of-the-art exercise and activity complex, and there are lots of things to do. with the help of a trainer (free), we do cardiovascular and strength training workouts. i love that the members come in all shapes and sizes....the meat market musclefest element is not there at the Y. everyone is there, honestly trying to achieve some level of fitness...after the wedding i'd like to look into the swimming classes (yeah, i'm one of those city kids who never learned!)....i have been so much more energized since i started going....i have to get my butt in gear and drag it in there, especially after the big Thanksgorging holiday!!!
...the teaching
teaching is wonderful! of course, with any teaching gig, comes the usual causes of my weekly headaches: the shiftless co-worker who's there for a paycheck, that undiagnosed AD/HD kid who just won't sit still during the mini-lesson, and the million and one things to do in one school day. however, this is one time when i can say that they admins are allllllright. i never thought i'd be in a situation like this, but i thank the Creator that i am. one admin is a former co-worker from my first school, and like everything she does, she is no joke at her job. that's one of the main reasons why i wanted to teach at her school--she knows her shit, folks. and, because of that, there are many forces at work in our school. many of my co-workers are threatened by her gender or her race or even her age (she's on the younger side), and that manifests itself in many different ways on our staff. i can't believe the time some folks take in trying to sabotage her for these reasons. if these co-workers spent the time it takes to try and get her in trouble on their own pedagogy, we'd have an all-star cast of teachers. they hate the fact that she really is there for the kids first and foremost. teachers keeping the school from putting the children first---sounds backward, doesn't it? well, the lesson I've learned in education if nothing else, is that you can't make the truths of public education up, however sad and unbelievable they might be...
On another note, I'm fortunate enough to have met some wonderful fellow educators here as well. It also doesn't hurt that my class is relatively small (14 kids!)... I've also been fortunate to have a few extra per-session jobs to help out financially with the wedding...N is being so supportive about it all...he cooks dinner on the nights I come home late, does his and my share of the housework when he knows I'm exhausted. He is already being what I consider a wonderful husband!!!
...the life with N
my life with N is great. i can't imagine where i'd be without him. i have grown so much as a person since we met. we have argued and fought about zillions of things, but there's a strong foundation underneath all of it...and that's what I come back to each time. I recently shared this concept with a girlfriend of mine who is now living with her man. She'd having a hard time adjusting to sharing her space. She finds herself arguing with him about the smallest, though not insignificant things. I shared with her that we argue from time to time, too. However, the difference is that instead of just throwing in the towel, that foundation of love that we have for each other brings me back to a place of sticking with it and making it work. The "fights" are always in some way about us wanting to make happiness possible in every way. We both are continually learning how to communicate better with each other as a result. This love we have has found a home inside both of us, and neither one of us ever wants to let that go...so I'm incredibly happy to be with him.
For now, that's all there is...but it's enough. I have some ideas for the future, but until then, I'm still working, teaching, and loving hard...and enjoying it...
Blessings,
J
well, it (once again) has been quite a grip since i've posted on here. . .
Life right now, is, well, wonderful. With all of the things I have going on (and there's always a lot), I can say that I am truly thankful to have a life so full of love, family and meaning. I realize that there are many who just don't have that. Where do I begin???
...the wedding
planning is going well for the wedding. i mean, damn. we have had 2 years and some change to get all of the details together, haven't we? we are just finishing the process of securing all of the services (except the limousines, flowers and the honeymoon)...all of the rest at this point is feeling like gravy by comparison. i just didn't realize how expensive our little wedding would be! it's hard to remember all of the details, even for a thorough planner like me. who can remember auntie this one and that one or cousin so-and-so and what's-his-face from work for the invitation purposes. so, N and I are deftly straddling that etiquette fence between doing what's expected of all brides and grooms and doing things our way. but, even with all of the costs and the endless array of things to remember and plan for, I am still incredibly jazzed about our big day. we are party people, so you can imagine that this wedding is going to be some shindig!
...the gym
i've been going to the gym with N y'all! it has been great for us to join the Y together. did you know city employees get a discount? i pay 40 bucks/month for myself and N!!! anywho, our Y is a state-of-the-art exercise and activity complex, and there are lots of things to do. with the help of a trainer (free), we do cardiovascular and strength training workouts. i love that the members come in all shapes and sizes....the meat market musclefest element is not there at the Y. everyone is there, honestly trying to achieve some level of fitness...after the wedding i'd like to look into the swimming classes (yeah, i'm one of those city kids who never learned!)....i have been so much more energized since i started going....i have to get my butt in gear and drag it in there, especially after the big Thanksgorging holiday!!!
...the teaching
teaching is wonderful! of course, with any teaching gig, comes the usual causes of my weekly headaches: the shiftless co-worker who's there for a paycheck, that undiagnosed AD/HD kid who just won't sit still during the mini-lesson, and the million and one things to do in one school day. however, this is one time when i can say that they admins are allllllright. i never thought i'd be in a situation like this, but i thank the Creator that i am. one admin is a former co-worker from my first school, and like everything she does, she is no joke at her job. that's one of the main reasons why i wanted to teach at her school--she knows her shit, folks. and, because of that, there are many forces at work in our school. many of my co-workers are threatened by her gender or her race or even her age (she's on the younger side), and that manifests itself in many different ways on our staff. i can't believe the time some folks take in trying to sabotage her for these reasons. if these co-workers spent the time it takes to try and get her in trouble on their own pedagogy, we'd have an all-star cast of teachers. they hate the fact that she really is there for the kids first and foremost. teachers keeping the school from putting the children first---sounds backward, doesn't it? well, the lesson I've learned in education if nothing else, is that you can't make the truths of public education up, however sad and unbelievable they might be...
On another note, I'm fortunate enough to have met some wonderful fellow educators here as well. It also doesn't hurt that my class is relatively small (14 kids!)... I've also been fortunate to have a few extra per-session jobs to help out financially with the wedding...N is being so supportive about it all...he cooks dinner on the nights I come home late, does his and my share of the housework when he knows I'm exhausted. He is already being what I consider a wonderful husband!!!
...the life with N
my life with N is great. i can't imagine where i'd be without him. i have grown so much as a person since we met. we have argued and fought about zillions of things, but there's a strong foundation underneath all of it...and that's what I come back to each time. I recently shared this concept with a girlfriend of mine who is now living with her man. She'd having a hard time adjusting to sharing her space. She finds herself arguing with him about the smallest, though not insignificant things. I shared with her that we argue from time to time, too. However, the difference is that instead of just throwing in the towel, that foundation of love that we have for each other brings me back to a place of sticking with it and making it work. The "fights" are always in some way about us wanting to make happiness possible in every way. We both are continually learning how to communicate better with each other as a result. This love we have has found a home inside both of us, and neither one of us ever wants to let that go...so I'm incredibly happy to be with him.
For now, that's all there is...but it's enough. I have some ideas for the future, but until then, I'm still working, teaching, and loving hard...and enjoying it...
Blessings,
J
9.22.2007
new school year, same stuff...
i just wanted to quickly update my blog. here's the newest information:
i just wanted to quickly update my blog. here's the newest information:
- still engaged to be married getting all of the initial details out of the way this fall (bridal party meets each other, what businesses will be performing what services during the wedding, etc.)
- just started a new school year i'm in brooklyn teaching 4th grade, and i'm working at a friend's school...this is an interesting dynamic which i will report more on later...
- not much else... well, there is...but i'll say more when i can.
6.30.2007
good, but something's missing. . . .
So, i went to the New Edition concert yesterday at the Beacon Theatre here in New York City. KC and JoJo opened for them and everything, y'all!
The concert was good, but there was no Ralph Tresvant and (not surprisingly) no Bobby Brown. As a true NE fan, I have to admit I was saddened to see this. It took me a while to come back around at that concert, people!
Nevertheless, the remaining four (Ronny, Ricky, Mike and Johnny) really gave it their all. Even they were worried about performing with out all of the members, specifically Ralph. But after the crowd cheered them on, they were feeling good about performing. "Damn, y'all making us feel like Ralph and Bobby are here with us!!!" remarked one of the NE members in between sets.
N didn't understand how I felt about the frontman being absent. I mean, every girl who was about 8 or 10 years old when NE hit the scene should know how I feel. I had a little bit of NE Heartbreak for a minute! Aside from that, I paid a hefty price for the tickets and the seats were wonderful! I could make out their faces for once. To not have all of them there made me feel a little jipped!
But, their individual group and solo songs were the smelling salts I needed. I mean, how can a girl not feel better when you've got BBD singing "Tell me when will I see you smile again/'Cause I know I messed up baaayyyybay/And I know you're fed up sugahhh." Johnny came and did his thing with a few of his solo hits as well. I'd never turn down "My, My, My, My, My, My, Myyyyyy/You sure look goood tonight...."
Throw in a little impromptu mini-tribute to Gerald Levert, and you've got a pretty good show.
So, on the morning after, I feel good about having seen one of my favorite groups ever. I hope I can see them altogether again. They're coming out with an album, they said. Maybe I'll get to see them when they go on tour....
So, i went to the New Edition concert yesterday at the Beacon Theatre here in New York City. KC and JoJo opened for them and everything, y'all!
The concert was good, but there was no Ralph Tresvant and (not surprisingly) no Bobby Brown. As a true NE fan, I have to admit I was saddened to see this. It took me a while to come back around at that concert, people!
Nevertheless, the remaining four (Ronny, Ricky, Mike and Johnny) really gave it their all. Even they were worried about performing with out all of the members, specifically Ralph. But after the crowd cheered them on, they were feeling good about performing. "Damn, y'all making us feel like Ralph and Bobby are here with us!!!" remarked one of the NE members in between sets.
N didn't understand how I felt about the frontman being absent. I mean, every girl who was about 8 or 10 years old when NE hit the scene should know how I feel. I had a little bit of NE Heartbreak for a minute! Aside from that, I paid a hefty price for the tickets and the seats were wonderful! I could make out their faces for once. To not have all of them there made me feel a little jipped!
But, their individual group and solo songs were the smelling salts I needed. I mean, how can a girl not feel better when you've got BBD singing "Tell me when will I see you smile again/'Cause I know I messed up baaayyyybay/And I know you're fed up sugahhh." Johnny came and did his thing with a few of his solo hits as well. I'd never turn down "My, My, My, My, My, My, Myyyyyy/You sure look goood tonight...."
Throw in a little impromptu mini-tribute to Gerald Levert, and you've got a pretty good show.
So, on the morning after, I feel good about having seen one of my favorite groups ever. I hope I can see them altogether again. They're coming out with an album, they said. Maybe I'll get to see them when they go on tour....
6.23.2007
a good time was had by all....
So, a lot has happened in two weeks.
My surgery went well, I am happy to report. I have spent the last two weeks recovering. No weird side effects. My follow-up appointment is this Monday, and I expect that he will tell me that everything has healed nicely. The real test will be when my cycle comes around. The pain (or lack thereof) will tell the true tale.
Actually, I have been pushing myself a little bit more physically in these last two weeks. Both N and I have been really active the last few weekends, what with Father's Day, the Jill Scott/Musiq concert, the Cassandra Wilson Central Park Summerstage concert under the stars (awesome because I have a friend who has V.I.P. access), and our regular end-of-the-week "date nights."
This has also been the last two weeks of school, which at my current school means TONS of trips. We've gone to a picnic in the park, a trip to the Museum of Natural History (read: walking, walking, and more walking!). We went to Club Getaway, where we (both students and I) bungee jumped, did the zip line swing between trees, rock climbed and then had the nerve to have a dance party! I finally "chicken noodle souped" for my kids. They lost it!!! :) I honestly think that they think we teachers sleep in the closets at work at the end of the day and come back out in the morning only to teach them.
The graduation and prom were both yesterday as well. It was a wonderful day. There is nothing like having the graduating class at a school. So far, I have helped to orchestrate numerous graduations as a veteran teacher of seniormost students in schools. When I finally saw my kids all together in their caps and gowns, I felt that familiar June tug at my heart. It finally hit me--They're graduates. I have to let my babies go! In fact, my 6th grade is the first class to have started from Kindergarten at the charter school where I work. So, in essence, they really were the first graduating class at the school. And, fittingly enough, to end the graduation, they sang "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now" by McFadden & Whitehead.
So now that it's all over, I sit here in my jammies and my kerchief, thinking about my own fate this summer. I will hopefully be teaching in Brooklyn next year, and I won't be making many trips to Harlem after this week save for my great braid stylist at Turning Heads Salon. As has been the case several years in a row before now, my life and my career will take a new turn when I say goodbye to my colleagues at my current school. Like my graduates, there "ain't no stoppin'" me either from this point on.
I'll keep you updated on my summer as it unfolds....
So, a lot has happened in two weeks.
My surgery went well, I am happy to report. I have spent the last two weeks recovering. No weird side effects. My follow-up appointment is this Monday, and I expect that he will tell me that everything has healed nicely. The real test will be when my cycle comes around. The pain (or lack thereof) will tell the true tale.
Actually, I have been pushing myself a little bit more physically in these last two weeks. Both N and I have been really active the last few weekends, what with Father's Day, the Jill Scott/Musiq concert, the Cassandra Wilson Central Park Summerstage concert under the stars (awesome because I have a friend who has V.I.P. access), and our regular end-of-the-week "date nights."
This has also been the last two weeks of school, which at my current school means TONS of trips. We've gone to a picnic in the park, a trip to the Museum of Natural History (read: walking, walking, and more walking!). We went to Club Getaway, where we (both students and I) bungee jumped, did the zip line swing between trees, rock climbed and then had the nerve to have a dance party! I finally "chicken noodle souped" for my kids. They lost it!!! :) I honestly think that they think we teachers sleep in the closets at work at the end of the day and come back out in the morning only to teach them.
The graduation and prom were both yesterday as well. It was a wonderful day. There is nothing like having the graduating class at a school. So far, I have helped to orchestrate numerous graduations as a veteran teacher of seniormost students in schools. When I finally saw my kids all together in their caps and gowns, I felt that familiar June tug at my heart. It finally hit me--They're graduates. I have to let my babies go! In fact, my 6th grade is the first class to have started from Kindergarten at the charter school where I work. So, in essence, they really were the first graduating class at the school. And, fittingly enough, to end the graduation, they sang "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now" by McFadden & Whitehead.
So now that it's all over, I sit here in my jammies and my kerchief, thinking about my own fate this summer. I will hopefully be teaching in Brooklyn next year, and I won't be making many trips to Harlem after this week save for my great braid stylist at Turning Heads Salon. As has been the case several years in a row before now, my life and my career will take a new turn when I say goodbye to my colleagues at my current school. Like my graduates, there "ain't no stoppin'" me either from this point on.
I'll keep you updated on my summer as it unfolds....
6.07.2007
Here's The Day. . .
Today is the day of my surgery. I am a little nervous, but I know it has to be done. I am thankful that I will have my fiance N (remember him? :) ) at my side all day. I also have my dad coming to pick us up from the hospital later on today. I have a feeling that despite the recovery and "stepping down" time (where they give you juice, a cookie, and ask, "Are you okaaaaaay?"), I will still be a little woozy.
All of this talk of uterine health hearkens my thoughts to my overall health. In presurgical testing, they weigh you, take your blood, your height and ask you all types of questions. A whole litany of questions... Do you smoke, do you drink, do drugs, etc? Any heart conditions, arthritis, cancer, asthma? ... to name a few.
Wow I thought. I don't even have half of these things wrong with me. Aside from a little heartburn and the ongoing saga that is my battle with weight gain, I'm okay. I guess I can at least be thankful that there aren't more health issues to contend with.
N has been a rock throughout the whole thing. He has been there to console me when I've cried (and I've cried a lot about this in these last few weeks), and to reassure me that everything will be fine.
Yet, still in those dark waking hours, when I am awake by myself, the thoughts and fears about today come back. And, I have been able to "talk myself down" from the ledge of the deep end. I've realized over the years that it's in my nature to take everything to the Nth degree, always imagining that worst-case scenario. Having someone very close to me, saying "it'll be okay" helps. Being aware of the behavior and identifying it doesn't hurt either.
It's 7:47 a.m.
4 hours and 13 minutes to go until I go under the knife. I'll be back tomorrow to report the details.
Chill Till Next Time,
J
Today is the day of my surgery. I am a little nervous, but I know it has to be done. I am thankful that I will have my fiance N (remember him? :) ) at my side all day. I also have my dad coming to pick us up from the hospital later on today. I have a feeling that despite the recovery and "stepping down" time (where they give you juice, a cookie, and ask, "Are you okaaaaaay?"), I will still be a little woozy.
All of this talk of uterine health hearkens my thoughts to my overall health. In presurgical testing, they weigh you, take your blood, your height and ask you all types of questions. A whole litany of questions... Do you smoke, do you drink, do drugs, etc? Any heart conditions, arthritis, cancer, asthma? ... to name a few.
Wow I thought. I don't even have half of these things wrong with me. Aside from a little heartburn and the ongoing saga that is my battle with weight gain, I'm okay. I guess I can at least be thankful that there aren't more health issues to contend with.
N has been a rock throughout the whole thing. He has been there to console me when I've cried (and I've cried a lot about this in these last few weeks), and to reassure me that everything will be fine.
Yet, still in those dark waking hours, when I am awake by myself, the thoughts and fears about today come back. And, I have been able to "talk myself down" from the ledge of the deep end. I've realized over the years that it's in my nature to take everything to the Nth degree, always imagining that worst-case scenario. Having someone very close to me, saying "it'll be okay" helps. Being aware of the behavior and identifying it doesn't hurt either.
It's 7:47 a.m.
4 hours and 13 minutes to go until I go under the knife. I'll be back tomorrow to report the details.
Chill Till Next Time,
J
5.15.2007
I'm here...
I am back in New York. I am teaching again. I am about to begin planning my wedding which has been pushed to May 2008. I am in my new apartment which is almost furnished again.
I'm worried that I won't be able to have kids. I went to the doctor, and he found "polyps" in my uterus....I'm worried that if I can't have children, I can kiss my relationship goodbye....it is one of the main reasons we'd like to get married. I don't think not having kids with this man is an option....
Moreover, given the history with my mother (she died of ovarian cancer), I'm worried that this is the start of my journey down the same damned road.
I'm scared...I just wish someone would understand that. If I don't talk to someone about this fast....I feel like I'm going to explode!!!
I am back in New York. I am teaching again. I am about to begin planning my wedding which has been pushed to May 2008. I am in my new apartment which is almost furnished again.
I'm worried that I won't be able to have kids. I went to the doctor, and he found "polyps" in my uterus....I'm worried that if I can't have children, I can kiss my relationship goodbye....it is one of the main reasons we'd like to get married. I don't think not having kids with this man is an option....
Moreover, given the history with my mother (she died of ovarian cancer), I'm worried that this is the start of my journey down the same damned road.
I'm scared...I just wish someone would understand that. If I don't talk to someone about this fast....I feel like I'm going to explode!!!
8.06.2006
depressing...
just feeling like everything i do is becoming a mess. my life feels like it's on a downhill slide. i am doing everything that i can, but i still feel like i'm not doing enough. what else can i do to keep from completely ruining my life further?
i am back in NYC, and that was supposed to make things better. but, it didn't really. i'm just around family and friends who can now witness my depression and downward spiral.
i can't really use PA or my relationship being too clingy as an excuse.
in a city with so many diversions and attractions and things to get into, i am STILL cooped up in an apartment doing nothing to further myself. i'm just here....existing.
how do i stop imprisoning myself? can anybody help me?
just feeling like everything i do is becoming a mess. my life feels like it's on a downhill slide. i am doing everything that i can, but i still feel like i'm not doing enough. what else can i do to keep from completely ruining my life further?
i am back in NYC, and that was supposed to make things better. but, it didn't really. i'm just around family and friends who can now witness my depression and downward spiral.
i can't really use PA or my relationship being too clingy as an excuse.
in a city with so many diversions and attractions and things to get into, i am STILL cooped up in an apartment doing nothing to further myself. i'm just here....existing.
how do i stop imprisoning myself? can anybody help me?
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