the update...
well, it (once again) has been quite a grip since i've posted on here. . .
Life right now, is, well, wonderful. With all of the things I have going on (and there's always a lot), I can say that I am truly thankful to have a life so full of love, family and meaning. I realize that there are many who just don't have that. Where do I begin???
...the wedding
planning is going well for the wedding. i mean, damn. we have had 2 years and some change to get all of the details together, haven't we? we are just finishing the process of securing all of the services (except the limousines, flowers and the honeymoon)...all of the rest at this point is feeling like gravy by comparison. i just didn't realize how expensive our little wedding would be! it's hard to remember all of the details, even for a thorough planner like me. who can remember auntie this one and that one or cousin so-and-so and what's-his-face from work for the invitation purposes. so, N and I are deftly straddling that etiquette fence between doing what's expected of all brides and grooms and doing things our way. but, even with all of the costs and the endless array of things to remember and plan for, I am still incredibly jazzed about our big day. we are party people, so you can imagine that this wedding is going to be some shindig!
...the gym
i've been going to the gym with N y'all! it has been great for us to join the Y together. did you know city employees get a discount? i pay 40 bucks/month for myself and N!!! anywho, our Y is a state-of-the-art exercise and activity complex, and there are lots of things to do. with the help of a trainer (free), we do cardiovascular and strength training workouts. i love that the members come in all shapes and sizes....the meat market musclefest element is not there at the Y. everyone is there, honestly trying to achieve some level of fitness...after the wedding i'd like to look into the swimming classes (yeah, i'm one of those city kids who never learned!)....i have been so much more energized since i started going....i have to get my butt in gear and drag it in there, especially after the big Thanksgorging holiday!!!
...the teaching
teaching is wonderful! of course, with any teaching gig, comes the usual causes of my weekly headaches: the shiftless co-worker who's there for a paycheck, that undiagnosed AD/HD kid who just won't sit still during the mini-lesson, and the million and one things to do in one school day. however, this is one time when i can say that they admins are allllllright. i never thought i'd be in a situation like this, but i thank the Creator that i am. one admin is a former co-worker from my first school, and like everything she does, she is no joke at her job. that's one of the main reasons why i wanted to teach at her school--she knows her shit, folks. and, because of that, there are many forces at work in our school. many of my co-workers are threatened by her gender or her race or even her age (she's on the younger side), and that manifests itself in many different ways on our staff. i can't believe the time some folks take in trying to sabotage her for these reasons. if these co-workers spent the time it takes to try and get her in trouble on their own pedagogy, we'd have an all-star cast of teachers. they hate the fact that she really is there for the kids first and foremost. teachers keeping the school from putting the children first---sounds backward, doesn't it? well, the lesson I've learned in education if nothing else, is that you can't make the truths of public education up, however sad and unbelievable they might be...
On another note, I'm fortunate enough to have met some wonderful fellow educators here as well. It also doesn't hurt that my class is relatively small (14 kids!)... I've also been fortunate to have a few extra per-session jobs to help out financially with the wedding...N is being so supportive about it all...he cooks dinner on the nights I come home late, does his and my share of the housework when he knows I'm exhausted. He is already being what I consider a wonderful husband!!!
...the life with N
my life with N is great. i can't imagine where i'd be without him. i have grown so much as a person since we met. we have argued and fought about zillions of things, but there's a strong foundation underneath all of it...and that's what I come back to each time. I recently shared this concept with a girlfriend of mine who is now living with her man. She'd having a hard time adjusting to sharing her space. She finds herself arguing with him about the smallest, though not insignificant things. I shared with her that we argue from time to time, too. However, the difference is that instead of just throwing in the towel, that foundation of love that we have for each other brings me back to a place of sticking with it and making it work. The "fights" are always in some way about us wanting to make happiness possible in every way. We both are continually learning how to communicate better with each other as a result. This love we have has found a home inside both of us, and neither one of us ever wants to let that go...so I'm incredibly happy to be with him.
For now, that's all there is...but it's enough. I have some ideas for the future, but until then, I'm still working, teaching, and loving hard...and enjoying it...
Blessings,
J
11.25.2007
9.22.2007
new school year, same stuff...
i just wanted to quickly update my blog. here's the newest information:
i just wanted to quickly update my blog. here's the newest information:
- still engaged to be married getting all of the initial details out of the way this fall (bridal party meets each other, what businesses will be performing what services during the wedding, etc.)
- just started a new school year i'm in brooklyn teaching 4th grade, and i'm working at a friend's school...this is an interesting dynamic which i will report more on later...
- not much else... well, there is...but i'll say more when i can.
6.30.2007
good, but something's missing. . . .
So, i went to the New Edition concert yesterday at the Beacon Theatre here in New York City. KC and JoJo opened for them and everything, y'all!
The concert was good, but there was no Ralph Tresvant and (not surprisingly) no Bobby Brown. As a true NE fan, I have to admit I was saddened to see this. It took me a while to come back around at that concert, people!
Nevertheless, the remaining four (Ronny, Ricky, Mike and Johnny) really gave it their all. Even they were worried about performing with out all of the members, specifically Ralph. But after the crowd cheered them on, they were feeling good about performing. "Damn, y'all making us feel like Ralph and Bobby are here with us!!!" remarked one of the NE members in between sets.
N didn't understand how I felt about the frontman being absent. I mean, every girl who was about 8 or 10 years old when NE hit the scene should know how I feel. I had a little bit of NE Heartbreak for a minute! Aside from that, I paid a hefty price for the tickets and the seats were wonderful! I could make out their faces for once. To not have all of them there made me feel a little jipped!
But, their individual group and solo songs were the smelling salts I needed. I mean, how can a girl not feel better when you've got BBD singing "Tell me when will I see you smile again/'Cause I know I messed up baaayyyybay/And I know you're fed up sugahhh." Johnny came and did his thing with a few of his solo hits as well. I'd never turn down "My, My, My, My, My, My, Myyyyyy/You sure look goood tonight...."
Throw in a little impromptu mini-tribute to Gerald Levert, and you've got a pretty good show.
So, on the morning after, I feel good about having seen one of my favorite groups ever. I hope I can see them altogether again. They're coming out with an album, they said. Maybe I'll get to see them when they go on tour....
So, i went to the New Edition concert yesterday at the Beacon Theatre here in New York City. KC and JoJo opened for them and everything, y'all!
The concert was good, but there was no Ralph Tresvant and (not surprisingly) no Bobby Brown. As a true NE fan, I have to admit I was saddened to see this. It took me a while to come back around at that concert, people!
Nevertheless, the remaining four (Ronny, Ricky, Mike and Johnny) really gave it their all. Even they were worried about performing with out all of the members, specifically Ralph. But after the crowd cheered them on, they were feeling good about performing. "Damn, y'all making us feel like Ralph and Bobby are here with us!!!" remarked one of the NE members in between sets.
N didn't understand how I felt about the frontman being absent. I mean, every girl who was about 8 or 10 years old when NE hit the scene should know how I feel. I had a little bit of NE Heartbreak for a minute! Aside from that, I paid a hefty price for the tickets and the seats were wonderful! I could make out their faces for once. To not have all of them there made me feel a little jipped!
But, their individual group and solo songs were the smelling salts I needed. I mean, how can a girl not feel better when you've got BBD singing "Tell me when will I see you smile again/'Cause I know I messed up baaayyyybay/And I know you're fed up sugahhh." Johnny came and did his thing with a few of his solo hits as well. I'd never turn down "My, My, My, My, My, My, Myyyyyy/You sure look goood tonight...."
Throw in a little impromptu mini-tribute to Gerald Levert, and you've got a pretty good show.
So, on the morning after, I feel good about having seen one of my favorite groups ever. I hope I can see them altogether again. They're coming out with an album, they said. Maybe I'll get to see them when they go on tour....
6.23.2007
a good time was had by all....
So, a lot has happened in two weeks.
My surgery went well, I am happy to report. I have spent the last two weeks recovering. No weird side effects. My follow-up appointment is this Monday, and I expect that he will tell me that everything has healed nicely. The real test will be when my cycle comes around. The pain (or lack thereof) will tell the true tale.
Actually, I have been pushing myself a little bit more physically in these last two weeks. Both N and I have been really active the last few weekends, what with Father's Day, the Jill Scott/Musiq concert, the Cassandra Wilson Central Park Summerstage concert under the stars (awesome because I have a friend who has V.I.P. access), and our regular end-of-the-week "date nights."
This has also been the last two weeks of school, which at my current school means TONS of trips. We've gone to a picnic in the park, a trip to the Museum of Natural History (read: walking, walking, and more walking!). We went to Club Getaway, where we (both students and I) bungee jumped, did the zip line swing between trees, rock climbed and then had the nerve to have a dance party! I finally "chicken noodle souped" for my kids. They lost it!!! :) I honestly think that they think we teachers sleep in the closets at work at the end of the day and come back out in the morning only to teach them.
The graduation and prom were both yesterday as well. It was a wonderful day. There is nothing like having the graduating class at a school. So far, I have helped to orchestrate numerous graduations as a veteran teacher of seniormost students in schools. When I finally saw my kids all together in their caps and gowns, I felt that familiar June tug at my heart. It finally hit me--They're graduates. I have to let my babies go! In fact, my 6th grade is the first class to have started from Kindergarten at the charter school where I work. So, in essence, they really were the first graduating class at the school. And, fittingly enough, to end the graduation, they sang "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now" by McFadden & Whitehead.
So now that it's all over, I sit here in my jammies and my kerchief, thinking about my own fate this summer. I will hopefully be teaching in Brooklyn next year, and I won't be making many trips to Harlem after this week save for my great braid stylist at Turning Heads Salon. As has been the case several years in a row before now, my life and my career will take a new turn when I say goodbye to my colleagues at my current school. Like my graduates, there "ain't no stoppin'" me either from this point on.
I'll keep you updated on my summer as it unfolds....
So, a lot has happened in two weeks.
My surgery went well, I am happy to report. I have spent the last two weeks recovering. No weird side effects. My follow-up appointment is this Monday, and I expect that he will tell me that everything has healed nicely. The real test will be when my cycle comes around. The pain (or lack thereof) will tell the true tale.
Actually, I have been pushing myself a little bit more physically in these last two weeks. Both N and I have been really active the last few weekends, what with Father's Day, the Jill Scott/Musiq concert, the Cassandra Wilson Central Park Summerstage concert under the stars (awesome because I have a friend who has V.I.P. access), and our regular end-of-the-week "date nights."
This has also been the last two weeks of school, which at my current school means TONS of trips. We've gone to a picnic in the park, a trip to the Museum of Natural History (read: walking, walking, and more walking!). We went to Club Getaway, where we (both students and I) bungee jumped, did the zip line swing between trees, rock climbed and then had the nerve to have a dance party! I finally "chicken noodle souped" for my kids. They lost it!!! :) I honestly think that they think we teachers sleep in the closets at work at the end of the day and come back out in the morning only to teach them.
The graduation and prom were both yesterday as well. It was a wonderful day. There is nothing like having the graduating class at a school. So far, I have helped to orchestrate numerous graduations as a veteran teacher of seniormost students in schools. When I finally saw my kids all together in their caps and gowns, I felt that familiar June tug at my heart. It finally hit me--They're graduates. I have to let my babies go! In fact, my 6th grade is the first class to have started from Kindergarten at the charter school where I work. So, in essence, they really were the first graduating class at the school. And, fittingly enough, to end the graduation, they sang "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now" by McFadden & Whitehead.
So now that it's all over, I sit here in my jammies and my kerchief, thinking about my own fate this summer. I will hopefully be teaching in Brooklyn next year, and I won't be making many trips to Harlem after this week save for my great braid stylist at Turning Heads Salon. As has been the case several years in a row before now, my life and my career will take a new turn when I say goodbye to my colleagues at my current school. Like my graduates, there "ain't no stoppin'" me either from this point on.
I'll keep you updated on my summer as it unfolds....
6.07.2007
Here's The Day. . .
Today is the day of my surgery. I am a little nervous, but I know it has to be done. I am thankful that I will have my fiance N (remember him? :) ) at my side all day. I also have my dad coming to pick us up from the hospital later on today. I have a feeling that despite the recovery and "stepping down" time (where they give you juice, a cookie, and ask, "Are you okaaaaaay?"), I will still be a little woozy.
All of this talk of uterine health hearkens my thoughts to my overall health. In presurgical testing, they weigh you, take your blood, your height and ask you all types of questions. A whole litany of questions... Do you smoke, do you drink, do drugs, etc? Any heart conditions, arthritis, cancer, asthma? ... to name a few.
Wow I thought. I don't even have half of these things wrong with me. Aside from a little heartburn and the ongoing saga that is my battle with weight gain, I'm okay. I guess I can at least be thankful that there aren't more health issues to contend with.
N has been a rock throughout the whole thing. He has been there to console me when I've cried (and I've cried a lot about this in these last few weeks), and to reassure me that everything will be fine.
Yet, still in those dark waking hours, when I am awake by myself, the thoughts and fears about today come back. And, I have been able to "talk myself down" from the ledge of the deep end. I've realized over the years that it's in my nature to take everything to the Nth degree, always imagining that worst-case scenario. Having someone very close to me, saying "it'll be okay" helps. Being aware of the behavior and identifying it doesn't hurt either.
It's 7:47 a.m.
4 hours and 13 minutes to go until I go under the knife. I'll be back tomorrow to report the details.
Chill Till Next Time,
J
Today is the day of my surgery. I am a little nervous, but I know it has to be done. I am thankful that I will have my fiance N (remember him? :) ) at my side all day. I also have my dad coming to pick us up from the hospital later on today. I have a feeling that despite the recovery and "stepping down" time (where they give you juice, a cookie, and ask, "Are you okaaaaaay?"), I will still be a little woozy.
All of this talk of uterine health hearkens my thoughts to my overall health. In presurgical testing, they weigh you, take your blood, your height and ask you all types of questions. A whole litany of questions... Do you smoke, do you drink, do drugs, etc? Any heart conditions, arthritis, cancer, asthma? ... to name a few.
Wow I thought. I don't even have half of these things wrong with me. Aside from a little heartburn and the ongoing saga that is my battle with weight gain, I'm okay. I guess I can at least be thankful that there aren't more health issues to contend with.
N has been a rock throughout the whole thing. He has been there to console me when I've cried (and I've cried a lot about this in these last few weeks), and to reassure me that everything will be fine.
Yet, still in those dark waking hours, when I am awake by myself, the thoughts and fears about today come back. And, I have been able to "talk myself down" from the ledge of the deep end. I've realized over the years that it's in my nature to take everything to the Nth degree, always imagining that worst-case scenario. Having someone very close to me, saying "it'll be okay" helps. Being aware of the behavior and identifying it doesn't hurt either.
It's 7:47 a.m.
4 hours and 13 minutes to go until I go under the knife. I'll be back tomorrow to report the details.
Chill Till Next Time,
J
5.15.2007
I'm here...
I am back in New York. I am teaching again. I am about to begin planning my wedding which has been pushed to May 2008. I am in my new apartment which is almost furnished again.
I'm worried that I won't be able to have kids. I went to the doctor, and he found "polyps" in my uterus....I'm worried that if I can't have children, I can kiss my relationship goodbye....it is one of the main reasons we'd like to get married. I don't think not having kids with this man is an option....
Moreover, given the history with my mother (she died of ovarian cancer), I'm worried that this is the start of my journey down the same damned road.
I'm scared...I just wish someone would understand that. If I don't talk to someone about this fast....I feel like I'm going to explode!!!
I am back in New York. I am teaching again. I am about to begin planning my wedding which has been pushed to May 2008. I am in my new apartment which is almost furnished again.
I'm worried that I won't be able to have kids. I went to the doctor, and he found "polyps" in my uterus....I'm worried that if I can't have children, I can kiss my relationship goodbye....it is one of the main reasons we'd like to get married. I don't think not having kids with this man is an option....
Moreover, given the history with my mother (she died of ovarian cancer), I'm worried that this is the start of my journey down the same damned road.
I'm scared...I just wish someone would understand that. If I don't talk to someone about this fast....I feel like I'm going to explode!!!
8.06.2006
depressing...
just feeling like everything i do is becoming a mess. my life feels like it's on a downhill slide. i am doing everything that i can, but i still feel like i'm not doing enough. what else can i do to keep from completely ruining my life further?
i am back in NYC, and that was supposed to make things better. but, it didn't really. i'm just around family and friends who can now witness my depression and downward spiral.
i can't really use PA or my relationship being too clingy as an excuse.
in a city with so many diversions and attractions and things to get into, i am STILL cooped up in an apartment doing nothing to further myself. i'm just here....existing.
how do i stop imprisoning myself? can anybody help me?
just feeling like everything i do is becoming a mess. my life feels like it's on a downhill slide. i am doing everything that i can, but i still feel like i'm not doing enough. what else can i do to keep from completely ruining my life further?
i am back in NYC, and that was supposed to make things better. but, it didn't really. i'm just around family and friends who can now witness my depression and downward spiral.
i can't really use PA or my relationship being too clingy as an excuse.
in a city with so many diversions and attractions and things to get into, i am STILL cooped up in an apartment doing nothing to further myself. i'm just here....existing.
how do i stop imprisoning myself? can anybody help me?
2.28.2006
isn't it ironic? don't ya think?
for a good chunk of February, i have been sick: yacking up things unimaginable or long since forgotten, sneezing, coughing and the final straw: i have lost my voice.
i haven't been able to talk to anyone about anything, without using hand signals or getting at least one "whadjya say?" thrown into the conversational mix. I mean, it's about an octave higher than that of Mickey Mouse for Christ's sake.
i just hope it's not bronchitis again. i had it about a year ago this time, and it's horrible! it feels like somebody is sitting on your chest, and there's a cough, an annoying cough.
ANYWAY, let me stop because i could go on and on and on about how bad i feel. . .but i'll spare you the details...it's one of those "ya had to be there" moments anyway.
my relationship however has reached a new level....even though we're engaged to be married and have been since august 2005. and, i thought that we couldn't get any more committed than that. engagement is the top rung of the relationship ladder, ain't it? i was wrong. for some reason that defies any explanation i could rightly give, N and i are closer than ever, "talking" about things we never have before.
since N and I have been engaged, we have had some of our most memorable and loving moments. it has also, however, been peppered with some of the ugliest and most bitter fights we've ever had. it was just about a 10:5 ratio.
for every kind thing we said to each other, there was a snarky, smart-assed comment from me or a thoughtless aloof action from him.
but since Valentine's Day, we've been talking more. the more of my voice i lost, the more we communicated. and finally on sunday, when my voice reached it's lowest point (aka no voice whatsoever), N and i had a breakthrough. i told him things that no one knows about me. i expressed my fears and my frustrations in a way that he totally got. he told me things too. things i had never heard him say aloud. hey, maybe he has said them, but i just wasn't listening? distracted by the sound of my own thoughts. my own feelings and opinions. my voice.
by some twist of fate (or by working around germy kids all day--you take your pick here), losing my voice helped me to really hear the man i love completely for the first time. it's showing me that i always knew anyway--communicating love to someone resonates more when it's beyond just talk.
for a good chunk of February, i have been sick: yacking up things unimaginable or long since forgotten, sneezing, coughing and the final straw: i have lost my voice.
i haven't been able to talk to anyone about anything, without using hand signals or getting at least one "whadjya say?" thrown into the conversational mix. I mean, it's about an octave higher than that of Mickey Mouse for Christ's sake.
i just hope it's not bronchitis again. i had it about a year ago this time, and it's horrible! it feels like somebody is sitting on your chest, and there's a cough, an annoying cough.
ANYWAY, let me stop because i could go on and on and on about how bad i feel. . .but i'll spare you the details...it's one of those "ya had to be there" moments anyway.
my relationship however has reached a new level....even though we're engaged to be married and have been since august 2005. and, i thought that we couldn't get any more committed than that. engagement is the top rung of the relationship ladder, ain't it? i was wrong. for some reason that defies any explanation i could rightly give, N and i are closer than ever, "talking" about things we never have before.
since N and I have been engaged, we have had some of our most memorable and loving moments. it has also, however, been peppered with some of the ugliest and most bitter fights we've ever had. it was just about a 10:5 ratio.
for every kind thing we said to each other, there was a snarky, smart-assed comment from me or a thoughtless aloof action from him.
but since Valentine's Day, we've been talking more. the more of my voice i lost, the more we communicated. and finally on sunday, when my voice reached it's lowest point (aka no voice whatsoever), N and i had a breakthrough. i told him things that no one knows about me. i expressed my fears and my frustrations in a way that he totally got. he told me things too. things i had never heard him say aloud. hey, maybe he has said them, but i just wasn't listening? distracted by the sound of my own thoughts. my own feelings and opinions. my voice.
i have been doing a lot more listening now that my physical voice is quieted. because i have no voice, i have to whisper. N has been whispering right along with me, purely out of conditioning i suppose (try talking to someone who is whispering to you....and you'll see what i mean). but on a more tacit level, he has calmed down in his demeanor. he is more thoughtful in the words he is using with me. his actions have purpose. his every move, pregnant with meaning... there's something almost zen about it all.
by some twist of fate (or by working around germy kids all day--you take your pick here), losing my voice helped me to really hear the man i love completely for the first time. it's showing me that i always knew anyway--communicating love to someone resonates more when it's beyond just talk.
1.20.2006
clear...sad, but clear.....
so....with the new year, as always, i get revelations on the true nature of this world, and the people in it. yet i, like a do-do, continue to ignore all of the signs.
what do you do when you're in a "situation," and there's really not much you can do about it? i will wait. bide my time, and wait it out.
i have been making some changes so far, for the good. they finally know who i am here in PA. that's a good thing i guess. it'll make my life a little more bearable. i have finally let go of NYC as my home. PA is my home now. why does that make me sad?
i learned that my job is a situation that i don't want to be in. i love teaching, and i miss it so much. i am most happy when i am interacting with the children. the adults, are a bunch of idiots, save for a few guided souls who are living examined lives. thank god for them. i'd go crazy otherwise, you know? you need that person you can turn to and say, "is it just me or....."
my living situation is, well, not. i can't honestly call what i am doing, living. i see life around me, and this ain't it. i have let my life deteriorate since i left nyc. can't blame it on the surroundings...i've had opportunities to live....i just haven't taken them. i've been living someone else's life. my friends here have made numerous attempts at helping me get into the social scene here. and i, stuck in a rut, say, "no, i have to go home." to do what? damn if i know what i've been doing with the last six months of my life.
i have serious weight issues....even more serious than i neurosied about in the past. i am at an all-time-high weight of 235 pounds. That would be cool if i were 6 feet 6 inches....but damn my short parents (they always get blamed, huh?)!!!! I'm only 5'4". Yes, i'm short and quite round. my knees hurt, my back aches, and heartburn is a daily battle for me. i huff and puff when i hit only a few flights of stairs....i'm a veritable beast! i have a year and 4 months to turn it around...hopefully in a healthy way...
so, yeah, things are clear...sad, but clear. things are out of control.
well, at least i made a little progress. i went to the dmv to get my pic taken for my ID today (damn i look like a pudgy mess in that pic!). "you wanna take it again ma'am or you want this pic?," said the wheelchair-bound dmv employee. he was kinder than any dmv folk i ever came across.. but the mortified look on my face would have told him that i wanted neither, even if i hadn't choked out an "it's fine," at the sight of the pic. Ay! that pic! it's akin only to the proverbial "buried neck high in sh*t, with a pail of snot or vice versa..." i couldn't win either way today....
like i said tho, i made a little progress. at least it's done....that's a major accomplishment for a procrastinator like me...
so....with the new year, as always, i get revelations on the true nature of this world, and the people in it. yet i, like a do-do, continue to ignore all of the signs.
what do you do when you're in a "situation," and there's really not much you can do about it? i will wait. bide my time, and wait it out.
i have been making some changes so far, for the good. they finally know who i am here in PA. that's a good thing i guess. it'll make my life a little more bearable. i have finally let go of NYC as my home. PA is my home now. why does that make me sad?
i learned that my job is a situation that i don't want to be in. i love teaching, and i miss it so much. i am most happy when i am interacting with the children. the adults, are a bunch of idiots, save for a few guided souls who are living examined lives. thank god for them. i'd go crazy otherwise, you know? you need that person you can turn to and say, "is it just me or....."
my living situation is, well, not. i can't honestly call what i am doing, living. i see life around me, and this ain't it. i have let my life deteriorate since i left nyc. can't blame it on the surroundings...i've had opportunities to live....i just haven't taken them. i've been living someone else's life. my friends here have made numerous attempts at helping me get into the social scene here. and i, stuck in a rut, say, "no, i have to go home." to do what? damn if i know what i've been doing with the last six months of my life.
i have serious weight issues....even more serious than i neurosied about in the past. i am at an all-time-high weight of 235 pounds. That would be cool if i were 6 feet 6 inches....but damn my short parents (they always get blamed, huh?)!!!! I'm only 5'4". Yes, i'm short and quite round. my knees hurt, my back aches, and heartburn is a daily battle for me. i huff and puff when i hit only a few flights of stairs....i'm a veritable beast! i have a year and 4 months to turn it around...hopefully in a healthy way...
so, yeah, things are clear...sad, but clear. things are out of control.
well, at least i made a little progress. i went to the dmv to get my pic taken for my ID today (damn i look like a pudgy mess in that pic!). "you wanna take it again ma'am or you want this pic?," said the wheelchair-bound dmv employee. he was kinder than any dmv folk i ever came across.. but the mortified look on my face would have told him that i wanted neither, even if i hadn't choked out an "it's fine," at the sight of the pic. Ay! that pic! it's akin only to the proverbial "buried neck high in sh*t, with a pail of snot or vice versa..." i couldn't win either way today....
like i said tho, i made a little progress. at least it's done....that's a major accomplishment for a procrastinator like me...
12.22.2005
12.15.2005
so, i says, "mabel..."
i get a call from my dad the other day to tell me that he has an announcement to make at his girlfriend's "holiday" party this Saturday.
i wish i could lie and say i wonder what it will be. i think he's going to marry her. but why am i pissed? shouldn't i be happy like i've been saying all along about their relationship? there i go being human again, because damn if i didn't feel betrayed, crying into my fiance's arms. what's my problem?
is she trying to be my mother? no. but i still feel like he's casting her aside for this, this "woman." it's confusing. i can remember being happy that they were together....i want daddy to be happy. but...i don't like her.
did i even give her a chance? ever? really?
i'll find out on Saturday. yeah, i started not to go because i didn't want to hear it. but that's childish, and i know it. i can be a big girl and withstand some holiday cheer for a few hours in Cherry Hill. ugh.
Creator help me!
i get a call from my dad the other day to tell me that he has an announcement to make at his girlfriend's "holiday" party this Saturday.
i wish i could lie and say i wonder what it will be. i think he's going to marry her. but why am i pissed? shouldn't i be happy like i've been saying all along about their relationship? there i go being human again, because damn if i didn't feel betrayed, crying into my fiance's arms. what's my problem?
is she trying to be my mother? no. but i still feel like he's casting her aside for this, this "woman." it's confusing. i can remember being happy that they were together....i want daddy to be happy. but...i don't like her.
did i even give her a chance? ever? really?
i'll find out on Saturday. yeah, i started not to go because i didn't want to hear it. but that's childish, and i know it. i can be a big girl and withstand some holiday cheer for a few hours in Cherry Hill. ugh.
Creator help me!
it's been a while....
how can i even begin to update you on everything? all i know is that i miss blogging to ya. i miss writing like my own rib, man. it's been hard dealing with this and not posting it.
here goes:
how can i even begin to update you on everything? all i know is that i miss blogging to ya. i miss writing like my own rib, man. it's been hard dealing with this and not posting it.
here goes:
- engaged!!! yes. that i am. i am engaged to my boyfriend N of one year and some change. i could never have told you that this would have happened for us. it's amazing. the wedding is may 2007 in NYC.
- moved. i'm no longer in brooklyn, now in pa. suburban pa. it's quiet, oft maddening, but peaceful since i'm here with my fiance.
- new job. i am no longer teaching (directly). i'm an academic counselor now. however, that (i see now) is a mistake. more later.
so i'm in the midst of planning a wedding, getting used to new digs and my new living partner (haven't really had one since college), and realizing some really crazy things about my new workspace.
me, needing to blog? desperately. everyday. to keep me sane. hopefully.
1.04.2005
Ever?
Ever just feel like your on the brink, the very edge of something great?
I'm feeling like that lately....like I'm going through lots of mental anguish and struggle right now because something really good for me is right around the corner...
Take away fear, and I've probably got it already....
J
Ever just feel like your on the brink, the very edge of something great?
I'm feeling like that lately....like I'm going through lots of mental anguish and struggle right now because something really good for me is right around the corner...
Take away fear, and I've probably got it already....
J
12.20.2004
Serious Fire...
...under my ass. That's what I need. In the next month or two, I will be taking some drastic steps to make myself accountable. Yes, sad as it may sound, I need to threaten myself into successes, people. Hell, by hook or by crook, I am determined to get there and not just excuse my way through things.
Be back soon, when I have some substantial news to report.
Blessings,
J
...under my ass. That's what I need. In the next month or two, I will be taking some drastic steps to make myself accountable. Yes, sad as it may sound, I need to threaten myself into successes, people. Hell, by hook or by crook, I am determined to get there and not just excuse my way through things.
Be back soon, when I have some substantial news to report.
Blessings,
J
11.29.2004
New Things
I have been doing well. It's the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and I made it through to tell about it.
Things are not so much better as they are clearer for me these days.
I have to make a final decision on what it is that I really want. When you have some really special things going for you in life, it makes all the bullshit just fall to the wayside. You clear away all the mess just to get there, you know?
I'm at another stage (finally realizing these things are cyclical) of clearing in my life. It comes in the form of celebration, and symbolically enough on the cusp of 30-dom. Isn't that fitting.
I've come to some realizations. Some things that I have noticed about life.
Somethings I'm Noticing about My Life (and Others)
Life is all about these turning points...at least mine is anyway.
I am about to embark on a whole other stage of my life. But, before I go from this one, I've got some things to finish and clear up.
That's all for now...
Blessings,
J
I have been doing well. It's the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and I made it through to tell about it.
Things are not so much better as they are clearer for me these days.
I have to make a final decision on what it is that I really want. When you have some really special things going for you in life, it makes all the bullshit just fall to the wayside. You clear away all the mess just to get there, you know?
I'm at another stage (finally realizing these things are cyclical) of clearing in my life. It comes in the form of celebration, and symbolically enough on the cusp of 30-dom. Isn't that fitting.
I've come to some realizations. Some things that I have noticed about life.
Somethings I'm Noticing about My Life (and Others)
Life is all about these turning points...at least mine is anyway.
I am about to embark on a whole other stage of my life. But, before I go from this one, I've got some things to finish and clear up.
- Not everything is meant to last forever, friendships included. People's places in your life can change and in some cases even diminish... and if you are realistic, they should. Accept it.
- You are in situations you are in because you need to be there at that time in your life. Subconsciously, we create these situations that we need. There is a point to where you are in life. Only after you realize the lesson, realizing that you've been here before, does leaving a situation come easily.
- Life is cyclical in many ways. Until you learn from certain things, you will repeat those things and feelings and situations until you get it, finally.
- Do it for your own reasons...whatever it is. There is no regret when you conviction is strong and truly your own.
- You can't escape life, and call yourself living it. It is an empty existence. You replace real life with material things, certain kinds of people perhaps even vices to escape what your life is. . .to not deal with those questions life has stirred in you. Stop running. Face those questions. Seek and learn those answers. It's our very purpose in life. Period.
- Once you've left one cycle, it's hard to go back it. You can't will yourself back into a cycle of life you have left already. Sometimes we try to do it to relive old times or to re-connect with a feeling, people or situations that made us feel comfortable...ones with which we are familiar. As time passes, so must we, into things that are meant for us.
That's all for now...
Blessings,
J
11.23.2004
Alone
Raw, aching
yet i feel nothing
maybe i ache because i want to feel
something instead
i am
shut down shut out
and alone
alone to deal with it all
on my own
i hate depending on others
don't know how or what for
always get it wrong somehow
lean when i shouldn't lean
hold back when i should
give freely
my wires are crossed
i don't work like everyone else
so that leaves me alone
alone to hold it
to cry
to scream bloody hell
to vent
to tell my secrets
to the air
to blank muted walls
no one wants to get that deep
stay on the surface where it's safe
and you can stay blind to what's real
don't get too involved
you might actually have to
feel
know
realize
i don't have the luxury of going through life
leaving it untouched, unexamined
i can't turn my head from pain
the ugly bitch forces my mind's eye back
to the truth
i can't
i won't
i will never
simply fit in.
so another one leaves me
alone
alone to feel know and realize
all on my own
Raw, aching
yet i feel nothing
maybe i ache because i want to feel
something instead
i am
shut down shut out
and alone
alone to deal with it all
on my own
i hate depending on others
don't know how or what for
always get it wrong somehow
lean when i shouldn't lean
hold back when i should
give freely
my wires are crossed
i don't work like everyone else
so that leaves me alone
alone to hold it
to cry
to scream bloody hell
to vent
to tell my secrets
to the air
to blank muted walls
no one wants to get that deep
stay on the surface where it's safe
and you can stay blind to what's real
don't get too involved
you might actually have to
feel
know
realize
i don't have the luxury of going through life
leaving it untouched, unexamined
i can't turn my head from pain
the ugly bitch forces my mind's eye back
to the truth
i can't
i won't
i will never
simply fit in.
so another one leaves me
alone
alone to feel know and realize
all on my own
10.10.2004
On Fire...
It's been a while.
It's been a while.
This school year has been crazy. I am currently looking at all of my options. I realize now (again) what I've known for a long time now. In order for me to thrive, I cannot stay in my current environment. I have expressed it on this blog before, and my feelings are no different. Only thing is, the bitter reality of this school system has jumped up and slapped me in the face, removing any doubts I had about leaving. The urgency of this situation is fast on my heels, keeping me true to my word, whether I like it or not.
I'm also plunging into foreverness with N. I love our relationship. It seems like I've known him for all my life. It helps to know he's got my back, even in the face of all of the drama this school year has brought so far. The dysfunction of my school often leaves me a quivering mess by the end of a school day. But I always know I at least have N to talk to, to complain to, to cry to...he is my refuge from it all.
I've been talking to one of my best friends, and she also has things she wants to do with her life too. So, I set up kind of a mini-support group with her. We will email each other every week, telling each other about the progress we've made towards our goals. I need desperately to keep myself accountable....to trick myself into success if need be, damn it! It feels good to be able to connect with another creative soul like her. I feel better every time I talk to her, and I believe she feels the same about me. She inspires me to do what I have to do....I want to see us live the lives we always dreamed and talked about when we were in college. . .so talking to her is a reminder of that sweeter time in my life...
So, ok. I'm off to fry some chicken and make some string beans, and mashed potatoes, before they get all stank and moldy.
Blessings,
J
8.27.2004
Back to the World
It's almost time for me to go back to school and teach the "chirren," as I like to call them with affection. I have so many thoughts and ideas swirling about in my head over here.
I can't wait to go back to my classroom and take a good look at what's happened since the summertime. Sad as it is to say, some colleagues of mine have sticky fingers and I could have been jacked of some of my stuff. Hopefully not.
I have so much schoolish stuff in my apartment right now. What was I thinking by bringing all of this paper and these books and things home? That I would actually do some schoolwork here at home? Funny! I have tried the same thing (doing school stuff in the house) for two years straight. And guess what? It never works! So, I might as well face that fact and haul all this crap...oops I MEAN, meaningful educational literature, back to my classrooom. Frankly, that's where it always belonged anyway.
I have a little fridge I'm taking with me, too. Just gotta clean it out. I can store my juices and water and lunch in there. Gotta keep that on the DL before folks come at me, trying to abuse my little perk.
Overall, I have to say I'm relieved that the summer is winding down. I look forward to this school year, since it will be the first I will experience without the graduate school courseload greeting me (and beating me down!) in the evenings. I'll be able to focus completely on the practical side of my teaching career. The doing of it--not the study of it--will be the only thing in the professional spotlight now.
But, I suppose it's more than that. Throughout my life this time of year, I always hearken back to returning to school, and everything that went along with it. I mean, of course like any kid, I was sad to see the summer go. But September, October and November always conjured a unique scent of new that hung in the backdrop, in the air throughout the season. Fall always represents this whole feeling of starting fresh, a feeling that you too could change just like the weather around you. . .I don't have to wait for that feeling in just the new year and spring anymore. The crisp autumn morning air and the crunch of brown fallen leaves under my feet....me walking towards the school with my little teacher cart overflowing with books and papers in tow. The faces of my new students...and the aroma (GOD, the aroma!) of the lunch "food" wafting through the first-floor hallways.
I can't wait.
blessings,
j
8.23.2004
Warm
This weekend was another good one. Filled with spontaneous trips out of town, a party, and plenty of good times with loved ones.This was one of those weekends filled with sweet, funny and beautiful moments that will be burned in my memory forever.
I feel empowered to move on with the things I have to do. I finally feel energized and re-powered for the school year ahead of me. I can't wait to get back to school and bond with my class, talk with my colleagues and enthrall myself into my career once again.
As I mentioned, I was given a party this weekend, a housewarming. My dad and my other family did a fantastic job pulling it all together. I am reminded and amazed at how wonderful the people in my family really are. I am so lucky to be surrounded by the love they have for me. I am so lucky to have people like that to love in my life. I've never partied that hard with my family. But I can't wait to do it again. If you have family, tell them you love them. You never know when these beautiful entities in your life will leave...
I also spent a lot of time with my new male friend, N. N was wonderful to me this weekend. I really see our relationship going quite far. As I have told him, there are so many things about him and I that just fit perfectly. So perfectly, it scares me sometimes. But, as much as I thought my love search was over, I realize that now that a man like N was just what I need. I would normally gush and say so much as if you were a long-time sista-friend with ears hungry for these kinds of details. But, what I've found is so special, so precious to me right now, that I don't want to cheapen it by telling my business like that. . .Yeah, this new man is that good, y'all.
Suffice it to say that I am happy, I feel blessed and I feel centered enough for the new schoolyear, because of all of the people and things that the Creator has seen fit to send my way this past summer.
I am on to the next phase of my life now. This one is filled with another set of goals which I am ready to accomplish. And I'll be attacking them with the same tenacity as I've attacked my goals in the past. You'll hear more about them in future posts.
Blessings!
J
This weekend was another good one. Filled with spontaneous trips out of town, a party, and plenty of good times with loved ones.This was one of those weekends filled with sweet, funny and beautiful moments that will be burned in my memory forever.
I feel empowered to move on with the things I have to do. I finally feel energized and re-powered for the school year ahead of me. I can't wait to get back to school and bond with my class, talk with my colleagues and enthrall myself into my career once again.
As I mentioned, I was given a party this weekend, a housewarming. My dad and my other family did a fantastic job pulling it all together. I am reminded and amazed at how wonderful the people in my family really are. I am so lucky to be surrounded by the love they have for me. I am so lucky to have people like that to love in my life. I've never partied that hard with my family. But I can't wait to do it again. If you have family, tell them you love them. You never know when these beautiful entities in your life will leave...
I also spent a lot of time with my new male friend, N. N was wonderful to me this weekend. I really see our relationship going quite far. As I have told him, there are so many things about him and I that just fit perfectly. So perfectly, it scares me sometimes. But, as much as I thought my love search was over, I realize that now that a man like N was just what I need. I would normally gush and say so much as if you were a long-time sista-friend with ears hungry for these kinds of details. But, what I've found is so special, so precious to me right now, that I don't want to cheapen it by telling my business like that. . .Yeah, this new man is that good, y'all.
Suffice it to say that I am happy, I feel blessed and I feel centered enough for the new schoolyear, because of all of the people and things that the Creator has seen fit to send my way this past summer.
I am on to the next phase of my life now. This one is filled with another set of goals which I am ready to accomplish. And I'll be attacking them with the same tenacity as I've attacked my goals in the past. You'll hear more about them in future posts.
Blessings!
J
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